Stinky Golfer Paradise

When on the golf course, it becomes necessary for average hacks to reject the madness of traditional golf doctrine, and to assume among the powers they have within themselves to cast-off the shackles that cloud their judgement on the first tee, a decent respect to the opinions of fellow golfers requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the rejection.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all golfers are created equal, that some are endowed by their Creator with certain unimaginable talents, that among these are scratch handicaps, 300-yard drives and backspin on the greens. Because some golfers were born with these talents, it does not mean anyone can derive awesome golf powers merely on the advice of a superior player. That whenever any golfer (or equally, any golf publication) becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the average hack to ignore it, and to institute his or her own golf philosophies, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety (as well as the safety of those in their foursome) and most importantly, their happiness.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that long established golf traditions should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that average hacks are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the zany golf gadgets which are forced upon them.

But when a long train of tips and swing advice, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a feeling of insurmountable odds, it is the average hack’s right, it is their duty, to throw off such golf rhetoric and confusing nonsense, and to provide new ideals for their future golf contentment.

Such has been the patient sufferance of many average hacks; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to stray from their former sources of golf incertitude in an effort to obtain golfing bliss. The history of traditional golf opinion is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over so many golfers across the globe.

We, therefore, the representatives of average hacks everywhere, appealing to the golf masses of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good golfers of these lands, solemnly publish and declare, that average hacks are, and of right ought to be free to stink if they want to; that they do not always have to keep their heads down; and that they may take as many Mulligan’s as they wish (so long as they do not hold up the group behind them). Thus, average hacks have full power to enjoy golf in whatever form they desire, and to do all other acts and things which independent golfers may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our camaraderie, our greens fees and our sacred honor of hitting it straight when everyone is watching us on the first tee.

Play Golf, Be Happy, Yell Fore.
-Golfstinks Team

Note: Obviously, this is a golf parody of the original Declaration of Independence. We thought it prudent to publish such a parody on this July 4 to help speak for the so many frustrated average golfers out there who are overwhelmed with golfing tips and swing advice. Golf doesn’t have to be frustrating and it’s OK to stink – trust us, you’re not alone. Happy Independence Day.