GolfStinks

A Golf Blog for the Rest of Us!

El Significado del Golf

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A precision club-and-ball sport, in which competing players (golfers), using many types of clubs, attempt to hit balls into each hole on a golf course while employing the fewest number of strokes.

A game in which a player using special clubs attempts to sink a ball with as few strokes as possible into each of the 9 or 18 successive holes on a course. – Merriam-Webster

A game played on a large open-air course, in which a small hard ball is struck with a club into a series of small holes in the ground, the object being to use the fewest possible strokes to complete the course. – Oxford English

So which is it, a game or a sport? Personally, I couldn’t give a crap but I’m sure many beers, pretzels and peanuts have been consumed arguing over this barstool topic. I’d bet that debate eventually led into: “What’s the difference between a sport and a game?” Which probably opened another can of worms: “Is golf a game or sport?” This could last many days and many kegs.

The three definitions or meanings of golf seem pretty blah though. When I think of golf and what it means to me, striking a small ball with a club into a hole in the ground is definitely not what crosses my mind. Unfortunately, the definition of golf as mentioned above (along with other sports and games), seems to suck the life right out of it.

The meaning that we carry with us is by far more vivid and significant. To some, golf means a chance to spend a morning or afternoon with their son, daughter, sister or brother. A chance to hang out with some buddies and relax. A way to raise money and awareness for a charity or cause. Golf could also mean a place where business deals are solidified. All in all, I’m certain more good has come from golf than bad.

Until now, I never really thought about the meaning of golf. After looking up the definition, it made we think about how much was left out. Is this what non-golfers see it as? Oh man, we need to clarify this and let people know the truth. Hey, will slicing that tee-shot into the woods suck? Yes, it will. Will that snowman you got on the par three chap your ass? Probably but, we are golfing and that means something other than just what the old dictionary says!

Hit’em long…Yell Fore! Spread the word.

Golfer Math

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I was listening to my buddy, Jay, bark on the phone to his cable TV/internet/telephone provider’s customer support representative, Ken, about an overcharge that wasn’t refunded in full. He used the term “golfer math” in a way I had never heard. Actually, I never even heard of the term “golfer math“, never mind the context in which he used it.

So, Jay went back-and-forth with customer support until he reached the point of where enough was enough. He stopped and asked the rep, “Hey, let me ask you Ken, are you a golfer?” I’m guessing Ken answered yes and friend-o-mine followed with “OK…then maybe you should stop using golfer math when figuring out refunds.” Ken must have replied with something like “Golfer math?”, and then…”Yeah, golfer math, Ken. You know, what you end up with is somehow mysteriously less than what you are supposed to get.”

That actually made me laugh. How funny is it that people automatically associate cheating as a part of the game? I really can’t think of any other sport or activity that has as many opportunities to cheat as golf does, and for the record, I am basing this on a recreational level. Obviously, pro tournaments have a ton of eyes watching every stroke.

Golfer math has also been disguised as: Mulligan, Breakfast Ball or a Gimme. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I never used it, I’m just saying I never heard it used that way.

Hit’em long…yell FORE! Make sure your golf pencil has an eraser.

Why Golf, Why?

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Ok, so I have another issue with this torture-inflicting game called golf that I love so much – our relationship. It’s true, we are suckers for abuse. The worse you treat us the more difficult it is to stay away.

You know that friend you may have secretly liked but they were so wrapped up in a crappy relationship with an abusive a-hole and everybody saw it except them? Well, I’m the friend and golf is the abusive a-hole.
I went and checked out some classic signs of a bad relationship and it’s just as I suspected:

  • Lack of Trust – How do you trust someone (or thing) that lets you down a lot? Hey, I know I could practice more but, WTF. How about showing some love once in a while? Maybe a kick towards the fairway instead of the woods.
  • Disrespect – Not treating the other person like they are important. Golf, do you know how it feels when all I do is try to take care of you and in return you do stuff like give me 10 on a par 3?
  • Fear of Change – I can’t change now. I’ve invested too much into this already, plus softball messes with my swing.
  • Physical or Emotional Abuse – Do I need to go here?
But wait, there is good news! With a little help, we can develop a healthy, happy relationship with golf once again. It may take a little time but we can do it. Get back in that driver’s seat and own what’s yours! Who wears the knickers in this relationship…? That’s right – we do!

Personally, I look to players like Phil Mickelson and John Daly for inspiration. These guys have had their share of ups and downs. They should be counselors with all the real life experience they have. If there’s one thing I can take away from all of this – it’s to have fun. Don’t sweat the small stuff and enjoy your time together.
Hit’em long…yell FORE! Don’t get whipped…

Golf for Free?

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With a steady decline of tee-times being filled and empty courses during the week, it was only a matter of time before the ol’ proverbial “For Sale” sign would hang on the front lawn of our beloved local tracks.


I’m sure the recent rise in unemployment and this f%$#in’ “recession” might have something to do with it. You would think if you’re not working than there’s more time to golf, right? Well, last time I checked I think you need money to do that.

So, as usual I strapped on the thinking cap and charged it with beer…I mean “smart juice” – a whole twelve pack of it. For some reason, the more I drink the smarter I get…or at least I think I do. Moving on, I did some research and found out that, just like in the housing market, some golf courses were being repossessed and up for public auction while others were having short sales. Could this possibly be a good time to invest?

Basically you would have to weigh the pro’s and con’s. Obviously, a pro would be that you golf for free. If you’re able to grab a golf course for half-a-mil or less and figure the average round costs $45, it would virtually pay for itself in like…11…thousand…rounds…yeah…right. Ok, maybe I would have to invite some friends or something. Whatta you know, another check in the pro column – I would be the coolest friend in the world!


Supposedly, as of a few years ago there were around 200 courses for sale. That’s a lot of land! I wonder what would happen if this trend keeps up? I do know a lot of courses have been cutting their greens fees significantly, as well as reducing membership dues to attract more members. If I had the money to invest in a course I definitely would. My justification would be part financial strategy and part love for the game. So any uber rich golf lovers – please take note: The idea of an empty and weed infested golf course just doesn’t sit well with me.

Hit’em long…yell FORE! Save a course.

A Fitting Farewell To A Golf Buddy

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Recently, a friend of mine (and fellow hack) had unfortunately lost his father. You see, his dad was an avid golfer and the game was a big part of their lives. Not only was he his father, he was also his first and best golf buddy. A lot of their issues were discussed and resolved on the course. Needless to say, it was almost therapeutic for them to be out there together.

As an advocate for the game this means a lot. This is something that goes above and beyond winning a tournament. The more I thought about it the more I realized that a loss of this magnitude is life changing. Don’t get me wrong, if there was a slight a chance that I could win the Masters that too would be life changing but, I’m referring to something that is much more significant than a green jacket.

When my buddy’s dad would hit the course, it was “Big Bird” and “Lady Luck” that would come through for him in the clutch. “Big Bird” was his Big Bertha driver and “Lady Luck” was his lucky #7 iron. According to him, these were his essential clubs that he relied on so much almost like a safety blanket. He was confident with those two clubs.

I’ll never forget my friends ultimate tribute to his dad and favorite golfing buddy. A couple days after his father passed, we took him out for a quick round to help him get his mind off of what was going on. As he placed his bag on the cart, we all noticed something different…there stood “Big Bird” and “Lady Luck”.

Hit’em Long…yell FORE! Enjoy the game.

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