GolfStinks

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A Round Of Golf With A Refreshing Perspective

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Don't you just love having the whole golf course to yourself? (photo by Greg D'Andrea)
Don’t you just love having the whole golf course to yourself? (photo by Greg D’Andrea)

This past Saturday I had a chance to play nine holes with someone I’ve never played with – my cousin’s husband.  My cousin invited my family and I over for a day of  just hanging out.  The kids can jump in the pool and play some wiffle ball.  The wives would hang with the kids, prep dinner and gossip about whatever it is wives gossip about.  But in the meantime, Steve and I would head out to the links.

Now we’ve been trying to plan this forever, so we know about each others games.  Just from previous golf conversations, I know that Steve and I are pretty similar golfers, meaning, we both stink and we both don’t care.  We’re both just happy to be playing.  So we head to a course we both like and I’m looking forward to a relaxing round of your average day on the course.  But what I got, was an experience of the difference between the way two stinky golfers look at the game.

We sure started the day out differently than I’m used to.  I usually wait until after the round for a few beers.  But not Steve.  “Let’s start this day right” he says as he reaches into his fridge and hands me a beer.  Works for me!  A couple of quick sandwiches prepped by the stinky golfer wives are consumed and then, something all too familiar…we’re running late for our tee-time.  But before rushing out the door, Steve swiftly grabs four more beers and an ice pack to drop into the cooler pocket on his golf bag.  “Sun Mountain makes a good bag” Steve says with a smile.  No argument from me.

We arrive at the course with mere minutes to spare only to find, the course is dead!  I mean there is almost no one on the course!  Thanks to day three of the Traveler’s Championship, I assume many golfers are attending the tournament rather than playing today.  Why else would the course be dead on such a beautiful day?  But that’s to our benefit.  Steve and I got off on our own with no one in sight ahead of us, and no one behind us all day.  We couldn’t have asked for a better situation.

The time we were gaining by not being rushed allowed Steve to introduce me to “Factor Golf.”  Factor Golf is a secondary score which gives bonus points for luck.  Bonuses such as -3 for hitting a tree which knocks your ball back onto the fairway.  -10 for hitting the flag stick on the fly.  And -15 for skipping your ball off the water safely into the fairway, rough or green.  I’m sure there’s more and I’m sure I may have described these incorrectly, but you get the idea.

Now, as if the pre-round beer as well as the previously packed two each in Steve’s ingenious cooler pocket were not enough, the 19th hole is only steps from the 6th tee. And with no one behind us, why not get ourselves a refill?

As the 9th hole comes around, Steve pulls out the old Polara ball.  You know, the cheater ball.  He tells me a buddy of his gave him a few and they actually do what they say they will.  He tells me to give it a whirl. So out of curiosity, I do.  Sure enough…I mishit it.  And sure enough…it’s straight as an arrow.  I hit a regular ball afterward, because we had the time, and actually hit just as good a shot.  I tried the Polara again on my approach, and once again I hit a crappy shot (this thing must have gotten in my head).  But once again…the Polara ball wound up just off the fringe.  Amazing.  I won’t buy them, and I won’t use them, but hey…they do exactly what they say they’re going to do.  And there’s something to be said for that.

When all was said and done…this was golf the stinky golfer dream way.  We threw back a few brews, took our time playing because we could, played more than one ball if we wanted to, and walked away without caring what the final score was, although I did beat him by 1 stroke.  But when you take into account what our scores were…I’m not sure if either of us actually won.  I recently described the way I play as “golfing bliss.”  This was the epitome.

Oh, and by the way, Factor Golf knocked five strokes off my round.  Thanks Steve!  Looking forward to the next round!

Swing ’til you’re happy!

Gaga, Golf and Gout…

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One of few times I teed-it-up this season. Notice the gut, which is 8 pounds less now.
One of few times I teed-it-up this season. Notice the gut, which is 8 pounds less now.

Seven times. That’s it. That’s all the times I’ve been out on the golf course this season. And of those seven, only one has been 18 holes – the rest have just been nine.

For someone who typically plays 30 times or more in a season (many of which are of the 18-hole variety), just seven rounds through the end of September is a pathetic display of golf neglect. Now I realize that for some of you, seven rounds in one season is actually a good amount of golf. But for me it’s like I didn’t play at all.

Keep in mind that I’m the guy who played all the 18-hole public courses in his state. I’m the guy who writes for a golf blog. And I’m the guy who co-owns a social media site about GOLF! In some way, I feel like I’ve let you all down.

So how does something like this happen? How does a self-proclaimed lover of golf manage to only play a mere seven times in one season? Well, for starters, I got a late start. In fact, most of my golf buddies did too. It was May before we stepped foot on a tee-box.

Perhaps this was mostly my fault. You see, I’m usually the tee-time organizer – calling everyone to make sure they were “in” for a particular Saturday and then booking the time. But this year, I wasn’t doing much organizing. Instead, I was busy playing with blocks; changing diapers; and trying to turn the words “gaga” in to “mama” or “dada.”

My son was born last October – perfect timing (if you asked me at the time), since golf season was basically over. And I wasn’t kidding myself either – I knew once springtime came, I’d be playing less golf because of the new bundle – I even prepared to play half of what I normally would. But so far, I’ve only played a quarter of what I normally would. I’m hoping next year I’ll play a few more rounds, but who knows? Life has changed.

But the baby isn’t the only reason my time on the links has dwindled. Last month I was diagnosed with gout (a build-up of uric acid, typically in the joint of your big toe – and it had me hobbling around for days). I’m 36 years old. What the hell am I doing with gout? Old guys get gout. Ben Franklin had gout. But someone in their 30’s? Come on! (Though it does happen to people younger and in better shape than me).

The Doc says I drink too much beer. Who doesn’t? And, I’m about 30 pounds overweight. Who isn’t? He put me on an anti-inflammatory and told me to alter my diet. After missing two perfectly awesome golf weekends in the past month, I’ve dropped 8 pounds and the hobbling has dissapeared. But it can come back if I’m not careful, and I really don’t want to go on a uric acid-reducing drug for the rest of my days. Again, life has changed.

It’s been an interesting year to say the least: The baby has been an unbelievable joy; the lack of golf, a disappointment; and the gout, a wake-up call. But there’s still at least a month left in the golf season up here in the Northeast. My son’s first birthday will take up one of those weekends, but let’s see if I can squeeze in a round or two before the last leaf falls.

You know, it’s years like this that make you appreciate every time you’re out on the golf course.

You Golf the Way You Eat

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Is this your mid-round golf snack?
Is this your mid-round golf snack?

About a year ago, I asked what you eat at the turn. In my research for that post, I discovered that eating at the turn is only half the battle. It’s also about what you eat before your round (and the snacks between holes) too. Like most nutritionists say about all sports; Eating well leads to playing well.

But is this really true for golf?

Physically fit golfers are a rather new anomaly on the pro tour. Remember a few decades ago? Think about Jack Nicklaus, who until he trimmed-down for the 1970 season, was the subject of “fat” jokes. Or more recently, John Daly. I think those guys proved you don’t have to be in top shape to play great golf.

OK, I know what you’re thinking: “But those guys are far and few between – most golfers are thin.” Perhaps, but let’s forget about the pros for a minute and concentrate on the average weekend hack. Many of us stop at Dunkin’ Donuts or McDonald’s to grab a coffee and breakfast sandwich before our round.

Well, according to the vast majority of nutritionists out there, chowing on a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich before your round is disastrous. It may give you an initial boost of energy but by the back nine, you’ll be dragging ass. I have to admit, I’m usually pretty tired for the last three holes…perhaps it’s that Egg McMuffin coming back to haunt me. Or, perhaps it’s because for the last 3 hours I’ve played 15 holes of golf!

Anyway, let’s get back to whether eating “right” before and during a round matters or not. Consider the title of this post: “You Golf the Way You Eat.” Well, I have fun eating and I have fun golfing. So I guess that statement is true.

OK, I know what you’re thinking again: “That’s not what that statement means!” No? Hmmm. I’m not sure what else it can mean. For me, I golf to relax…To unwind and have some fun. Why ruin it with a special golf diet?

Now I’m not telling everyone to eat comfort foods while playing golf…But I am saying: Do what makes you happy. Who cares if that hot dog and beer at the turn costs you a couple strokes on the last two holes? Unless I’m playing for money, I’d gladly give up the strokes for the dog and brew.

Now, I realize not everyone is like me. But if you’re an average hacker and are forcing yourself to eat a specific way in hopes of lowering your score…consider this: You’re not going to make the PGA tour. Ever. Not gonna happen. Not a chance. Pigs will fly first. Hell will freeze over and the sky will fall before you make a living playing professional golf.

But, I digress.

See? I bet that beer and hot dog are looking better already.

Despite the fact that Stinky Golfer Greg writes for this popular golf blog, he is in no way, shape or form qualified to be giving nutritional advice. Always check with your physician before altering your diet.

How Often Do You Visit the 19th Hole?

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Do you play all 19-holes?

A golf course just isn’t complete without a 19th-Hole. Whether you take advantage of it or not, you can rest assured that it’s there somewhere if you need it…either connected to the pro shop, or in a separate building on the course, or at least somewhere on the premises.

When I was on my quest to play every public 18-hole golf course in my state, part of my experience would be to grab a bite and a beer in the 19th-hole after my round. But there we’re some exceptions: Like when the course had no 19th-hole. Yep, a full-sized, 18-hole course with no restaurant or bar – that always threw me for a loop.

Or sometimes I’d have dinner plans with the wife afterwards – which would quash any chance of me shoving some good tavern fare down my gullet. And sometimes I was the only one from my foursome who had time to stop in the 19th-hole. Not wanting to belly-up to the bar solo, I’d bypass it altogether and just head home.

I surmise the 19th-hole has a whole different meaning to players who belong to a private club. I mean, that group probably feels obligated to spend a decent amount of time at the course after each round (don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it’s a good time with good friends). But what I want to know is how many public course players still spend time in the 19th-hole these days?

A good chunk of a course’s income stems from food and drink sales in the 19th-hole (and merchandise sales in the pro shop). But in this tough economic climate, are we still spending our hard-earned cash in the bar after the round?

Take the poll below and let us know…

How Often Do You Visit the 19th Hole?

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Fore & Cheers! Do You Drink & Golf?

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Do you buy beer from the MOFOBETE? (photo by Dan Perry / CC BY 2.0)

I’ve posted about drinking on the course before – mainly about the antics that ensue from the combination of a good buzz and a golf cart.

But drinking and golf go back long before the golf cart was invented. Think about that for a second – the Scots invented the game – what are the odds old Tom Morris kept a flask wedged between his mashie and spoon?

I know that many who belong to the Tennis Shoe Crowd strap a cooler of beer to the cart simply because they don’t know what else to do on a golf course. But what about those of us that play more frequently?

Here’s where I’m a bit confused. I like beer. I have a couple drafts in the 19th hole after nearly every round. But I never drink on the course. What makes this strange is that I’ll smoke a nice Connecticut-wrapped, Honduran cigar on the course, but rarely do I puff a Churchill when I’m not on the links. What gives?

What’s more, golf seems to encourage drinking. OK, I’m not saying golf will drive you to drink – I mean, it may…but what I’m saying is you play in a tournament and there’s alcohol everywhere. There’s beer before and after the round; the MOFOBETE has beer; and organizers may even bring in scantaly-clad ladies to set-up cocktail booths at different holes (those girls are trouble by the way – and no Honey, I never talk to them…I don’t even look at them)…

Anyway, all this has me pondering why I don’t drink on the course. And I guess my answer is this: I care too much about my game to impair it with alcohol – be it one beer or ten.

Wow. Sorry, I didnt realize how much that last statement makes me sound like a complete jackass. You see, I stink at golf. I don’t even have an outside shot at winning a local tourney, let alone a professional one. But the truth is, I take golf too serioulsy to drink while playing it. Am I alone?

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