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How to Quit Golf; A 12-Step Program

December 17, 2014 | By Greg D'Andrea | Leave a Comment

How to Quit Golf
How to Quit Golf is now an e-book!

“How to Quit Golf; A 12-Step Program” is a book written by Craig Brass – a self-described problem golfer who is trying to rationalize why anyone in their right mind would ever want to play this game. His most logical conclusion? No one who plays golf is in their right mind. In fact, he likens golf to an addictive drug that is impossible to quit and will ultimately consume your entire life!

As such, each chapter of the book is one of twelve steps that Mr. Brass has carefully thought-out to help get golfers on the road to recovery…with the end-goal of never stepping foot on a golf course again!

But don’t let this premise deter you – How to Quit Golf is a wonderfully hilarious and disturbingly accurate critical analysis of both golf and golfers – especially those who take the game too seriously. And while some of the imagery contained in the book is slightly exaggerated (purposely and for effect), it is nonetheless one of the most well-constructed and unabashedly genuine compositions about the realities of being a golfer.

It is without a doubt a book every average golfer should read – from the 28-handicap hack to the single-digit handicapper who probably takes himself too seriously. This book will get you thinking – not necessarily about quitting golf (I mean, how realistic is that anyway) but rather about your place in the game and the game’s role in your life. I would be hard-pressed to find another book out there that is more closely aligned with GolfStinks’ message: Golf is a game; you should have fun playing it.

Originally written in hard copy format by Mr. Brass more than a decade ago, we are now treated to this updated e-book version (with forward by actor Jeff Daniels). It is a great last minute holiday gift for any problem golfer in your life! Highly recommended; average golfer approved!

The e-book is available at the following retailers:

  • Amazon
  • iBooks
  • Kobo
  • Google
  • Barnes & Noble

Filed Under: Reviews Tagged With: average golfer, book review, golf books, quit golf

10 Annoying Things Average Golfers Do

October 1, 2014 | By Greg D'Andrea | 5 Comments

Recreational golfers don’t always understand the etiquette-side of the game. Sure, most know not to pull the cart up onto the green or talk while someone is swinging, but what about those unspoken etiquette rules of golf? Here we examine 10 of them.

Stinky Golfer Greg in 2014; Trying to "keep it real" out on the course.
Stinky Golfer Greg in 2014; Trying to “keep it real” out on the course. (Photo by Sonny Vega)

I’ve been golfing for a quarter of a century now and in that time, I have played many-a-round with the average golfer – heck, I’m one myself. Now don’t get me wrong, for the most part, we weekend hacks are a good group of folks. But as with any group, there are little annoying idiosyncrasies common amongst its members. Below are ten such behaviors…

1. Bragging about how good they are.
“I normally break 80 at this course.” Yeah, and I normally return home to a harem of supermodels every night. It never fails – as soon as someone tells me how great a golfer they are, they end up shooting the worst round of their life – how is that possible? It’s particularly embarrassing when they tell you how great they “typically” play whilst in the midst of a wretched round. “You say you shot 78 here last week? Wow, today’s 102 must be so uncharacteristic of you.” So save yourself the embarrassment – please don’t be that guy.

2. Dressing like they’re on the tour.
I know exactly the type of person I’m dealing with the moment I walk up to the first tee at my local muni and the guy I’m paired up with looks like he’s on tour.  Long pants in July – really? Shirt tucked in with a white belt? Come on!  Whatever happened to keeping it real? As mentioned in #1, this is the guy that’s about to have the “worst round of his life.”

3. Cheating.
Look, I’m not saying you have to play exactly by the rules. By all means bend them if you want – or even outright break them! Take that mulligan; give yourself a preferred lie – it doesn’t matter as long as everyone your playing with knows the particular rules of your group. But please don’t let me catch you dropping a ball and then pretending you found your drive – it’s embarrassing for me and you. Remember: No one likes a cheater.

4. Playing from the wrong tees.
Perhaps the first thing a new golfer should learn is which tee-box they belong on. Being behind a group that duffs all their drives off the championship tees is perhaps the single most annoying thing on this list. It’s especially worse if they’re all dressed like they’re on tour (see #2). Here’s the deal: If you can’t break 90, always play from the forward tees. For everyone else, use the slope rating and get your asses on the correct tee box.

5. Not yelling fore.
Perhaps the second thing new golfers should learn is to yell fore. Not yelling fore is not only poor golf etiquette, but its downright negligent. If you’ve ever been hit (or even come within a few feet of being hit) by an errant golf shot, you know how scary it can be. A simple forewarning (where the name “fore” comes from) is all that’s needed. If you think your ball is going anywhere near someone, please do not hesitate – yell fore at the top of your lungs.

6. Stealing/playing someone else’s ball.
Few things are more annoying than watching someone take or play your golf ball from a couple hundred yards away. If you stumble across a ball in the middle of the fairway, it probably belongs to somebody else, so please don’t pick it up and put it in your bag. Likewise, please don’t hit it before checking that it’s really yours. Balls have numbers on them for a reason – make it a point to know which ball your playing so you can avoid any confusion out on the course!

7. Spending too much time searching for lost balls.
Searching for lost balls is one of the main reasons golf has a slow play problem. I like to use my “two-minute-warning” rule – you get two minutes to look for your ball and then it’s time to drop one and move on. Now I realize the USGA rulebook allows for five minutes, but that entire book was written for tournament play. Recreational golf is a different story and needs separate rules. And don’t start on how expensive balls are – the price of your golf balls should be directly correlated to how often you lose them. For example, I typically play refurbished or recycled balls – name brand balls that have been cleaned up and repacked for half the price. My handicap: 18. You can’t say I don’t know how to keep it real.

8. Unnecessarily long pre-shot routines.
Really? Four practice swings and an additional half-minute of waggle time is necessary before you even address the ball? This goes for on the greens as well – do you really need to line-up your putt from every possible angle? Not only can these excessive pre-shot routines be annoying for your playing partners, but they also contribute to slow play. I’m not saying have no routine (in fact, one practice swing and a few seconds of waggle have been proven to calm the nerves), but just don’t overdo it.

9. Constantly making excuses for poor play.
“Oh, I didn’t keep my head down on that shot.” Or, “I slept wrong and it’s affecting my drives.” How about the old…”That last triple bogey really got into my head.” We always feel the need to explain our poor play, don’t we? Whatever happened to just plain stinking? Actually, an entire book has been written about how to use different excuses for playing poor golf. Look, there’s no reason to be embarrassed –  most people aren’t that good at this game – so there’s no need to make excessive excuses. If you hit a bad shot, it’s probably because you stink…just like everybody else.

10. Giving swing advice.
This is another biggie – that person who is constantly telling you what you’re doing wrong, even though they themselves are playing just as wretchedly. People love to tell you what the problem is, but rarely is their advice welcomed (let alone correct). The general rule of thumb is unless your a certified PGA pro, you shouldn’t be offering anyone swing advice. Even if someone asks me, I typically won’t give it (only if they’re really desperate for help – and then I always preface any advice with a warning that I, like them, also stink). No one likes a know-it-all – especially when that know-it-all is probably wrong.

Filed Under: Golf Life Tagged With: average golfer, etiquette, rules of golf, slow play, swing advice

Golf Needs Us

April 20, 2012 | By Pete Girotto | Leave a Comment


When I use the word us, I’m not referring to just us here at Golfstinks.com but the whole community of average hacks we belong to. I’m talking about the 26 or so million of us. Talk about power in numbers. It’s kind of surreal that we hold a great bargaining chip over the industry and we don’t even think about it, never mind use it. That chip being good old fashioned $$$.

Think about it, if we harness the buying power as a collective group could you imagine the control we would have. If we thought equipment prices were getting a little high…no problem, we could fix that. What’s that, greens fees are out of control? We can fix that too. Here’s the reality, 99.9% of the 26 million plus golfers in the USA are comprised of average hacks…us, the ones who keep this industry going.

Golf also needs us because we keep the tradition alive. Just like it was introduced to us, we will someday maybe introduce it to someone else and so on. Along with playing comes one of my favorite parts – the stories. True or not, I like listening to golfer’s stories because they’re always intriguing, funny or incredible. How often do you hear a lame story?

Another thing, I’d rather listen to an average joe’s stories than a pro’s. They seem to have better content. You know when a hack is about to tell a good story because it begins with ” You are not going to believe this s%@#…” The fact that we stink at golf automatically paves a path to great stories with all the mis-hits, animal encounters on the course, golf ball pinball off trees and cart mishaps. Let’s all revel in our stinky-ness and unite.

Hit’em long…yell FORE!!! Power to the people!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: average golfer, funny golf stories, golf, golf stinks, golfstinks

The Handicap: Golf’s Version of Male Penis Envy

December 15, 2010 | By Greg D'Andrea | 3 Comments

Is this you during a conversation about golf handicaps?
Is this you during a conversation about golf handicaps?

There’s a conversation that inevitably happens while in the presence of other golfers whom I’ve never met…and it goes something like this:

Golfer #1: “I’m a 12 handicap!”
Golfer #2: “Really? I’m a 10!”
Golfer #3: “I’ve recently worked myself down to a 4!”
#1 & #2: “Wow! That’s awesome!”

Then they all turn and look at me. With my hands in my pockets and my head down, I haphazardly kick at a broken tee by my feet. Briefly, it crosses my mind to lie. But then I immediately realize my first shot would expose me for who I really am. Sheepishly, I utter the truth: “I’m an 18.”

Silence.

Then #3 breaks the ice by telling #1 to go ahead and tee off.

F#$%ing golf handicaps. I suddenly feel like the least endowed man in the locker room. That’s the way it is with the handicap system – it groups the good players and the hacks into separate buckets. This is even more true when you’re off the course. Think back to when you’ve met someone at a non golf-related event and realized you both like golf. I’d bet one of the first things that came up was your handicap.

A few years ago, I was at my wife’s work holiday party and she introduced me to her co-worker’s husband. Not knowing many other people there, we struck up a conversation that eventually led to us talking about golf. His first question after both of us acknowledged playing golf was, of course, “What’s your handicap?” Turns out this guy was a 7. Though we continued our conversation amicably, I just got the feeling he immediately placed me below him in the category of general life successfulness.

OK, perhaps that sounds a bit nuts. But we class people all the time for non golf-related stuff, don’t we? Consider this: You’re introduced to someone from the same town as you. One of the first thoughts would be to tell each other which neighborhood you live in, right? Well if that person lives in the nicest neighborhood in town, do you think to yourself: “Hmmm, must be rich” (or something along those lines)? Be honest!

Well, it’s the same for golf, except our measuring stick is the handicap system. Have you ever noticed foursomes are generally comprised of people with similar golfing abilities? For example, my foursome’s handicaps range from 18 to 26. Likewise, a group of low handicappers typically won’t play with hackers. I’ve actually heard a few decent golfers state they won’t play with anyone over a 10 handicap because it will “ruin their game.” WTF? You know, many people who keep a handicap typically play the same course all the time. If I played the same course all the time, I bet I could lower my handicap too. I mean, probably not down to scratch, but…but I digress.

Anyway, as golfers, perhaps we need to change the way we interact with each other (grant me some leeway here). What if we thought of it in these terms instead: Asking someone to reveal their handicap is like asking them to reveal their salary. To me, it elicits the same kind of subliminal “classing” in someone’s head.

Generally speaking, most hacks are pretty down-to-earth about their golfing wretchedness. I know I am. In fact, if people didn’t ask me about my handicap the second they realize I play golf, I’d tell them almost immediately that I stink at golf anyway. But asking for someone’s handicap – that just instantly puts your game on a scale – people know exactly where they stand in comparison to you and that leaves me feeling a little “exposed.” But if I just tell someone “I stink at golf” – that leaves it rather ambiguous. Then if we go play and I shoot an 89, they tell me: “Oh, you’re much better than I expected!” See? I like that approach way better than letting a statistic speak for me.

So seeing as the vast majority of golfers stink, it’s probably best to keep your handicap to yourself…

And then only reveal it when you need to (like at the club tournament table)…

Oh, and even in that case, for God’s sake, whisper it!

Filed Under: Stinky Golfer Paradise Tagged With: average golfer, foursome, handicap, scratch golfer

Golf…A Game Of Averages?

November 26, 2010 | By Pete Girotto | Leave a Comment

Literally, golf is dominated by averages. Besides the whole thing of handicapping and averaging your scores or figuring out your GIR or how many putts per round so on and so forth. Averages rule this roost…average golfers that is.

Power in numbers my friends and the best thing about that is every golfer is involved in the process of figuring out the “average” golfer. From scratch golfers to scratched-out-scorecard golfers, we are all tossed into the big ol’ number cruncher and voila – the average golfer is born.

I like to look at other numbers to average that are more realistic and mean more to my game. So here are a few of my criteria that help me determine where I stand.

  • How many balls did I lose?
  • How many Mulligans did I take?
  • How many clubs are broken or need repair?
  • How many obscenities did I use?
  • How many times did I yell “Fore!!!”?

You get the point. In this game of averages why not use some thing that makes sense. As an average golfer, if I went home after a round and told the warden or one of my buddies “Hey, today I averaged 2.4839409 putts per hole.” They could care less but if I told them that I only took 3 mulligans and only used the “F” word 7 times – they could relate!

How beautiful such an average word like “average” could be. Not to get all Sigmund Freud on this but, really good golfers (not all of them) must be pissed that they work so hard to be a scratch golfer and to have that score thrown in with likes of us regular golfers to determine the average. You know there is a permanent hair across their ass when they are behind a foursome of hacks. They sit there and bitch and moan about the group in front. Hey you pompous scratch golfers, maybe if you shot better the average golfers score would be higher… 🙂

Hit’em long…yell FORE!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: average golfer, AVERAGE JOE, golf stinks, golfstinks

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