Stinky Golfer Greg mentioned in his last post, “You Know that Local Course You Love So Much?” that autumn sadly signifies the end of our golf season here in the Northeast.

Luckily, we have halloween though, a chance to dress up like a tool and still be accepted. Not that I dress like a tool normally, but you get the idea. What do you mean I can’t wear cowboy boots and spandex shorts?

So, I put some thought into my halloween costume this year and decided it should be golf-related. Not wanting to jump on the bandwagon and be Cigar Guy, I thought I could go as a professional tour player. How about Phil Mickelson? Good ol’ Lefty would be a good one. All I have to do is make it to the end and…not win. Oof! Maybe not as good an idea as I thought.

John Daly…bingo! This has two options; the fat version or the not so fat version. I’ll raid a trailer park for some threads, solicit a hooker and get s@#%-faced everywhere I go. On top of that, I’ll wager butt loads of money frivolously anywhere that I can gamble it away. Wait, I think Daly doesn’t drink anymore and just chain smokes now. Plus, I really don’t have the extra cash to be betting with. Scratch JD off the list. Next!

Tiger, Tiger Woods y’all!!! Oh man, I’ll whip everyones’ ass and sleep with all the women while sporting the red and black Nike get-up. Sweet! Actually, I won’t even be available for Halloween because I gotta show the new beer-cart girl my putter. You know, I want her to see how I sink my balls in-person. This has potential…a little risky but has potential.

I could always go a little old school with someone like Greg Norman. That would be pretty cool. Fake a Down-Under accent, rock a pimp hat (come on, his hat is one feather away from Huggy Bear’s collection) and throw some shrimp on the barbie. G’day mate, it sure is a lovely day. Golf? What is that? Would yoos care ta try some of me wine? Or maybe not…

The hell with it! Being a pro golfer is unrealistic. I need something that is more…me. Something I can really relate to. A costume that fits my persona and allows for an easy transition into character. Now where did I put that Mr. T wig?

Hit’em long, yell FORE!!! Cuz’ I pity the fool with no golf etiquette!