GolfStinks

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Televised Golf Ruined My Game

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Every time I watch golf on TV I “think” I gain some insight on how to better my game…(insert ‘wrong answer’ buzzer here). Damn you professional-touring-golfer-who-makes-it-look-so-easy. Why do you make me believe I can make these shots and instead I end up messing them up? You can’t tell me you’ve never watched a pro on TV hit a shot and then tell yourself “Ah ha! That’s how you do it.”

Now, add in the commentator (another enabler) and you’re convincing yourself you can hit ’em like they do and in no time be on the tour. For example, David Deherty was talking about Tiger’s shot and what he was going to do. Deherty, with all his wit, proceeds to tell the viewers how Tiger is going to “come across his body and really rotate his wrists”…WTF does that really mean to me? Regardless, I watch Tiger hit the shot flawlessly with some right to left movement on the ball and land it on the green.

Apparently, I must have consumed a retard sandwich prior to watching because I thought to myself…again…”Ah ha! That’s how you do it.” That’s definitely how you do it alright, if you want to make yourself look like an ass and take yourself out of your game. Not for nothing but, how do these commentators know what shot these guys are going hit before they hit it?

Here’s my last gripe with televised golf. I just got a new HDTV and the picture on it is pretty friggin’ good. I start to notice things like how much greener the fairways are than my local track. How much more level the tee boxes are and how smooth the greens are and so on. So, I’ve figured out a couple solutions to this tv hindering my golf experience thing. 1) practice, practice, practice and try to qualify or 2) change the channel…

Hit’em long…yell FORE!!

Only You John Daly…Only You

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I have to give Mr. Daly credit. He might not be the best role model for the young golfers out there but, I admire his honesty. A couple weeks back he was signing a copy of his book “My Life In And Out Of The Rough” (hmmmmm…you could also replace the word “Rough” with other stuff like “Bottle” or “Most Ridiculous Pants”). Anyway, he supposedly told a Charlotte, NC newspaper that he was happier as a miserable drunk and that he played better drunk.

Come on John, don’t sugar coat it! Tell us how you really feel. He also went on to mention that he hasn’t had a drink in two years and that the more he works on his game sober, the worse he gets. And he hasn’t been in the top 10 in the last 4 years, to boot. Well, I guess that puts the kibosh on a possible career in motivational or public speaking when he retires from golf. Could you imagine if he was to speak at an AA meeting?

This brings me to my next issue. What’s up with the threads? I’m going to chalk his wardrobe up to the booze. Oh no? You tell me…

Could these pants be symbolic? Is he going “Tiger” hunting in his red and black? Nah, you can blame Jack Daniels.

Ok…Ringling Bros. might be hiring if this golf thing doesn’t pan out.

Aloha…

John Daly, you ol’ motor boatin’ son of a b, I didn’t know you were such a fan of John Holmes?

John, please tell me this is for breast cancer awareness.

You know what John, we might bust them on you a little now and again, but in my book, you’re an honest, stand-up (maybe wobbly at times but standing up nonetheless) guy. Thanks for keeping us smiling…

Hit’em long, yell FORE!

The Best Time of Day To Golf?

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I was asked recently; “When is the best time to golf?.” I wanted to say “Whenever the old lady wants me to do something…,” but she will be reading this post. Seriously though I had to stop and think for a second. There are golfers that play only if their tee time is at the ass-crack of dawn (frickin’ go-getters) while there are others that won’t go until the twilight special (cheap bastids).

When is the best time? Growing up I used to hear sayings like “Early to bed, early to rise, blah, blah, blah…” And for the most part it is right. So, some benefits of golfing early would be you are well-rested mentally and physically and there are fewer people out there to slow you down (unless you were cuttin’ the rug all night and the golf course is on the way home).

I tend to be neutral on this. Yes, golfing early does have benefits but so does a round in the afternoon. It could be cheaper because some courses offer specials during the slower hours of the day. The golf course rush-hour is over by then which also leaves fewer people out there. And you could use it as a way to unwind and break up the day a bit.

After mulling it over a little more, the answer to “When is the best time to golf?” clearly has to be; “The best time is when you are golfing.” It doesn’t matter if it’s early or late, it only matters that you get out there and play. Hey, the early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese…

Hit’em long, yell FORE! And get that cheese…

A Game of Firsts

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Life happens, obviously. But every once in a while it hits me and for a moment there is some clarity. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying I figured it out, all I mean is that stuff makes sense…sometimes. Like a golf swing, you know? You go through the motions and somehow it works…sometimes. How? Who the heck knows but you always remember that first time you did it.


It seems (as the title implies) golf has many significant firsts. There are the great ones such as your first hole in one, birdie or eagle. And then there’s the unspectacular firsts or the yang (because every ying has it’s yang). The bogey, double bogey, snowman or the “why did I come out and play today?”. This could also be followed by your first broken club.

More importantly, I believe there are firsts that far outweigh golf’s ying yang or balance of good and evil. Due to some current happenings around me, my ideas and train of thought have shifted. This carries over into all facets of my life. For instance, A couple weeks ago I had the honor of becoming an uncle…again. What does this mean? Well, since I don’t have kids yet and my brother doesn’t golf (I know, shame on him), I can bring my nephew out for his first golf outing.

This brings me back a little to my first attempt at golf. I call it an “attempt” because playing golf requires that you have a clue to what you are doing. This was also my first time driving a golf cart and my first time losing a ball…or five after nine holes. Regardless, I think of how great it is to share something you really enjoy with someone you care about.

It’s funny because when I first played golf I was told ” Don’t worry about the rules…just get out there a get a feel for what playing golf is all about.” I sure am glad I wasn’t told that when I first learned how to drive a car. All I can say is life gives us the opportunity to experience something for a first time. It’s a pretty big concept if you think about it.

Hit’em long, yell FORE!!! For the first time…today.

My Halloween Costume

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Stinky Golfer Greg mentioned in his last post, “You Know that Local Course You Love So Much?” that autumn sadly signifies the end of our golf season here in the Northeast.

Luckily, we have halloween though, a chance to dress up like a tool and still be accepted. Not that I dress like a tool normally, but you get the idea. What do you mean I can’t wear cowboy boots and spandex shorts?

So, I put some thought into my halloween costume this year and decided it should be golf-related. Not wanting to jump on the bandwagon and be Cigar Guy, I thought I could go as a professional tour player. How about Phil Mickelson? Good ol’ Lefty would be a good one. All I have to do is make it to the end and…not win. Oof! Maybe not as good an idea as I thought.

John Daly…bingo! This has two options; the fat version or the not so fat version. I’ll raid a trailer park for some threads, solicit a hooker and get s@#%-faced everywhere I go. On top of that, I’ll wager butt loads of money frivolously anywhere that I can gamble it away. Wait, I think Daly doesn’t drink anymore and just chain smokes now. Plus, I really don’t have the extra cash to be betting with. Scratch JD off the list. Next!

Tiger, Tiger Woods y’all!!! Oh man, I’ll whip everyones’ ass and sleep with all the women while sporting the red and black Nike get-up. Sweet! Actually, I won’t even be available for Halloween because I gotta show the new beer-cart girl my putter. You know, I want her to see how I sink my balls in-person. This has potential…a little risky but has potential.

I could always go a little old school with someone like Greg Norman. That would be pretty cool. Fake a Down-Under accent, rock a pimp hat (come on, his hat is one feather away from Huggy Bear’s collection) and throw some shrimp on the barbie. G’day mate, it sure is a lovely day. Golf? What is that? Would yoos care ta try some of me wine? Or maybe not…

The hell with it! Being a pro golfer is unrealistic. I need something that is more…me. Something I can really relate to. A costume that fits my persona and allows for an easy transition into character. Now where did I put that Mr. T wig?

Hit’em long, yell FORE!!! Cuz’ I pity the fool with no golf etiquette!

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