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10 Golf Etiquette Rules Most Jackasses Ignore

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Is using your phone poor golf etiquette out on the course? (photo by Greg D’Andrea)

I’ve been playing golf for over 20 years and am quite comfortable with the fact that I stink. And to be honest, I’m quite comfortable in the fact that most people I’m paired-up with also stink. I’ve always said: “You don’t have to be good at golf to love it or play it.” However, golf etiquette is another story completely and quite necessary on the golf course.

Anybody who was taught to play this game the right way knows what I’m talking about – those unspoken rules of golf that show respect to your fellow players. You know; don’t step in someone’s line; don’t put your bag on the green; don’t talk while someone is swinging; etc.

The aforementioned rules are classic and well-known. But there are other, less obvious etiquette laws that golfers ignore all the time. Below are 10 discourteous acts that many uncultivated types employ on a regular basis:

#10
Hitting on the Cart Girl
This has got to be the worst come-on ever. It’s right up there with hitting on the waitress. Look, everybody knows the MOFOBETE will probably be hot – that’s why she got the job in the first place. But we men inevitably regress into gawking Cro-Magnon’s and can’t help but treat these girls like they’re dancing on a pole instead of serving us a beer.

#9
Throwing your Clubs
I actually polled people about this in a post I wrote last year. Sure, it might be funny for the first time or two someone follows-up a wretched shot with a toss of the old club. But if that same person is constantly flinging the war sticks across the fairway, it can get annoying fast. You’ve heard the saying “there’s no crying in baseball?” Well, there should be no temper-tantrums in golf.

#8
Talking on your Cell Phone
There’s actually an entire site dedicated to cell phone behavior. In golf, unless you’re waiting at the turn, there’s no reason to be chatting-away while walking up the fairway. And I guarantee the conversation won’t end just because it’s someone’s turn to hit – nope…you’ll just talk softer (but not soft enough) and inevitably will end the call by saying “OK, Bye” really loudly. How about keeping the phone in your bag and on mute during the round?

#7
Texting During Someone’s Swing
I know you think you’re being discreet by texting instead of talking, but I can still see your stupid fingers going a mile a minute in my peripheral vision. Isn’t golf hard enough without multitasking? There’s no reason to: Tweet about every shot; upload course pics to your Facebook page; or checkin at the 5th hole on Foursquare. Please note the last sentence of #8.

#6
Swearing Profusely…at Yourself
It’s totally cool if you want to call yourself an “asshole” after a poor shot. I get it – you’re frustrated and you needed to express yourself – completely understandable. But don’t go running away with it. There’s absolutely no reason to carry on verbally abusing yourself over a slice you’ve had since the 10th grade. I mean, where is your self respect? Really, it’s embarrassing – for both you and your foursome.

#5
Playing from the Wrong Tee Box
You know that pit in your stomach you get while waiting on the first hole and watching the hackers ahead of you flub all their drives? Well, I can live with that feeling…unless they are teeing-off from the back tees. There is no greater frustration than this – getting behind a bunch of clowns teeing off from the tips when it’s obvious they should be playing from the forward tees. I’ve actually dedicated an entire post to this last year and it’s perhaps one of my biggest golf-peeves. If you learn anything from this list, learn which tee-box you belong on.

#4
Excessive Use of Your GPS
Some people question if high-handicappers should own a GPS in the first place, but I’m not one of them – Even golfers who are trying to break 100 are going to benefit from knowing the exact yardage to the pin. But there comes a time when enough is enough. If you’re truly unsure what your distance is on your approach, by all means break-out the GPS. But using it just for the fun of it on every shot is no fun for the rest of your group (or the group behind you for that matter).

#3
Driving the Cart Like a Drunken Idiot
A good number of golfers feel like a golf cart is their own personal ATV…and most of the time alcohol is the reason for their reckless abandon. Perhaps this is why around 1,000 Americans a month are injured in golf cart accidents. Something rather juvenile overcomes people when they get behind that Plexiglas windshield. But remember – they’re there as caddies, not as bumper cars.

#2
Giving Swing Advice When No One Asks for It
Who are these people and where do they come from? Every time I mention this to a fellow golfer, they agree with me: “Oh I hate that too!” But some of them must be hypocrites, because there are way too many people out on the course giving swing advice who are not qualified to do so. If you’re an impromptu advice giver and are not a PGA-certified pro, please take this subtle hint: YOU’RE NOT FREAKING HELPING – YOU’RE JUST BEING AN ANNOYING PRICK!

#1
Talking about How Great you Usually Play
We all know this person: “Boy, I can’t believe I just got another triple-bogey…Normally I break 80 at this course.” I wanna scream at the top of my lungs; “What are you, an idiot?! We both know that’s absolute bollocks!” You shouldn’t even be allowed on the golf course if you’re this guy. Seriously, I should be able to call in your ridiculousness along with my order on the 9th-tee. Then when we make the turn, a couple of rangers escort you to the parking lot, confiscate your clubs and send you home with a certified “never play golf again” card.

Well, now that that’s off my chest, it’s time for me to get out my cell phone, have a few beers, jump in a golf cart and dive like a maniac down the par 5, 11th while shouting-out swing advice to anyone within ear-shot. Happy golfing.

Risk-Reward

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Do the risks outweigh the rewards in golf? (photo by Roger Kidd / CC BY 2.0)
Do the risks outweigh the rewards in golf? (photo by Roger Kidd / CC BY 2.0)

We’ve all heard of this before, just ask Phil Mickelson. For those not too sure of the meaning, it derives from Wall Street. Investors risking potential losses (the risk) in order to gain higher returns (the reward). On the golf course this means challenging a hazard or taking a tough shot, and risk losing a stroke, to potentially gain a stroke. With that said, let me give you my twist on the ol’ double “R”.

Stinky Golfer Greg and myself recently went and played a quick nine at a local track. As we butchered our way through the course, we joked about how you always hit your best shot into the foursome in front of you. It never fails. If you are 240 yards out and there is a foursome on the green, it is inevitable, you will hit a perfect 3 wood bomb right into their line as they putt. Hence, my take on risk-reward.

The Risk: Taking your shot knowing the foursome is within reach. You know damn well that if you wait for that foursome to finish or advance, you will flub the shot and everyone in your group will chime in with “It’s a good thing you waited for them to clear out, Tiger!”

The Reward: Hitting the straightest and most beautiful golf shot…ever! Yeah, yeah I know, it’s a crappy, non-golf etiquette, greasy, selfish move. But man, is it tempting especially if the foursome in front of you is slow.

You see, this is exactly what transpired…pretty much. We were on the ninth hole (par 5) and just teed off. My ball landed in the rough maybe 10-15 feet off the fairway. There is a foursome on the green and I’m some distance away. I pull out my trusty 3 wood and examine the shot. I discuss with Greg that I probably won’t make the green, but because there is a foursome there, the golf gods will give me the distance and accuracy I need.

So, I throw caution to the wind and proceed to hit, out of the rough, an ESPN Sportscenter, U.S. Open highlight, shot-of-the-day, golf shot. As soon as the ball was struck, I felt my stomach drop and everything turned slo-mo. FFFFFFFOOOOOORRRRRRREEEEE (but just like Ralphie in the movie a “Christmas Story”, I was really thinking the F— word)! The friggin’ ball landed directly in front of one of the guys as he’s putting…WTF!

Anyway, one of the guys starts yelling at us and waiving his arms in the air. I couldn’t really make out what he was saying (he was about 240 yards away) but I returned a “Sorry!” I honestly attempted to find them in the clubhouse afterwards to apologize in person, but it seems they had already teed-off on the 10th hole. Coincidentally, Greg parked right alongside the 10th fairway and as he was putting his clubs in his trunk, his car alarm inadvertently went off – right in the middle of that same guy’s back swing. We looked at each other: “Was that them?” Greg asked. “I think so.” I replied. Needless to say, we felt it best to leave before causing any further shenanigans.

I definitely DO NOT recommend hitting into group in front of you. Sometimes mistakes are made…on purpose…call me Lefty.

3 Reasons Public Golf Courses Get A Bad Rap

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Do all public/muni golf courses look like this?
Do all public/muni golf courses look like this? (photo by Greg D’Andrea)

In 1895, two great things happened to the game of golf: The pool cue was officially banned for use as a putter by the USGA; and the biggest city in the country established the first public course in America: Van Cortlandt Golf Course in the Bronx, NY.

Soon after opening, the course was suffering from all the stereotypical things we hear about public tracks today: “Poor playing conditions, unmanageable crowds, and a general lack of golf etiquette.” But within three years, the grounds were cleaned-up, playing rules were established, and the number of holes increased from 9 to 18. As a symbol of its longevity, the course is still open today – accepting tee-times from Wall Street bankers and sanitation engineers alike.

Unfortunately for golf though, the stereotypes of public courses still exist. The notion that if you play a daily fee or (God forbid) a municipal course, you’re in for bad grooming, waits on every tee, and worst of all: you’ve got to deal with the average slob who doesn’t know how to conduct himself like a gentleman.

Ah but the reality is much of this is exaggerated. Let’s examine each of these stereotypes in more depth…

Public Courses have Bad Grooming: I’ve played 18-hole, daily fee courses (both expensive and inexpensive alike) all over this country and have not found many in complete shambles. Sure, a few need some help, but these are by far in the minority. These days, increased knowledge in course architecture, seeding and sprinkler systems, and better grooming equipment have made it hard for public courses to fall into utter disarray. While it still happens on occasion – especially in tough economic times – the majority of public courses are lush and playable (especially the tee-boxes, fairways and greens). Don’t get me wrong, not many can compare to Augusta, but then not many private courses can either.

Public Courses have Long Waits on Every Tee: I’m not going to lie to you, there may be times when you will wait on every tee. While this is annoying, it is also rare and usually avoidable. The reality is there are some courses that will squeeze in too many groups in an effort to capitalize on profits. There are also some courses that fail to employ enough rangers to manage the slow pokes. But in either case, these courses are most likely repeat offenders and golfers usually know what to expect before even pulling into the parking lot. But the majority of public courses get it. They understand how to space foursomes out so backups don’t occur. They also understand how to manage a slow group holding others up. And most courses usually have a strict tee-time policy, which is a good thing – it ensures there’s not a backup on the first tee. While there still can be an occasional backup on one or two tees, backups on every hole are very infrequent.

Perhaps the real concern is how long it takes to play an 18-hole round on a public track? Well, let me ask you this: How long do you expect 18-holes to take? It seems to me my private club friends are always bragging about how quickly they can finish a round. “Oh, I finished 18 in 2.5 hours yesterday!” WTF? That’s not golf, that’s insanity. Where the hell is the joy in that? Look, four hours is normal. But on a public course, expect it to take five hours. You have to realize that people play golf for enjoyment – thus they are going to chat, have a dog and a beer at the turn, and lose a few balls here and there – and usually, these people are keeping up with the group in front of them! These days with how popular the sport has gotten, you can’t sweat-it if it takes five hours to finish a round on a public course – in fact, you should plan on it.

Public Courses Attract Golfers who Don’t Know Etiquette: It stinks that a small few can give public courses a bad rap. Truth is, all it takes is one golfer who is ignorant (or indifferent) to the etiquette-side of the game, and the hold-up begins. But again, this is usually the exception during a round, not the norm. Occasionally, (usually while on the same courses that allow on too many foursomes, I may add) you may get stuck behind a newbie who doesn’t know when to pick-up and move-on. You can decrease your chances of this happening by playing a course that has a strict tee-time policy (since many newbies and hacks are walk-ons who’ve decided last minute to dust-off the old clubs and play). And making an early tee-time is even better – when there are more serious players out on the course. But again, it’s extremely rare I get paired-up with someone who is clueless about etiquette – most public golfers know these unwritten rules quite well and play rather efficiently.

So it seems public golf courses have been given a bad rap. But the reality is the game of golf has changed. Regular Joe players are starting to see golf as relaxation rather than a competitive activity. Sure competitiveness is fun, but it’s more about spending time with their friends, away from their everyday lives. Five-hour rounds (e.g. a day at the course) are becoming the norm and veteran golfers are beginning to adjust to this.

Meanwhile, public courses already outnumber private clubs two-to-one and that ratio is growing due to this down economy – which means the bulk of golfers play on public tracks…which also means if so many of us are going to be playing this game, we need to take public golf courses for what they are for: Leisure, fun and enjoyment.

Will the Slow Golfers Please Get the Hell Out of the Way?

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slow play golf

Authors Note: While I realize I’m preaching to the choir by posting this to such an audience (e.g. the golf blogger-sphere), it’s my hope the message contained here will disseminate down to those informally teaching new golfers.

“Let’s go, while we’re young!” Said Al Czervik to Judge Smails on the first tee at Bushwood Country Club in the movie Caddyshack. Slow play on the golf course is such an obvious part of the game, it has become ingrained into Hollywood fiction. More recently, Larry David “murdered” a man on an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm because he was golfing too slowly. Alas, hazards on the golf course don’t stop at ponds and bunkers.

Golfers who have been playing the game for any length of time will tell tales of the inevitable slow group in front of them. In fact, I’d argue that we’re so prone to thinking the group we follow is slow, that it could be Tiger and Phil ahead of us and we’d still be ready to hit into them!

Typically, I’d say I’m pretty tolerant of a slow foursome (at least compared to my normal playing partners). But recently, we got stuck behind the slowest group I have ever seen in the 20-plus years I’ve been golfing! This group was just awful – especially one guy in particular, who we began calling “Red” (because he was wearing an equally awful red shirt).

For most of the round, the normal annoyances of playing behind a slow group were evident – you know, waiting at every tee and in every fairway; not staying loose – losing your rhythm and swing timing, etc.

But then something happened that set this experience apart from all other instances: At one point, as we were waiting on the 14th tee, Red drives back towards us in his cart. As he approached the tee, he asked us to step aside so he can re-hit because he couldn’t find his drive!

WTF?!

I once saw a sign on a course that read: “No one is offended by poor play; Everyone is offended by slow play.” Now, I understand Red was playing by the rules, but come on! If you aren’t in a tournament and you know there are people waiting behind you…Please, for the love of God, take-it-upon-yourself to bend the rules; pick up the pace; drop a ball; take an “X” on the hole and move on – or just let the group behind you play through!

But that was not the end of Red’s audacity. He promptly flubbed his second drive into the left woods and proceeded to spend about 5 minutes looking for his ball. Now up until this point, we had tolerated all of this nonsense for the mere fact we wanted to finish all 18-holes (for handicap purposes and the fact I like to finish what I start). But while Red was still searching for his ball – prolonging the inevitability of another re-tee, we drove past them and teed-off on 15 instead.

While I dislike incomplete rounds, slow play is just plain rude – especially when players clearly do not know the etiquette side of the game. Thus, I feel it necessary to implore of the choir – Is it too much to ask that we introduce new golfers to the etiquette-side of the game first, before we get into all of the rules? You’ve gotta crawl before you can walk – Initially, new golfers are going to stink regardless, so we mine-as-well teach them to be conscious of those behind them – rather than fussing over the explanation of every rule. Then, as they begin to understand what a good pace-of-play is on the course, they can learn more of the rules and begin taking the game more seriously.

Do You Play Golf By The Rules?

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Did you ever damage a club while you were out on the course? Of course you did. Did you continue to play with it? If it was anything less than snapped in half, then I’m sure many of you have. Well then, it’s a good thing you’re not on the tour. Because that’s exactly what once happened to PGA Tour pro Anthony Kim, and he was disqualified.

During a 2008 tournament, Anthony damaged the face of his club on a sprinkler head but continued to use the club for the next two holes. When he brought the damage to the attention of the officials, they promptly DQ’d him. Reason being is the club was damaged by something other than “normal” golf play – like he damaged it on purpose to gain an advantage.

Seriously, what advantage could he gain by damaging the club? I know the rules are the rules, I get that. But at some point, common sense has to be brought into the mix.

For a sport that should, for the most part, boil down to – hit the ball, walk to it, hit it again, repeat until the ball is in the hole – they sure do make it complicated. I mean, every sport needs it’s basic set of rules. And with golf, there are things to take into account that don’t come into play in other sports. Things such as water hazards, cart paths, sand traps and out-of-bounds…basically, places the ball can be lost. But I have to tell you, there is no sport that has more rules which can be described in one simple word – Stupid.

Have you ever taken the time to look through the USGA rule book? I for one have not…but I understand that many golfers have and some really take it seriously. Since I haven’t taken the time to look through the rules (and really have no intention of doing so), I’m just going by research and listening in on conversations. From what I understand, there are 34 basic rules to golf. But somehow these 34 rules turn into a 176 page book! After learning about and researching some oddball moments, I have to wonder if the people who write and amend these rules have ever played a sport. No wait, before that, I have to wonder if these people have a shred of common sense.

I think there are two problems that plague the USGA rules. I’ll give you my opinions and then some examples. Problem #1 – Most sports (NFL, NBA, MLB) have a rules committee that meets once a year to review anything questionable and take some type of immediate action. The USGA? Once every four years. Problem #2 – Golf is still living in the “gentleman’s game” and “honor system” dark ages. But the problems with that are: #1 – The game has changed over the years (in the Anthony Kim example, there were no sprinkler heads on courses in 1870). And #2 – some of the rules have evolved away from the “honor system” and the players are punished for it. Onto some examples and opinions.

Stewart Cink once hit a ball that landed on the edge of a fairway bunker (not in the bunker). When attempting to line up his next shot, he stepped into the bunker, out again, then promptly hit hit his ball into a green-side bunker. When his caddie raked the footprint in the bunker, Cink was DQ’d for “testing the surface of a hazard.” Why is this rule stupid? Because his first ball was not in the bunker at all! The ruling implies that he was “testing the surface” because he was attempting to hit his next shot into the green-side bunker! Why the hell would he do that?! Plus, if his caddie didn’t rake the trap, then where would he stand in the golf etiquette argument? Once again…common sense needs to enter into the mix somewhere.

Did you know that if you one-hand tap your ball into the hole, but are holding another club in your other hand, you should be hit with a two-stroke penalty? This is considered using two clubs. Why is this stupid? If I land a ball just off of the green, I will walk to the ball with both a wedge and my putter. If I chip the ball to within two inches, I will just carry both clubs over and save time by tapping in with one hand. We have all done it. But the rules would have me waste the time by placing the wedge down, line up the putt, then putt, then pick up my ball and wedge when done. This one is not bad, but it is an annoying rule which just causes wasted time.

Michelle Wie was once DQ’d after completion of her round because she failed to sign her scorecard before leaving the scoring area! Can you believe that?! A designated scoring area?! That has to be one of the single most asinine rules in ANY sport! The fact that all of these tournaments employ numerous officials and scorekeepers, and the player still has to keep their own score is ridiculous enough. But to have a designated scoring area? Is this a kindergarten class? Is that like a designated coloring book area? You sit in time-out if you talk in the designated napping area? Stupid.

Brandt Snedeker was once assessed a one-stroke penalty when he dropped his ball marker onto his ball, moving the ball in the process. OK, I sort of understand this one. But if he was to “accidentally” move the ball while he was placing his ball marker, that would be perfectly fine. What?! So he can move the ball while in the process of putting the marker down, but he accidentally drops the marker onto the ball and it’s a penalty? Come on people! Get with it already! Stupid.

Here’s a great one. If you have addressed your ball while it is on the green, and wind (or really anything besides your putter) moves the ball, then it’s a one-stroke penalty. However, if you have not yet addressed your ball, then it’s perfectly fine! A freak tornado can spring up and blow your ball right into the hole and it’s fine…as long as you haven’t addressed the ball yet. You laugh? Well I’m sure Padraig Harrington wasn’t laughing when it happened to him at The Masters. Here are those same two words again…common sense. Now the rule-makers are expecting the players to predict weather patterns! Like your caddie is going to say “Hold on! Don’t address that ball yet!! Don’t you know there is a 28 MPH gust of wind expected to hit this green in approximately three seconds!! Yup….here it is now…and there goes your ball.”

This one will answer an age old question/joke that happens on average once per foursome per round – If you knock your ball off of the tee while lining up your drive, there is no penalty. Just put the ball back on the tee and hit away. I wonder what happens if you don’t knock it off, but the wind does?

Did you know it is legal to hit a ball while it is moving in a stream?

Here’s another great one! Bart Bryant was once penalized two strokes for “allowing” playing partner Martin Laird to pat down the mark his ball left on the fringe. Laird however, was not penalized because the officials believed he was not trying to help Bryant. The worst parts of this are: #1 – Bryant simply answered “yes” to Laird’s question “Is this your line?” Bryant did not ask that it be repaired. Laird took it upon himself to do so. #2 – The repair did nothing to assist Bryant as he was still 50 feet from the flag, in the rough! Common Sense. Stupid.

I’m sure there are hundreds, even thousands, more examples. Feel free to share ’em if you’ve got ’em. These are just a few that caught my interest. As I mentioned earlier…common sense has to enter the picture at some point. I understand rules are rules and if you’re going to play a sport professionally, you have to know said rules. But bad or outdated rules have to be removed, changed, amended…whatever.

I can’t imagine any hack like me being this particular and this serious about the rules. I know I’m not. My buddies and I play by the basic rules, but all of this other nonsense is just that. If you want to take the rules that seriously, then go right ahead. But I will tell you, if I ever get stuck playing with someone who is this much of a stickler and they start calling me on some of these things, before the end of the round they’ll be walking funny and I’ll need a new umbrella.

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