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Life Without Golf

September 2, 2011 | By Pete Girotto | Leave a Comment

Okay, so maybe I’ve been overdoing this whole ” I had surgery, poor me, and can’t golf” thing for the past few months. Hey, take it easy…it was heart surgery for Pete’s sake. In all reality, the violins have run their course. No more sad music for me. Yes, golf was out of the equation for the last few months but now…it’s game on.

Hurricane Irene, better yet Tropical Storm Irene, ruined my chances last weekend but this weekend the weather looks clear. It’s time to wreak havoc on the ol’ track. I can’t believe I’m actually going to get out there and play! Although, as silly as it may sound, I’m a little nervous about it. It’s like my first time, again.

The whole summer without golf had me thinking; what if golf never existed? What would fill that void? Ben Hogan, Arnold Palmer, Sammy Snead, Jack Nicklaus all the way to Greg Norman, Freddy Couples, Phil Mickelson, Tiger and Rory (and every other pro for that matter) would be ordinary people. Unless they excelled in other areas.

Our website would be www.____stinks.com. That would really stink! Perhaps the word “golf” would join the ranks of the other four letter words we hack’s abuse. “Get the golf outta here!” I don’t know…that just doesn’t seem to cut it. It doesn’t flow. “Ah golf, in the drink again!” Nope, definitely doesn’t work as an expletive.

What would 30 million golfers do? “Hey honey, me and the guys are going to take a 4 and a half hour walk…be back by noon.” Just think, golf tournaments would be a bunch of people wandering around outside in a field getting drunk…wait a minute…that is a golf tournament!

See you out there…

Hit’em long…yell FORE!!!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: arnold palmer, ben hogan, golf, golf stinks, golfstinks, Hurricane Irene, jack nicklaus, open heart surgery, phil mickelson, rory mcilroy, tiger woods, tropical storm Irene

What’s More Frightening Than My Golf Game?

November 1, 2010 | By Chris Chirico | 1 Comment

Up until now, the scariest thing for me about this great sport of golf has been my own game. I have seen fellow golfers cringe at the site of me in a trap. Some have stared on in horror as I line up a four-footer. Others have even released blood-curdling screams at the site of my drives! Well.., on second thought, that could have been laughter. But either way…the point is my golf game is scary!

As scary as it may be though, it doesn’t quite qualify as that Halloween type scary. But what in golf does? A Mickelson meltdown? A Sergio blowup? John Daly’s pants? If those don’t do it for ya…how about a creepy, ghostly figure watching from the woods as you putt-out on 18?Sound ridiculous? Well, some golfers at the City Park golf courses in New Orleans would argue otherwise. Here, on the 18th hole of the East Course, that’s exactly what many golfers have reportedly witnessed. How’s that for a gallery?For some people however, fear lies in the unknown. So what about a supposed ghost that no one ever sees but causes mischief? A golf course poltergiest if you will. We’ll have to travel to England for this one. The Church Stretton Golf Course in Shropshire, UK reportedly has a ghost inhabiting the thirteenth hole. Locals here talk of a ghost who will steal your tee shots right from the middle of the fairway! Supposedly, you can see your drive land, but it’s a different story when you arrive at that spot as the ball is nowhere to be found. I’d like to see a ruling on that situation! Would it be considered an act of God? If it is a ghost…is it a hazard? If the ghost was murdered in its earthly life…then is it a man-made hazard and therefore you get a free drop?

Maybe watchers in the woods and ball thiefing spectres aren’t enough for you. In that case, how about the reported sightings of the ghost of a woman murdered on the course she haunts? In 1936 a woman was murdered on the seventh fairway of the beautiful Victoria Golf Club in Victoria, BC, Canada. Reportedly, her presence can be spotted on that very fairway!

OK, but these are just reports. There’s no proof or evidence of any type. Ah, but what if there was? The photograph above is one of two taken at the Aetna Springs Golf Course in Pope Valley, CA – arguably the oldest course west of the Mississippi. Supposedly, the pictures were taken on the course in 1963. Several shots were taken, but in only two, strange images showed up on film that were not visible at the time of the shots. As the story goes, the images of eight monks have been seen crossing a fairway on this course. Some witnesses have reportedly even been able to make out the agonized expressions on the monks faces! Now that’s one for the Ghost Hunters!

There you have it. I didn’t think I could do it, but in the spirit of Halloween, I found something out on the golf course scarier than my game. And I even found a picture to prove it. But not only did I find that, I have now also stumbled across a great new excuse for losing my ball – it was snatched up by a ghost! Let’s see if I can get anyone to go along with that one!

Happy Halloween!

Filed Under: Golf Life Tagged With: Aetna Springs Golf Course, Church Stretton Golf Course, ghost hunters, ghosts, halloween, haunted golf courses, haunting, John Daly, phil mickelson, sergio garcia, Victoria Golf Course

My Halloween Costume

October 15, 2010 | By Pete Girotto | Leave a Comment

Stinky Golfer Greg mentioned in his last post, “You Know that Local Course You Love So Much?” that autumn sadly signifies the end of our golf season here in the Northeast.

Luckily, we have halloween though, a chance to dress up like a tool and still be accepted. Not that I dress like a tool normally, but you get the idea. What do you mean I can’t wear cowboy boots and spandex shorts?

So, I put some thought into my halloween costume this year and decided it should be golf-related. Not wanting to jump on the bandwagon and be Cigar Guy, I thought I could go as a professional tour player. How about Phil Mickelson? Good ol’ Lefty would be a good one. All I have to do is make it to the end and…not win. Oof! Maybe not as good an idea as I thought.

John Daly…bingo! This has two options; the fat version or the not so fat version. I’ll raid a trailer park for some threads, solicit a hooker and get s@#%-faced everywhere I go. On top of that, I’ll wager butt loads of money frivolously anywhere that I can gamble it away. Wait, I think Daly doesn’t drink anymore and just chain smokes now. Plus, I really don’t have the extra cash to be betting with. Scratch JD off the list. Next!

Tiger, Tiger Woods y’all!!! Oh man, I’ll whip everyones’ ass and sleep with all the women while sporting the red and black Nike get-up. Sweet! Actually, I won’t even be available for Halloween because I gotta show the new beer-cart girl my putter. You know, I want her to see how I sink my balls in-person. This has potential…a little risky but has potential.

I could always go a little old school with someone like Greg Norman. That would be pretty cool. Fake a Down-Under accent, rock a pimp hat (come on, his hat is one feather away from Huggy Bear’s collection) and throw some shrimp on the barbie. G’day mate, it sure is a lovely day. Golf? What is that? Would yoos care ta try some of me wine? Or maybe not…

The hell with it! Being a pro golfer is unrealistic. I need something that is more…me. Something I can really relate to. A costume that fits my persona and allows for an easy transition into character. Now where did I put that Mr. T wig?

Hit’em long, yell FORE!!! Cuz’ I pity the fool with no golf etiquette!

Filed Under: Golf Life Tagged With: greg norman, halloween, John Daly, Mr.T, phil mickelson, tiger woods

What If PGA Tour Golf Was a Team Sport?

October 4, 2010 | By Chris Chirico | 1 Comment

Yeah, maybe this was partially inspired by the Ryder Cup, but it was much more inspired by my favorite Sunday afternoon activity….watching football.

Football, in my opinion, is the ultimate team sport. Think about it. If just one single player doesn’t do his job, the play is a waste. If one offensive lineman doesn’t block…the QB is down. If a wide receiver, even though he’s not even involved in the play, doesn’t at least run his route, or block someone downfield, the play is busted. If a cornerback or safety doesn’t cover their man, the other team is on their way to six. No other sport so heavily depends on the team as a whole.

Look at basketball – at any point, one or two players per team are just standing around doing nothing – sometimes they’re not even on the same side of the court! Even worse is baseball. There are times when as many as eight players on the field at once are all just watching the action happen somewhere else. Maybe the players are a little more involved in hockey or soccer, but really….who cares?

Team sports are the most popular sports in the United States. Football, basketball, baseball and yes…even hockey. But what about golf? Why is golf not played in teams? At the high school level, golf is a team sport. At the college level, golf is a team sport. But at the pro level…outside of the Ryder Cup, it’s all about the individual. I understand why it’s a team sport in high school and college, but has anyone ever really considered the idea of pro team golf?

Would it add or detract from the sport? I myself don’t see why it would take anything away. I mean, you’re still seeing the individual golfer play, right? That aspect isn’t affected at all. But what if, instead of getting behind one golfer, you could get behind a team? How would teams be broken up? Would there be a draft? Or would players be eligible for teams based on their home states? For instance, maybe Matt Kuchar leads a team of players from Florida against a team from South Carolina led by Dustin Johnson. The Florida Retirees vs. The South Carolina Beach Bums…or something like that. You know what I’m gettin’ at.

I’m thinking that if this was a team sport, and each weekends tournament scores added up to something towards the end of the season…this could build up to a PGA Tour Super Bowl of sorts. Imagine the final weekend of the season being a foursome-on-foursome meeting between Jim Furyk’s Pennsylvania team vs. Lefty’s California squad. Sounds pretty OK.

I’m not saying every weekend tournament would have to be played as a team. Tournaments would still be setup as they are now. However, each golfers individual results would affect their teams cumulative score. And at the end of the season, the two best teams will face off.

I’ll tell you three ways this could/would be beneficial to the tour. Number 1 – It makes every tournament mean more. Even the smaller, lesser followed events. Number 2 – It will get the big names to the current not-so-big venues. And number 3 – It would get all golfers playing more often. No more of this Tiger Woods and his only playing 12 events crap, while everyone else is playing 20+. I don’t know about you, but this is beginning to sound OK!

Now I know that some of you are saying to yourself “But golf isn’t supposed to be a team sport. You play golf against yourself. You try to beat the best you’ve done every time you play.” You know what…shut up. I always hated that asinine comment and that’s why I’ve never attempted to make that stupid argument and never will. That’s just golfers trying to justify why their sport is better than another. I can make that same stupid argument for ANY athlete in ANY sport. If it was all about playing against yourself then there wouldn’t be tournaments against other golfers! Of course you’re trying to play your best round ever! Why wouldn’t you?! Do you think Tom Brady goes out on the field every Sunday saying “I think I’ll try to do just enough to get by this time. I don’t want to do better than I did last week.” Do you think Kobe Bryant says the same thing? How about Albert Pujols? See how stupid it sounds? But I digress.

Maybe this is an all around stupid idea. I don’t know. But it’s an idea anyway. I’m just trying to think of some ways to inject some life into an often times lifeless sport.

Anyone got a better idea?

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Albert Pujols, Dustin Johnson, golf stinks, golfstinks, Jim Furyk, Kobe Bryant, Matt Kuchar, PGA, PGA TOUR, phil mickelson, team sports, tiger woods, Tom Brady

Why Golf, Why?

September 24, 2010 | By Pete Girotto | Leave a Comment

Ok, so I have another issue with this torture-inflicting game called golf that I love so much – our relationship. It’s true, we are suckers for abuse. The worse you treat us the more difficult it is to stay away.

You know that friend you may have secretly liked but they were so wrapped up in a crappy relationship with an abusive a-hole and everybody saw it except them? Well, I’m the friend and golf is the abusive a-hole.


I went and checked out some classic signs of a bad relationship and it’s just as I suspected:

  • Lack of Trust – How do you trust someone (or thing) that lets you down a lot? Hey, I know I could practice more but, WTF. How about showing some love once in a while? Maybe a kick towards the fairway instead of the woods.
  • Disrespect – Not treating the other person like they are important. Golf, do you know how it feels when all I do is try to take care of you and in return you do stuff like give me 10 on a par 3?
  • Fear of Change – I can’t change now. I’ve invested too much into this already, plus softball messes with my swing.
  • Physical or Emotional Abuse – Do I need to go here?

But wait, there is good news! With a little help, we can develop a healthy, happy relationship with golf once again. It may take a little time but we can do it. Get back in that driver’s seat and own what’s yours! Who wears the knickers in this relationship…? That’s right – we do!

Personally, I look to players like Phil Mickelson and John Daly for inspiration. These guys have had their share of ups and downs. They should be counselors with all the real life experience they have. If there’s one thing I can take away from all of this – it’s to have fun. Don’t sweat the small stuff and enjoy your time together.

Hit’em long…yell FORE! Don’t get whipped…

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: abusive, golf stinks, golfstinks, John Daly, phil mickelson, relationship

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