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The 10 Worst Things You Can Do On A Golf Course

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Even if you're backed-up 3 foursomes deep, hitting into the group ahead is never a good idea... (photo by Tom Treloar)
Even if you’re backed-up 3 foursomes deep, hitting into the group ahead is never a good idea in golf (photo by Tom Treloar)

Let me state for the record that I myself have been guilty of all of the following golf transgressions at one time or another. And while there’s no point in dwelling on any of these offenses, there is something to be said about creating this list – so others (especially new golfers) can have a reference…a beginner’s guide to golf etiquette, if you will.

By no means a complete list, here are 10 things you should really refrain from doing on the golf course…

  1. Stepping in someone’s line. Perhaps among the first etiquette rules you learn in golf, stepping in someone’s line might not seem like a big a deal, but it’s less about the imprint your foot makes on the green and more about the respect you have for the others playing with you – doing it just shows you don’t care. Look, I (more than most) agree golf is just a game, but you still need to play the game right.
  2. Hitting into the group ahead of you. I’ve almost started fights because of hitting into the group in front of me – it is among the ultimate disrespects on the course. Even if the group ahead is holding up everyone on the course, no one wants to take a golf ball off the back of the head. Courses should employ rangers to deal with slow groups and if no rangers are around, you should ask (very politely) to play-through. Which brings me to…
  3. Not letting faster groups play through. A golfer/foursome needs to be aware of their speed of play pretty much at all times. Look behind you once-in-a-while – if the group back there is waiting with their hands on their hips and looking in your direction, you’re probably moving too slowly. It happens. Maybe just one member of your foursome is slowing you down – the point is you need to recognize this, swallow your pride and politely suggest they play through.
  4. Not replacing your divots. Again, this may seem somewhat harmless, but it’s not to the course. Take an extra 10 seconds to put your divot back or use the bottle of sand/seed mix on the side of your cart (if applicable) to fill in the hole. Trust me, the greenskeeper will thank you and the course will look nicer in the long run.
  5. Gouging the green. You miss your 2-footer for par (or quadruple bogey) and whack the ball away in anger – except you swing too low and take a chunk out of the green next to the hole. Worse, you purposely slam your putter into the green after a botched putt. Pathetically, I’ve done this a couple times over the years and it’s the epitome of being a poor sport…And nobody likes a poor sport. Like many on this list, it’s all about respecting the course and your fellow golfers.
  6. Giving swing advice. Nowadays, even if someone asks me, I typically refrain from offering any advice (unless they are a complete newbie). But unprovoked swing advice is the ultimate annoyance out on the course. If you find yourself getting ready to offer-up advice to someone struggling, please think twice. Unless you’re a certified PGA pro, you probably shouldn’t even go there. Don’t be “that guy.”
  7. Playing from the wrong tee box. Trust me – there is nothing worse than watching Shanks, Hook, Skull and Slice flub all their drives off the championship tees…especially if you’re playing behind them and it’s the first hole. Man that’s a sinking feeling, isn’t it? You know your skill level and you should know which tee-box you belong on. My rule of thumb: If you can’t consistently break 90, you should always be on the forward (white) tees. Only if the course is empty can you attempt playing farther back. But beware – not only is the course longer, but more hazards come into play from back there. I’ve played the tips before and at my skill-level (18 handicap), the closer I can get the better…
  8. Throwing your clubs. Among the more embarrassing acts on this list, club throwing is an art form for some golfers. Sure, maybe it aids in letting off a little steam, but really it’s just plain unnecessary. Chronic club-throwers are no fun to play with as many of them are also guilty of doing most of the other things on this list too. Besides being dangerous, it also makes you look like a fool.
  9. Getting drunk. Beyond the obvious embarrassment of being the boisterous drunk group that other golfers can hear from all over the course, there’s real danger involved in getting wasted on the links. After all, you are hitting a hard projectile well over 100 MPH. Plus, there are motorized vehicles involved. Drunkenness is probably among the top reasons why around 1,000 Americans are injured in golf cart-related accidents…PER MONTH. Look, I understand golf and beer go together, but I implore you – please imbibe in moderation (or at least wait to do most of your drinking in the 19th-hole).
  10. Taking your game too seriously. You might not have expected this one to be here, but it’s possibly among the most important things on this list. Look, everyone is disappointed after a bad shot or a poor round – but you can’t let it get to you. In the end, the fact that you got out and played at all should always overshadow the number on your scorecard. Throwing clubs, cussing at yourself, gouging greens, raising your blood pressure – all for what? Golf is a game, you should have fun playing it.

What Makes a Good 19th Hole?

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19th Hole bar
What does your course’s 19th hole look like? (photo by Rama / CC BY-SA 2.0 FR)

I’ve played hundreds of different golf courses over the years. Some of them nice, others not so much. Some of them famous, others just local munis. And yet despite the vast differences in layout and scenery (or lack thereof), these courses all have the ability to cheer you up after a poor round; provide the backdrop for you to celebrate an ace; or just continue the camaraderie indoors after your round is over.

I’m talking about, of course, that after-round watering hole…where finding the drink doesn’t involve a lost ball or two-stroke penalty: The 19th Hole. But just like the golf courses they’re attached to, not all 19th holes are created equal. Golfers want a place where there’s good beer on tap; decent bar fare; and sports (especially golf) on television.

But what makes a good 19th hole? Well, I’d say the first step is to actually have one, which believe it or not, a couple courses I’ve played failed to do. One place was actually a pretty nice 18-hole course, so I was quite surprised to find the only refreshments on premises were contained in two vending machines in the pro shop. A golf course stands to make a good amount of dough from a 19th hole, so not having one is somewhat of a poor business decision. So for all the courses out there that actually do have a 19th hole, let’s discuss what makes a good one…

Drinks

Let’s talk about beer first. Courses should have a good selection on tap. After all, the 19th hole is first and foremost a bar. And while there are still many folks who love nothing more than to drain a bottle of domestic libation, increasingly people in general (golfers included) are wanting a good selection of imported or craft brew on tap. In this, many 19th holes, at least here in the U.S., fall short.

What about spirits? Again, this is a bar and someone back there needs to know how to mix a drink – especially the classics. Golf is a classic and somewhat sophisticated game – and maybe just sometimes, we golfers need to be treated as sophisticated folks. And while I’m at it, a modest selection of cigars would be a good idea too – even if we have to puff them out on the patio – which leads me to…

Ambiance

A patio is definitely a plus – preferably looking over the 18th green so you can heckle your pals putting-out in the group behind you. But with or without a patio, ambiance is kind of important. Golfers like to relax in a little bit of class. Too many 19th holes look like a crappy diner inside. This may not bother everyone but to me, you should put as much thought and care into the bar as you do the fairways and greens. A nice-looking 19th hole will bring in more patrons and keep them there longer.

Food

Some 19th holes try and do too much. That’s fine if you can pull it off, but most of the time a simple tavern menu will do: A high-quality burger; tuna and/or turkey club sandwiches; a salad option; and then some appetizer-type selections (wings, cheese fries, nachos, etc.). And when golfers are sitting at the bar, have some stuff for them to snack on – the classic bar mix is great but even just pretzels will work. Folks like to munch on something when they drink – and they drink more when they eat a salty snack.

Friendliness (of both the staff and patrons)

Too many courses treat their 19th hole as an afterthought and as a result the staff does too…sadly, poor service is commonplace. But many times the staff isn’t the only problem – the regular patrons are sometimes snooty cliques that don’t like unfamiliar faces drinking their beer. Perhaps nothing feels more uncomfortable than walking into a bar where everyone looks at you like you don’t belong. Golf courses need to welcome folks to their 19th hole with open arms. Hell, all courses should advertise their 19th hole on the 17th and 18th tee-boxes.

Done right, a19th hole can be a successful bar that adds profits to a golf course. And it should offer the drinks; menu; ambiance; and hospitality people look to immerse themselves in after a round of golf. My perfect 19th hole experience would be sitting out on a patio watching golfers finishing-out on the 18th; drinking a Belgian wheat; chowing a juicy grass-fed burger on an artesian roll; and capping-it-all-off with a nice robusto cigar. But that’s just me.

How about you?

Five Things I Hate About Golf Courses

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thV7IN7OU4Since the golf season here in the northeast has probably worn down for the most part by now, it’s as good a time as any to reflect on the season past.  And by reflect, I mean look back at some of the things I hate about being out on the course.

#1.  When there’s no MOFOBETE – On a hot summer day, how can you expect people to play an entire round of golf without a cart girl crossing their path?  With temperatures in the 90+ degree range, offering proper hydration, be it water, Gatorade or beer, seems like the right thing to do, no?  Or maybe even a small snack to hold you over until either the turn or the 19th hole.  Whatever your choice, a Mofobete needs to be on the course, especially one which cost a pretty penny to play.

#2. Not enough water jugs on the course – I can live without a cart girl, especially at a less expensive course, as long as there are plenty of ice cold water jugs on several holes throughout the course.  Again, on a hot summer day, it’s a simple, common courtesy to the people who have plunked down their hard earned money to pay your greens fees.  The least you could do is offer them some water.

#3. No yardage markers – Sure, you can always estimate based on approximately how far you are from the 100 or 150 markers.  But would it hurt to get a sharpie and write down the distance on a sprinkler head?  I mean, does ink cost too much to write down a quick “67,” “128” or “231.”  Information people…knowledge is power!

#4. Cart paths – Are they necessary?  I suppose, maybe.  But they are the enemy of a wayward drive.  Sure, once in a while you get that lucky bounce off of one and it careens the ball further down the fairway and turns into a personal record drive.  However, more often than not, it sends the ball bounding off into some area of the course that hasn’t been seen since the likes of Lewis & Clark.  However, you’d have to think that the cart path, along with the gallery or rangers like the pros have to find your ball for you, one should have the opportunity to cite the P.A.F. (Pro Advantage Factor).

#5. No rangers – Again, I’m never really in a hurry to get my round overwith.  I don’t mind if the pace is a bit on the slow side.  However, when there are backups at every hole or there’s a group who is just taking their time no matter what the backup behind them may be…rangers are needed.  I realize that less expensive courses maybe can’t afford to pay rangers, but the higher end courses can.  And to keep the game moving, get more groups on the course and keep players coming back, hiring a few rangers could be a wise investment.

Just a few gripes and opinions from an everyday golfer.  I’m sure, given the time, I could come up with a few more.  However, I don’t want to confuse anyone.  I do love playing golf.  But I am trying to help a few courses improve the customer experience.

Swing ’til you’re happy!

We Go Together Like Golf And…

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20140818_002545Some things just go together.  Peanut butter & jelly.  Bread & butter.  Burgers & fries.  Raiders fans & felonies.  You just can’t have one without the other.  But if you’re not a golfer, you may not realize that golf and alcohol can fit right in with those examples.  Whether it’s the relaxed atmosphere of the game which makes taking a few swigs seem second nature, or your game itself which drives you to drink, there’s something about the sport which ties the two together.  But just as much as what you choose to drink, it’s what you’re drinking from.

Take a beer for instance.  Something about drinking a beer from a can sends a certain message.  Step up to a bottle seems to be a bit more grown-up.  Where as having a beer on draft, especially in one of those glasses crafted specifically to accentuate the flavor of certain brews, makes you look like the ultimate brew snob.  But taking a swig of your spirit of choice from a finely-crafted hip flask?  Now that can tell your fellow golfers you take your drinks seriously.

Enter our friends over at buyahipflask.com.  Personally, I have my own hip flask.  I received one, custom engraved, as a gift several years ago from a friend who knew what I liked to drink.  I thought mine was nice, until I got a look at one sent to us from our buddies across the pond.  One of the flasks from their golf collection simply puts mine to shame.  While mine did come in a nice box, the presentation of the one we here at GolfStinks received was quite luxurious.  Taking off the cardboard sleeve reveals a quality, textured cardboard presentation box featuring the logo of the English Pewter Company.  Pop the top on that, and it contains an attractive, black velvet bag with an EPC Finest Pewterware printed across the front.  Once you dig into that bag, you’ll pull out a foam-wrapped, shiny piece of libation-holding beauty.

But it’s not just the look.  It’s the feel of it, the weight.  You know this is no shiny-painted piece of crappy metal.  This is good quality, lead-free pewter.  The leak-proof top and funnel are nice touches, although I would have preferred the funnel to be something other than plastic.  But this doesn’t alter my thoughts toward the flask itself.  Along with the look and the feel, the engraving on the front of the flask is highly detailed, to the point where features of the club such as the grips, sections of the shaft and the club face are all there.  Even the shadow on the engraved ball looks good.  Ladies and gentlemen, this is no piece of cheap tin.

And as always, your friends here at GolfStinks do not keep everything for themselves.  No, we share as usual.  Do you want a chance to get your golf glove wrapped around one of these flasks yourself?  Then simply head on over to the Golfstinks Facebook page and give this post a like.  You’ll be entered to win this very flask.  And while you’re there, don’t be afraid to share with us your favorite pre-, during and post-round libations.  Don’t drink alcohol during golf, or at all for that matter?  Then share that with us as well.

Swing ’til you’re happy!

It’s OK To Stink At Golf

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One of my favorite sitcoms was always My Name Is Earl.  For those who aren’t familiar, the show is about a guy who, for most of his life, was always.., well.., a low-life dirtbag.  He lied to, stole from and hurt people both physically and emotionally – just an all-around bad guy.  Until one day, by “accident,” he learns about karma.  He then goes on a mission to fix all of the things he’s done to ruin people’s lives.  I mention this because I saw a re-run of an episode I didn’t remember seeing before.  An episode called “Stole Beer From a Golfer.”

In this episode, Earl and his brother convinced a guy that he was a really good golfer who had a shot at the tour even though he was terrible.  Why did they do this?  So they could get free beer.  The poor guy became so obsessed with golf, thinking he had the potential to be great, that he lost his job, his girlfriend left him and he ended up living out of his car.

Obviously, this was a big joke and a far-fetched sitcom.  But in a strange way, there’s some truth to it.  Simple fact, if you stink at golf, just accept it.  If your buddy stinks at golf, don’t hype him up.  Instead, let him know.  You can’t have your golfing buddies going around thinking they’re better than they are.  That’s how they lose money in golf bets.  That’s how they end up looking and sounding like idiots, both on the course and off.

Have you ever been around that guy who talks the part, dresses the part and carries the equipment that looks the part, but when he gets out on the course, it looks like he left the game part at home?  Of course you have.  How do you think he got to be that way?  Because he had one of two things – either his buddies hyping him up, or no one to talk him down.

It’s like when you leave your house looking stupid.  Or when you have a little too much to drink and you start acting like a fool.  You need your friends there to straighten you out before you go too far.  Well, it’s the same in golf.  You need your friends to keep you from doing anything foolish.  And just the same, your friends need you.  Keep your golfing buddies in check and have them do the same for you.  And above all else, remember…if you stink at golf…you stink at golf.  The sooner you accept it, the better off you’ll be.

Swing ’til you’re happy!

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