We all recognize the golf course as a place for camaraderie, competition and challenge. But many of us also recognize the course as a place for memorable, humorous moments, jokes and some good old-fashioned ball-busting. Be it a one-liner after a wicked slice, a tee tossed just in front of a lined-up putt or an emphatic “Good luck!” an instant before the strike of the ball on the opening drive. Yup, the golf course offers up many memories just waiting to be made.
Now you hardcore golfers, who have it in your head that you’re on some kind of tour, probably just read the previous paragraph and cringed. “Talking during the swing? Well I never…” That’s because you never played with me and you’re not part of our regular golfing circle. I pulled that crap just a couple of weeks ago with our co-founder, Stinky Golfer Tom (who, for multiple reasons, we have nicknamed “Dog”). Did he get angry? Nope. Did it ruin his round? No…Dog’s round was ruined the minute he showed up to the course. What was Dog’s reaction? A smile and a playful shove on his way back to the cart. Just what I would expect from Dog, which is why I know I can mess around with him. And several holes later, when I wasn’t expecting it…payback. He got me with the same damn thing.
My point is, I’m not interested in hearing about your chip-in from the trap or your 35-foot putt. Ho-hum…happens all the time. I’m not going to remember your story anyway. But what I will remember is the joke someone made while walking down the third fairway. The following are some of the more humorous moments I have so far experienced in my relatively short golf career. I hope you enjoy these as much as I did at the time.
“Lost Balls”
Stinky Golfer Greg and I were playing 18 with an older gentleman, whose name has since slipped my mind. I can honestly say I remember absolutely nothing about the round except one unintended joke. The three of us were walking together down one of the fairways when we noticed a few guys from an adjacent fairway looking for their drives. The older gentleman spots the balls lying in the rough to the right of our fairway and promptly shouts at the top of his lungs…”Hey, looks like you guys lost your balls over here!” Now that’s not the funny part. The funny part is, the “lost your balls” line obviously sparked a joke in the immature minds of both Greg and I. But not two or three seconds after this guy shouts out his helpful directions, he realizes what he said. He then quietly mutters “Lost your balls…listen to me…I’d better keep my mouth shut!” The joke isn’t that funny to begin with. But when you hear it from a 70+ year-old guy after he realized he shouted it out loud across a couple fairways…it was priceless.
“Your Husband”
The first time I ever heard this insult, I almost peed my pants. Stinky Golfer Dog and I were paired up with a couple of other guys who, more or less, played the game the same way we play it. We all stunk, but we were having a good time. The jokes and insults were flying throughout the round. But when one of the guys left an 8-10 foot putt about a foot-and-a-half short, the other looked at him and without hesitation said…”Nice putt, maybe next time your husband can play with us.” Years later, the joke now seems old and completely sexist. But back when I first heard it, I laughed out loud, as did Dog and the butt of the joke, like a little school girl. Good stuff.
“Which club you usin’ Pete?”
Stinky Golfers Dog, Greg, Pete and I, for the first and likely only time, managed to drop all of our drives in a relatively similar position. So we’re discussing amongst ourselves which club we’re going to hit on our approach. But none of us asked Pete what he was going to use. So, not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, I decided to ask him myself. Thing was, Pete was in the middle of his backswing when I asked “Which club you usin’ Pete?” He bounced his shot about 50 yards down the fairway, but hey…at least it was straight!
Looked like a path to me…
Dog and I took a cart out at some course somewhere. Dog hit a great shot onto one of the greens, but I sliced mine off onto another fairway. He tells me he’ll walk up to the green so I can take the cart over to my ball. But the fairway in which my ball was lying was down a hill. I could follow the cart path down and around and backtrack to my ball, but I didn’t want to hold up the group behind us. So I looked for a shortcut. Sure enough a few feet down the cart path was (what looked to me anyway) like a path down the hill. So I took a right turn and headed down. Big mistake. I realized too late that this hill was much too steep to be taking a cart down. I hit the brakes, but they were useless. I bounced my way down this hill like a rolling boulder and have no idea how the cart didn’t split in two. Despite my flailing limbs as I desperately tried to hang onto the steering wheel, I notice a few guys, obviously pissed off, yelling in my direction. I saw their lips moving, but due to the creaking and banging of my cart, I couldn’t hear a thing they were saying. But an instant later, I was at the bottom of the hill. So I took a quick left, headed to my ball and hit as quickly as I could. Once back up top, Dog looks at me and says…”Those guys we’re pissed!” Honestly, it was a hell of a ride, but one I never meant to take.
“Do you guys see it?”
Dog and I (You may notice Dog in a few of these stories which is not just a coincidence) were playing a course with a guy we got hooked up with. We’re on one of the tees standing behind Dog as he readies for his drive. Dog hauls off and takes one of his usual mighty swings. Laughter ensues. Me and this other guy are cracking up because, well, we’ve never seen anything like it. Dog must have hit the top of the ball just right because it popped up about knee-high and fell straight back down, almost landing back on his tee. But what me and this other guy are really laughing about is Dog, having no idea what happened, is staring down the fairway, hand over his eyes, asking “Do you see the ball? What’s so funny? Where is it?” I laughingly respond “Look down you idiot.” ‘Nuff said.
“Not gonna say Fore!”
One time out on the course, Stinky Golfer Pete informs us he is not going to yell “Fore!” to warn other golfers of his incoming projectiles. Instead, he’s going to try something new. So sure enough, a few holes out…here it comes. Pete launches one in the general direction of another foursome. Now, just so everyone knows, there was no chance at all the group was in any danger. The ball was really nowhere near them. But Pete, playing it safe shouts out his “Fore!” alternative. With his left hand raised, index finger pointed at the sky, wide-eyed and smiling…Pete shouts out…”Attenzione!!!”…and again…”Attenzione!!!” This episode happened six or seven years ago…and it hasn’t gotten old yet.
There are so many more…probably some much funnier than what I have mentioned here. But I can’t seem to remember them all. And whatever comes to mind, I can save those for another time.
I suppose I should also mention that I hope everyone reading this understands we mean no disrespect to the game, the courses, the etiquette or the other players. We just like to keep things loose. We like to keep the moments light. We would never do any of these things or make any of these jokes at what would be considered an improper time. But if you can’t add a bit of fun to your rounds, then you simply have the wrong idea out on the course.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say…if you’re reading this, then you likely have no chance of ever becoming a PGA Tour pro. So relax, have fun and keep things light. The game is a hell of a lot more fun that way.
