GolfStinks

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Golf With A Grump

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thWe here at GolfStinks always joke about some of the characters on the golf course, but because we tend to play together, times are few and far between that we actually get paired up with them.  But this past weekend, I went out for a nine-hole round with a fellow stinky golfer.  And sure enough, we joined up for a few holes with Mr. Grumpy “Rules-Guru” Golfer.  Though it lasted only three holes, it was quite the experience.

We start out playing only as a twosome, and that continued through six holes before we caught up with the twosome in front of us.  Under a bit of pressure from the group behind us, we ask to join them, although it did seem as if they were not too happy about our request.  What we were in store for was quite the surprise.

It started on the seventh hole when we joined an older gentleman playing with his daughter.  This particular gentleman seemed annoyed that we were trying to join him, and had no interest at all in even speaking to us.  This was a complete one-eighty from the friendly nature of most golfers we encounter.  It wasn’t until walking off the seventh green that he even uttered  a word to us, and even that seemed at the behest of his daughter.

The eight hole continued the same until, while on the eighth green, Mr. Grumpypants scolded my playing partner when he attempted to tend the pin.  I didn’t notice the situation as I was walking to my ball, but I heard him mutter something about a two-stroke penalty and knowing the rules of golf.  At this point, I wanted to (but didn’t) tell this guy “Look, this is a $20 nine-hole course.  No one out here right now is a stickler for the rules…only you.  Further, everyone else out on this course is here for fun…except you.”

The ninth hole continued and ended without a word.   The only time we were acknowledged was when my playing partner found the grumps ball under a tree.  Barely a “thank you wave” was given.  My partner tried to make a polite joke about moving the ball out from under the tree…which of course went without even a smirk.  And in true gentleman golfer fashion, after Captain Crabby sank his last putt, he hurried away without a hand-shake, a word, tip of his hat or any acknowledgement whatsoever.  At least his daughter was polite enough to, almost apologetically, wish us a good day before she went to meet him.

Until this day, we’ve had the pleasure of being paired up with many different types of golfers.  Male and female.  Good players and well, not-so-good.  Those who looked the part and didn’t play it.  Those who looked to be with the tennis shoe crowd but played like they could attempt qualifying for a tour.  But never with a golfer who just flat-out wanted nothing to do with us.  It was certainly an experience, but one I hope not to repeat.

Swing ’til you’re happy!

5 Signs Your Private Course is now Public

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tennis shoe crowdRecently, ngf.org (National Golf Foundation) conducted research surrounding private country clubs in the U.S. – what they found is a drop in nearly 400 private courses over the past 5 years – but rather than closing their doors, the majority of these clubs are simply converting over to public facilities.

In light of this new phenomenon, it might be prudent to provide a way for private club members to recognize they no longer belong to a top-drawer establishment. Below are 5 signs your private course has recently been downgraded converted to a daily fee facility:

#1 – You notice the dress code is slipping a bit.
First, you realize people are wearing collared shirts from brands you’ve never heard of – like Faded Glory and Sonoma. And strangely, no one seems to tuck in anymore. As for the pants, you wonder whatever happened to that style of little whales or ducks embroidered all over them – now it seems everyone is wearing shorts…yuck. Finally, wearing an ascot around your neck or sweater across your shoulders seems to be eliciting strange looks and/or nasty glances.

#2 – Your playing partner is a member of the Tennis Shoe Crowd
The fellow you’re paired up with isn’t even wearing a collared shirt! His clubs are of the yard sale variety and his shoes are more suitable for the tennis courts than the golf course. Furthermore, his course etiquette is atrocious and on nearly every hole you must help him find his ball in the woods. By the back nine, you have to take over the cart driving duties due to his inebriation from cheap domestic beer. Thankfully, he sleeps through the last 3 holes.

#3 – There are waits on the tee-boxes
For some reason, a few tees are backed-up two and three foursomes deep (especially the first tee). In these situations, it is important to remain calm (breath into a paper bag if necessary). Eventually you’ll get to tee off, but don’t be surprised if it takes several minutes. Unfortunately, waiting on the tee box is a tell-tale sign the iron gates at the entrance have been thrust open to the general public.

#4 – Your round is getting longer…a lot longer
Partly attributed to numbers 2 and 3, that speedy round you’re used to is now a thing of the past. It used to be you could finish 18 in a mere 2.5 – 3 hours if you made haste, but now 4- and even [gasp] 5-hour rounds are the norm. All this time out on the course is cutting into your after-round fraternizing in the clubhouse. But the good news is…

#5 – No one really lingers in the clubhouse anymore
Gone are the blissful days of debating the subtle performance differences between an Audi S5 and a BMW M5, while enjoying a game of Gin Rummy in your favorite smoking jacket (in fact – cigar-smoking indoors has been banned altogether). Meanwhile, the mahogany wood lockers sit unused and collecting dust, while you’ve overheard plans to convert most of the clubhouse space into a senior bingo hall on Thursday nights.

Alas, if any of these signs are recognizable at your club, there is a distinct possibility you now belong to a public facility (or worse even a muni). Our advice is to try to adapt as gracefully as possible. Perhaps begin by removing the ascot – hey, every little bit helps!

5 Signs You’re in the “Tennis Shoe Crowd”

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tennis shoe crowd
The stereotypical Tennis Shoe Crowd golfer (photo by Greg D’Andrea)

There are many different characters you have the opportunity to meet when you play golf at a public course, but perhaps none are more interesting than those we refer to as “The Tennis Shoe Crowd” (see link for definition and photo at left for visual).

Recently, I wrote about how I haven’t played a round of golf yet this year. As I was penning that post, the thought occurred to me that I, myself, might be joining the ranks of The Tennis Shoe Crowd for sheer lack of playing time! But fortunately, this past weekend (my first round of the season) I was reminded that it takes much more to join this special group than just golfing infrequently.

That being said, don’t let this affliction catch you off guard…Instead, be on the lookout for the following 5 symptoms – any one of them could be a sign you’re on your way to joining that misguided bunch affectionately known as The Tennis Shoe Crowd:

#1: You’re wearing tennis shoes or sneakers instead of golf shoes on the course (and other non-golf attire). While waiting in the course parking lot for my golf buddy to arrive this past weekend, I snapped the picture above. This guy is immediately recognizable as a member of The Tennis Shoe Crowd. The first obvious sign is he’s wearing tennis shoes instead of golf shoes. But there are other obvious signs too: He’s not only not wearing a collared shirt*, but it’s a sleeveless shirt! And jean shorts? I love the keys hanging off his belt too. This guy is wearing what he would wear any-other weekend when he’s not on the course – which is fine, but in doing so, it makes him our poster boy for The Tennis Shoe Crowd.

#2: You’re golfing frequency slows to once or twice a year. While I don’t anticipate golfing only once this season, it’s a possibility. But it takes more than just one year of playing once or twice. In general, members of The Tennis Shoe Crowd golf once or twice every year. Sometimes they even skip a year or two altogether. If it’s been a few years and you’ve only played a couple times, consider selling your clubs and golfing attire; purchasing used clubs at a garage sale (see #3 below) and adopting The Tennis Shoe Crowd way of golfing.

#3: Your clubs (and balls) are at least a decade old. Did you have to remember where your clubs were before playing the last time? Is your golf bag a hodge-podge collection of clubs from different golf sets? Are you carrying range balls in your bag with the intent of playing them? While having old, mix-matched clubs and balls doesn’t make you a Tennis Shoe Crowd member in and of itself, it could be a sign you’re eligible for membership. Now, there’s nothing wrong with garage sale clubs, but keep in mind it does make you appear Tennis Shoe Crowd-ish.

#4: The rules and golf etiquette are lost on you. Did the ranger (or your playing partner) have to tell you to not leave your golf bag on the green while putting? Are you using your ball-retriever to retrieve balls that aren’t yours? Actually, having a ball-retriever in the first place could be a sign. If you’re aimlessly wandering through the round hitting the wrong ball; stepping in someone else’s line; and holding up 6 foursomes behind you, chances are you don’t play too often (see #2 above). And meeting two of the criteria on this list is a pretty good sign you’re a full-fledged member of The Tennis Shoe Crowd.

#5: You take more care securing the cooler of beer to the cart than you do your clubs. In other words, if your clubs fall off the back of the cart, it’s not as big of a problem for you than if the cooler fell out. Even if you don’t meet any of the other criteria on this list but insist on getting wasted to enjoy golf, you’re probably in denial of being a member of the Tennis Shoe Crowd.

So be warned! If you or someone you know meets any of the criteria above, it could be a sign of membership in The Tennis Shoe Crowd. And if you are either paired up with, or are set to play behind someone that is dressed similar to the guy in the photo above who also happens to be in a cart with a cooler of beer strapped to it – go home and play another day. Trust me – mowing your lawn will be far preferable to 18 (or even 9) behind that guy.

*Should note the course “waived” their collared shirt rule for both the gentleman pictured and his collarless companion – times must be tough in the golf industry indeed.

You Golf With What?

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We here at Golfstinks.com are very proud of our glossary. You will see us use the various entries in our posts from time to time. Today happens to be one of those times. I always get a kick out of those people that don’t quite use the right equipment to play and we have a term called tennis shoe crowd which pretty much describes them.

tennis shoe crowd [ ténniss shoo krowd ]


phrase

persons whom play golf so infrequently, they do not sport the usual golf styles or equipment (these people are easily spotted on the course because they are playing with vintage garage sale clubs, wearing a t-shirt or wife-beater, jean shorts and donning tennis shoes).

There’s one particular time that comes to mind when the group in front of us appeared to be perfect examples of the tennis shoe crowd. They had all the tell tale signs; the vintage clubs, the swing-and-a-miss stroke play, the screaming across the fairway “Hey, watch this!” etc…you get the point. Mind you, we were also playing a local par 3 executive course known to be very relaxed.

We were making our way around the course when we came to a back-up around the 8th hole. Here’s our chance to get a close-up on the group in front of us and needless to say, I did not disappoint. Boy were we in for a treat. Never in my life did I see so many non golf equipment items be used for golf.

For starters, no one had a pair of golf shoes on. Not that golf shoes are absolutely necessary but, and I s#@$ you not, one guy had work boots on and his buddy was wearing football cleats. It gets better, Johnny Unitas over there also had an Under Armour receiver glove on and on top of that we over heard him swearing it was better than any golf glove. Hey, whatever floats your boat.

Ok, so you want to explore other options when it comes to golf equipment. Fine. Although, there comes a point where I draw the line especially when it comes to safety. One of the guys in front of us steps up to the tee box and that’s where I noticed the duct tape holding his club head on. Come on, are you kidding me! Old or not, at least have a set of proper clubs. Luckily, no one felt the wrath of the flying club head, which by the way did come off. Ah yes, the tennis shoe crowd.

Hit’em long…yell FORE!!! Don’t run with the crowd…

10 Surefire Signs You’re in for a Long Afternoon on the Golf Course

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Ever have one of those days on the golf course?
Ever have one of those days on the golf course?

I started playing golf at the age of 14. In the ensuing 20+ years, I (like many) have developed the ability to accurately gauge golfers just by looking at them.

Now don’t get me wrong – you can’t always judge a book by its cover, but any of the signs below usually mean I’m in for a long (and somewhat interesting) afternoon on the links – and all this can be ascertained BEFORE you actually tee-off on the first hole. Let’s take a look at some easy observations:

1. They carry a ball retriever
There it is, sticking out of the golf bag like a sore thumb. Whether it’s used to fish-out their own errant shot or the errant shot of somebody else, it’s going to come out of the bag and the rest of us are going to have to wait. “But I can get it, I see it right there…” This is golf, not fishing…drop a ball and move on.

2. They’re bringing more than one ball up to the tee
You know these people – they will load their pockets with golf balls before stepping up to each tee, figuring they will probably take at least one (maybe two or three) Mulligans. You know, it’s a good mental strategy to leave the extra ball in your bag. Oh well, hopefully they’re only playing nine.

3. They’re a member of the “Tennis Shoe Crowd”
They say you have to have patience to play golf. I think it’s for when you are paired with a member of the Tennis Shoe Crowd. Usually sporting a wife-beater, cut-offs and tennis shoes – these people play golf once, maybe twice in a decade. If you get paired with them, I guess it’s your lucky day!

4. There’s beer in the cart basket
This could be trouble – especially if it’s a cooler full of beer…double-trouble if there’s 5 or 6 cans already empty. Don’t get me wrong, I love beer. But the cart isn’t a portable keg and the ensuing lawsuits stemming from a golf cart packed with alcohol are endless…

5. They’ve got golf gloves on both hands
Tom, our co-founder here at Golfstinks, wears two gloves constantly on the course – even to putt (see figure 1). Tom’s a great guy and we’ve been friends for years, but I just don’t get the two gloves thing – it’s just strange…and typically so is anyone else you may encounter wearing two golf gloves. On a side note, Tom also carried a ball retriever in his bag until a few years ago…

6. They’re playing range balls
This should be an obvious tip-off you’re in for an interesting round…and was actually witnessed by me on the first-tee one time (hard not to notice the double stripes painted on the ball). Sometimes you just have to shake your head in amazement.

7. If duct tape is holding any of their club-heads on
Another obvious sign of trouble. Stinky Golfer Pete has witnessed this first-hand. In fear for his life, he literally hid behind the cart every time the person tee-off.

8. If they take more than 3 practice swings
There’s no reason for this at all – that’s why there’s a driving range. One or two swings is common. Three swings is pushing it. More than three? Settle in – it’s going to be a long day.

9. If they’re bragging about how good they are
This makes me stop in my tracks – I’m almost hesitant to shake the guy’s hand. We haven’t even teed-off and he’s already letting the rest of us know about the 78 he shot last time out. Inevitably, this person will double-bogey the first hole and then proceed to hack-up the rest of the course (reminding us the whole time by constantly saying: “I’m really off my game today”).

And finally…
10. They’re teaching another member of the foursome how to grip a club
If you see this (or see them teaching someone how to swing, stand, put the tee in the ground, etc.), you seriously need to reconsider how much you really want to play that day.

So the next time you’re paired-up with someone, be observant and prepare mentally. And if you know of any other pre-round signs out there – help us all out by leaving a comment.

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