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The Funniest Golf Lesson You’re Likely to See

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Let me start by stating, I am not at all a fan of reality TV.  For the most part, I can’t stand watching a bunch of nobodies over-acting in what is a clearly scripted, but tries to be passed off as unscripted, show.  If I’m going to watch a sit-com or drama or whatever type of show, I want to be entertained by actors and actresses who are professionals and who know what they are doing.  I don’t want to see some bobble-headed idiot trying really hard to “act.”  Bottom line – if you are turning on The Real Housewives of anywhere, and feel like you are watching quality television, you need to turn off your TV and find something better to do with your time.  It’s television for idiots.

That being said…a little over a year ago, I let my wife talk me into watching an episode of Duck Dynasty.  That was a mistake, but not because I saw it as a typical reality show.  Instead, quite unexpectedly, I enjoyed it!  It turned out to be funny and very entertaining.  Before I knew it, I started watching every week, and to me, Uncle Si became one of the funniest people on television.  So imagine how excited I was when I saw that last weeks episode would include Uncle Si discovering Youtube and attempting to post an instructional golf video, despite not being a golfer.  What followed was this golf lesson from which no one should try to learn anything.

Take a look at his “Four basic, simple steps.”

1.  Stance – “OK, step 2….”  That’s all he has to say!  “Stance.”  Basically, he said to just stand there!  Not how you stand, where you stand or where your feet should be.  Nothing except to stand there.  Genius!

2.  If you want this ball to go a pretty good distance, you swing hard – Does that even qualify as a “step,” or is that more just a general statement?  I mean, he’s right.  If you don’t swing hard, the ball may not go very far.  Still though…maybe not the best advice you can get.  Funny nonetheless.  Also, reminding us that hitting the little white ball is of paramount importance (not quite pronounced that way though) is a great tip!

At this point, the self-described “Amateur golfer, but a professional golf instructor” takes us to steps 3 and 4 which will help us with our putting.

3.  Figure out your long putt – Now that’s a great step.  Figure out your long putt.  If only someone told me that thirteen years ago, I could have had this game mastered by now!

4.  Don’t overdo it – As he rockets his putt past the hole.  Once again, is this really a step?  Or more just a word of advice.  Either way, I guess it could be helpful, right?

OK, so it’s obviously a big joke – the guy doesn’t play golf, but he’s going to give us a golf lesson.  It’s strictly for the sake of comedy.  But could you imagine if a golf lesson came down to something so simple?  Stand there and hit the ball hard.  When you’re on the green, take out your putter and don’t overdo it.  If we could all treat golf a little closer to this simple, we’d all leave the course with a bigger smile on our faces.

Swing ’til you’re happy!

Giving Golf A Second Chance

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The old second chance.  Many people deserve it.  Few get it.  But what about golf?  How many people do you think quit the game and leave it behind for good?  I’ll bet it’s a much higher number than the people who quit the game and come back.  But I recently read an article about a man who plans on doing just that. 

This particular gentleman gave up the game back in high school.  Now that in itself is kind of strange, being that it seems to be the time when many are being introduced to the game.  It was for me.  I didn’t start playing in high school, but I had a part-time job at a local golf course, which is where I first discovered the driving range.  But that’s about as deep into golf as I got until my mid-20’s. 

But as we’ve mentioned before, sometimes life gets in the way of golf.  It does for most of us.  There’s always something to do that keeps us away from this great game.  And once we get pulled away from the course for a significant amount of time, many of us never go back.  But thankfully, some of us do.  Our writer realized after several failed home improvement projects, that he needed something else to do with his free time.  So, looking for something more social, enter…or…re-enter golf.

So now, he’s faced with some of the the decisions with which many of us were faced when we first took up the game – taking lessons and purchasing clubs.  So if I could inject a bit of my own advice, I would like to say just a couple of things.

1.  Enjoy the game for what it is – a game.  If you take your game or your lessons too seriously, you’ll be missing out on some of the fun. 

2.  Use the time on the course for something more than just playing golf.  Make a day of it with your buddies.  Relax, talk, hang out, have a couple beers…make it a good social experience with your friends. 

3.  Understand that you will never be a pro.  And if you’re taking up the game later in life, understand that you will likely never even approach the point you think you will reach.  If you hit more bad shots than good…who gives a crap?!  Is it your job?  Are you blowing a million dollar purse?  Are you losing your chance at making the PGA Tour?  No!  You’re just out there having a good time.  Continue to do that.     

4.  As for your clubs, before you go out and dump an obscene amount of money into a driver and a set of irons, make sure you’re going to stick with the game first.  I bought a cheap set of clubs to start with and used them for a good twelve years before I got custom-fitted for a set.  And though they feel like they’re helping, my scores certainly don’t reflect it.

Point is, I’m glad to see someone returning to the game.  But I’d be happier if they were to stick with it.  And a few simple ideas with which to approach the game can make the experience all the better. 

Swing ’til you’re happy!      

Why I Don’t Get Angry On The Golf Course

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What's Stinky Golfer Chris' secret to staying happy out on the golf course? (Stinky Golfer Chris; Photo by Greg D'Andrea)
What’s Stinky Golfer Chris’ secret to staying happy out on the golf course? (Stinky Golfer Chris; Photo by Greg D’Andrea)

Have you ever golfed with that guy who hits a terrible shot, or several terrible shots, and gets absolutely furious at himself?  Worse yet, is that same guy a terrible golfer?  I play with that guy all the time.  Stinky Golfer Tom, seems to have a mental breakdown just about every round.

Now Tom has a few versions of a mental breakdown.  First, there’s the profanity-laced tirade that goes something like this – Tom hammers a ball with his driver.  Then, almost like it’s on a string, the ball slices into the neighboring fairway.  “F***!!  F***!!  F***!!  Always right!!  Always F***ing right!!”

Then there’s the club slam.  That normally comes from the rough.  It’s exactly as it sounds.  He hits the ball, something bad happens, and it’s followed by an almost earth-shaking thud, thud, thud…like Godzilla is bounding his way down the fairway.  He never throws the club, just slams it into the ground like he’s hammering a railroad spike.

But third, and maybe the funniest, is the silent anger.  A point comes along where he just gives up on himself.  He’s playing so terrible, that he just picks the ball up and wanders to the next hole.  It’s especially comical when, like two rounds ago, he does it on the first hole!

As funny as these episodes are for the the rest of us, I wonder if they’re justified.  What I mean is, ever since I’ve been golfing, Tom, for the most-part, has been a triple-digit golfer with the occasional round in the 90’s.  So does he, or golfers like him, have the “right” to do this?  Should they get this angry?  Are they good enough that they should be angry for screwing up?

Me, I don’t get angry on the course.  Sure, I’ll let out a little reminder to myself such as “I stink” or “I suck at this game.”  But that’s about it.  See, I’m not a good golfer to begin with.  I know I’m not and I don’t expect that, all of a sudden, I’m going to somehow become a scratch golfer.  So why would I get so angry when I hit a bad shot?  I have accepted the mentality that I’m not good enough to get mad.  And better yet, I’m not sure I want to get better for that reason.  If I get mad at myself for playing poorly, then I’ve begun taking it too serious…and I don’t want that to happen.

Someone once mentioned to me that they have a buddy that gets angry at himself at every mistake he makes.  But he doesn’t take lessons, has never taken a lesson and just isn’t a very good player.  So what is he so mad about?  On the other hand, the guy who told me this story isn’t much better.  However, he takes lessons and is trying to get better.  But if he doesn’t…then he has something to be angry about.  Now, is that good or bad for him?

The problem for them, in my opinion, is something I have learned to accept.  I am perfectly comfortable with my level of play.  I know I’m playing simply for the fun of it.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I’m not trying to become a scratch golfer.  So I have no reason to get angry when I play poorly.  If I hit a great shot, fantastic!  If I hit a terrible shot, who cares?!  It’s absolute golfing bliss!  And to me, that’s the way it should be.

Swing ’til you’re happy!

Why Exactly Are You Playing Golf?

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Is golf too much work and not enough fun for you? (photo by Greg D’Andrea)

So a buddy of mine just got engaged this past weekend.  After offering up my congratulations, I proceeded to fill him in on the support group for men who have fallen victim to the engagement/marriage syndrome.  I let him know that we meet whenever necessary at local bars and golf courses.  He doesn’t realize it right now, but he’ll be joining us there soon.

It was only a joke, but it made me think about the reasons some of us are out on the links to begin with.  Get away from the wife and kids for a few hours.  Love of the game.  An escape from a routine.  The competition.  The challenge.  All of the above maybe?  For me, it’s a little bit of all of these.  But at the same time, it’s none of them.

Some people just don’t get why I golf.  I’m not talking about the people who are non-golfers and for one reason or another dislike the game.  I’m talking about other golfers.  Now I don’t mean a guy who watched me play a round and then said to me “Dude, why are you even out here?  You stink at this game.”  He’s right, I do stink at golf.  But I’m talking about the guys who don’t understand that I’m only out on the course to hang out with my friends and do something we all enjoy.  The actual game is secondary to me.

The comment I made earlier regarding the meetings at bars and golf courses is what made me think of this.  But to me, playing golf with my friends, and heading to the bar with my friends, are pretty much interchangeable.  And I truly believe this mentality is what keeps me enjoying the sport (just as much as enjoying the bar).  I’ll explain.

Golf, to me, is a social activity.  It’s not a competition to me.  It’s not something at which I need to excel.  It’s not something at which I expect to become great, nor do I really care if I do.  It’s something I do with my friends as “hang-out time.”  It’s about the equivalent of going to a ball game together, to the bar, the casino, dinner or whatever.  It’s just good quality time with people whom I don’t always get to spend enough.  But that’s where I want to draw the line on golf.  Any more, and golf would no longer be all about fun and socialization.

The day I actually go out and pay for a lesson will be the day that I have begun to take golf too seriously.  And that, friends, is where other golfers don’t understand why I play.  It is completely lost on them that I’m not concerned with getting better.  But the attitude of other golfers is what gets lost on me!  Why so many people have the urge to spend money with a pro to get better at a sport at which they will never actually compete is way over my head.  They ask me “Don’t you want to get better?”  But when I respond with “Don’t you ever want to play simply for fun?” they look at me like I have three heads!  Like the whole concept of playing for fun is completely foreign to them!  Like it’s never even crossed their mind.

I’ve said it several times before, but I’ll never get it.  I didn’t hire a hitting coach when I played softball. I didn’t bring in a shooting instructor when I played basketball.  I don’t look to the The Mad Fisherman when I’m having a slow day at the lake.  So why would I pay a golf pro to help me with my swing?  I do all of these things for the same reason – fun.  Not to try and become a pro.  Why should golf be any different?

Now I’m not at all knocking people who take lessons.  I understand that many people want to be better golfers.  I understand that most people take the game much more seriously than I do.  If that’s what you want to do, then by all means, do it!  Take multiple lessons.  Get better.  Become a great golfer!  But what I am knocking is the people who have this over-bearing opinion that I NEED to take a lesson.  Or that golfers who are new to the game MUST seek out a pro.  It’s just foolish.  Further, I’m of the opinion that this mentality is something that keeps new, younger players from taking up the game to begin with.  People already see the game as expensive, uptight and boring.  Now, to add in that they have to pay a pro to help them?  I’m sorry, but that is the wrong way to introduce players to the game.

Think about someone introducing you to the game.  They say to you “Come on, we’re going to go play golf.  Let’s spend a bunch of money on your clubs, more on the accessories you need to play such as balls, tees and stuff like that.  Then we have to buy you some shoes.  Then we’ll go hire a pro to teach you how to swing.”  Are you freakin’ kidding me?!  If my friends introduced the game to me like that, I wouldn’t be playing today.  I would have said “Thanks, but no thanks” and gone right back to playing basketball and softball.  They play for fun, and that’s exactly how they introduced it to me.

Now keep in mind, I love playing golf.  Although I play for fun, I do try to play well while I’m out there.  I might as well, right?  I’m not a student of the game.  I don’t follow it professionally.  I’m not concerned with becoming a great player.  But don’t think just because you take lessons that you love the game any more than I do.  Maybe you do, maybe you don’t.  But your desire to get better doesn’t measure anything.  We just love the game for two different reasons.

All I’m saying is before you encourage people, especially players new to the game, to spend the money on lessons with pros, find out why they are out on the course playing golf to begin with.  You may think you’re being helpful.  But what you may see as helpful and necessary, they may see as a complete turn-off.  I almost never give advice to anyone about their game.  But if I was to do so, the only advice I would ever actually give is…

Swing ’til you’re happy!

Maybe What We Need Is Beer-League Golf…

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Have you ever met the guy who has no friggin’ idea what his handicap is? You’re having a conversation and golf comes up. You say “So you play, huh? What’s your handicap?” And you get this…”No idea. I usually shoot in the upper-90’s or low 100’s.” And you give him that look like you’re thinking “How the hell does this guy not know what his handicap is?” Don’t you just hate that guy? Well guess what…that guy is me.

The only reason I have some sort of general idea about my handicap is due to Stinky Golfer Greg. He figures it out for me. Otherwise, and for the most part anyway, I’m the guy who makes the above statement.

What I can’t figure out for the life of me is, why people look at me like I have three heads when I tell them I don’t know what my handicap is? Really now…what’s the big deal? If golf is supposed to be this game you play against yourself, then why is everyone so concerned with everyone elses handicap? Do you just want to know if you’re better than me? Here, I’ll make it simple for you…I stink….you’re better….my name is Stinky Golfer Chris for cryin’ out loud! There, do you feel better about your own game now? Glad I could help.

I don’t understand why all these golfers who are not pro players (and I’m sorry to inform them, never will be) have some fascination with this number. I also fail to understand why the simple concept of playing golf just for the fun of it, goes right over the heads of most. I’ll go back to an old analogy I made – I play beer league softball. I know or run into many others who play softball also. However, I have yet to hear one of those players ask me what my batting average is. Truthfully, why would they care? It’s just softball for fun. Don’t get me wrong…we all try to win. But if we don’t…so what? I look at golf in the same light. Why is that so hard for other golfers to understand?

I guess I just don’t understand the concept of spending obscene amounts of money on golf lessons only to take my new and improved game out to my local tracks. Let’s go back to softball for a second. I try to do well when I play…but I’m not about to go take private batting lessons with Walt Hriniak or field grounders with Ozzie Smith. I play for fun! Just like I do with golf! Why is that so hard to understand?

For some reason though, golfers just don’t get that. Most golfers can’t understand that I step onto the course with every intention of having a good time. If I play well, great! If not, great! As long as I played.

See, I think like this: Once I begin to really work at golf (lots of practice, taking lessons, etc…) the game is no longer a game. It’s now work. I don’t ever want a sport that I enjoy to become work. Especially if I’m not going to get paid for it!

Am I the only one who feels this way? Does anyone else not know, or care, what their handicap is? Does anyone else play this sport simply for the fun of it? I can’t be the only one of my kind….can I?

Swing ’til you’re happy! It’s the reason I play!

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