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I’m Swingin’ In The Rain!

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wet and rainy golf
A rare rainy day appearance for Stinky Golfer Chris

OK, so it doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as “Singin’ in the rain,” but you get the picture. But as I look at the title now, I think to myself…nothing could be further from the truth.

I’ve mentioned before that I have certain weather conditions in which I will not play golf. One is when the temperature drops below 50 degrees. Also, when the temperature rises above 90 degrees, I’ll skip the round. Although I will consider playing in the excessive heat as long as I’m riding. But as Stinky Golfer Greg and I are making plans for our next round, I look at the weather forecast and see there’s a 60% chance of showers. But in my book, that’s equivalent to a 60% chance that I’m not playing.

I understand there are plenty of golfers who will play in any weather condition. There can be a hurricane blowing through and they’ll still be out there. But I’m not one of those guys, and I can’t understand the rationale behind it.

The funny thing is, I’ll go outside and play basketball in a light rain. I’ll throw the baseball around with the boys even if it’s drizzling a bit. As a matter of fact, I’ve even come to the point of argument to keep one of my softball games going in the rain! But when it comes to golf, forget it. I don’t want to play in any type of rain. I even start getting leery if there’s a chance of rain that day!

So what’s my problem? Why will I play basketball, baseball and softball in the rain…but not golf? The only reason I can come up with is…money.

See, all of those other sports cost me nothing to play. But golf? I have to drop a few hard-earned bucks every time I want to hit the links. So if I’m going to spend my money to play this game, then why wouldn’t I do it under optimal conditions if I have the choice?

Not to mention, the rain simply takes the fun out of the game. Trying to stay dry, dealing with an umbrella, wet hands and deteriorating course conditions all sound like a waste of money to me. It would probably be a different story if I was playing for free or being paid to play like a PGA Tour pro…but I’m not. As a matter of fact, it’s exactly the opposite – I’m paying them! I feel like I’m wasting the money that I could just spend another time, and I just can’t get past that feeling.

So as we get closer to our next day out on the course, I’ll keep a close eye on the weather and hope for the best. But as Stinky Golfer Greg already knows…I can’t make any promises.

Swing ’til you’re happy…and stay dry doing it!

Film Review: Scotland’s Caddies

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scotland_caddies_dvd_cover“It must be a great feeling when you’ve set your heart on coming to play golf in Scotland on one of these fantastic courses. You get on the first tee, you hit your drive, you hand that driver to your caddy and he’s off with your bag and you’re just walking up the fairway.” – From the documentary, Scotland’s Caddies

I’ve never been one to fantasize about playing golf in the birthplace of the game. No matter how many times I would read about the hollowed grounds of St. Andrews or the majesty of a links course carved out of a rugged coastline in the North Sea, I never really had the urge to play in Scotland.

Until, that is, I watched Scotland’s Caddies. This documentary (produced in 2010) has literally inspired me to plan a trip to the cradle of golf (at least at some point in my lifetime).

I now join the ranks of countless other golfers whose dreams are to play where Old Tom Morris chased around a ball stuffed with goose feathers. I dream of this not because I long to see the Scottish countryside, but because in Scotland, it seems, golf is still played the way it was intended to be played two-hundred years ago.

The film (which is just over an hour) follows the director’s (Ron Colby) journey across Scotland as he visits some of the country’s best-know links. But the focus is not on his golf game, but rather the caddies he encounters.

It seems caddies are a breed all their own – from their interesting origins to the present day loopers – all there to help you get the most out of your round. Listening to these guys talk about what it means to caddy – especially in Scotland – can inspire any golfer to start surfing Priceline.com for airfare and accommodations.

They’ve carried bags for presidents, celebrities and tour pros – and they have great stories to boot. They’ve also carried for hacks and average golfers of all nationalities – and can tell you who will tip the best based on the country they are from!

Scotland’s Caddies is a fascinating window into an otherwise unappreciated occupation. The film not only touches on the history of caddies, but provides their modern-day counterparts with a voice (albeit one with a heavy Scottish accent) to tell their story. This film is well-worth the hour on the couch.

As a special bonus, the good folks over at Scotland’s Caddies have shipped us a free copy of the DVD to giveaway to one lucky Golf Stinks reader! We’ll be choosing a winner at random from our Facebook page one week from today. So make sure you like our page and good luck!

The Quest to Play Every Golf Course in my State

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Stinky Golfer Greg in 2014; Trying to "keep it real" out on the course.
Stinky Golfer Greg (photo by Sonny Vega)

Every now and then, you reach a point in your life when you feel the need to accomplish something for you and only you. Things have a way of carrying on in the same manner; a routine sets in and before you know it, it’s been months, perhaps even years since you’ve done something truly unique.

For me, the year was 2003. By then, I had been playing golf for 14 years and I hadn’t gotten any better. It’s strange, actually; My golf game had gotten smarter – I learned to lay-up to the 150-marker so I could hit 8-iron into the green every time; I learned to hit a 5-wood off the tee to sacrifice distance for control; I learned to, well…I learned to play it safe.

I knew I couldn’t compete on any pro tour or even have a chance to win a local tournament. Yet I continued to suck all the fun out of golf by focusing only on that silly number written down with those silly little pencils. I knew something had to change – I needed to shift that focus from my score, to the game itself.

And that’s when I decided to embark on my quest: To play every 18-hole public course in the state of Connecticut. Now it may not have been the most adventuresome quest in golf (people that set-out to play the top 100 courses in the country, or even the world have got some time and money on their hands), but it wasn’t exactly something to sneeze at either (after all, The Constitution State had…at the time…66 golf courses meeting my criteria).

I quickly drew up a schedule for 2003 (and 2004, 2005, 2006 & 2007 to boot). Being married and working a full-time job, I knew this quest would take a few years. That being said, I settled on a schedule that would keep half my summer weekends free, while still enabling me to complete said quest within a reasonable amount of time – I would play roughly two rounds a month for seven months of the year (April – October) for five years.

Of course, no quest would be complete without people to experience it with. So I emailed the schedules to all my golfing buddies – hoping at least one of them would accompany me at every course (and that pretty much happened – at least one golf buddy played with me at each course along the way).

So I had this quest, and I had people to experience it with. But what about documenting it? Rather than keep a diary in the traditional sense, I decided to photograph and review every course I played. But as I reviewed them, I realized many of the course descriptions sounded similar on paper. So I began compiling a rating system based on a set of six criteria to help me distinguish between the courses (you can learn about those criteria HERE).

The more courses I played (and subsequently the more courses I rated and wrote about), the more I began to realize what makes a good golf course (at least in my opinion). This quest took me to the lushest of courses; where greens-fees greatly exceeded $100; where bag-boys loaded your clubs on the cart at the beginning of the round and cleaned them for you at the end of the round; where every blade of grass reminded you of Augusta. Yet the same quest took me to the shabbiest of courses; where chain-link fences protected tee-areas from errant shots; where driving range mats replaced worn-down tee-boxes; where the fairways were so dusty, you’d swear the carts ahead of you were part of Rommel’s tank battalion.

After completing my quest at the end of the 2007 season, it took two years for me to embark on my next adventure – contributing to this blog and helping to develop golfstinks.com. And this too benefited from my quest – a new feature you will be seeing very soon on this site is the ability to search and rate golf courses the golfstinks way (not-to-mention you can read all my ratings and reviews for those Connecticut courses too). But I’d have to say the real benefit was to me. I learned a bunch in those five years…mainly to forget about my score and just have fun playing the game I love.

So get out there and experience what golf has to offer. Drop a C-note on an awesome track once in a while; drive two hours to experience the latest Nicklaus or Jones design; get out there and forget about the rest of the world…Don’t worry, your home course will be waiting for you when you get back.

Golf Stinks: Los Golfistas Perezoso

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Ever have one of those days on the golf course?
The lazy golfers?

I’ve played golf pretty consistently over the last 20 years and to that end, I should be rather ashamed of myself thus far in 2011.

The truth is, I haven’t played once yet this year. Back when I was on my quest to play every public 18-hole golf course in my state (more on that in a future post), I would keep a schedule that began in early April and ended in late October.

It wasn’t that rigorous of a schedule (an 18-hole round every other weekend for seven straight months) but if I missed one, I would have to make it up the next month or I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night.

After my quest was completed, things started to become disorganized (or what most of you may consider “normal”). Gaps in my schedule would go unfilled, until the schedules disappeared completely two seasons ago (ironically the same year I began writing for this blog).

But in all my golfing years, I always found time to at least play once in April! Not this year. For God’s sake, Cinco de Mayo is tomorrow and I haven’t stepped one foot on a tee-box, fairway or green.

Anyway, I recently became seriously concerned about my laziness toward golf this season. When would I play? After all, I have commitments to uphold – namely to the folks that read this blog. Firstly, I promised I would begin applying some of the techniques I read in the book Golf Sense. And then there’s the fact that I probably should be playing the sport I write about.

I guess I can make excuses for my not playing yet. After all, life happens. There’s family and work and chores that take precedence. I have a 6-month old who I’m wanting to dedicate more and more of my time to…and then there’s the freaking yard. Mowing, trimming, weeding, planting – they don’t tell you when you buy a house that it’s the yard that will really do you in.

But I’m not the only one who hasn’t hit the links yet…

Nope – None of my fellow stinky golfers have played yet this year either. In fact, the only one of us that has done anything remotely outdoorsy was when Stinky Golfer Chris went fishing. You mine as well call us “The Lazy Golfers.”

But it’s not like the desire to play is gone. We’ve all been chomping at the bit to get out there for the last 6 months! We just haven’t. Hopefully I’ll get out there soon. But in the meantime, if anyone lives in or is traveling through Connecticut, please stop by and smack some sense into me – If I don’t get out there soon, I may actually forget how bad I am at this game.

10 Golf Etiquette Rules Most Jackasses Ignore

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Is using your phone poor golf etiquette out on the course? (photo by Greg D’Andrea)

I’ve been playing golf for over 20 years and am quite comfortable with the fact that I stink. And to be honest, I’m quite comfortable in the fact that most people I’m paired-up with also stink. I’ve always said: “You don’t have to be good at golf to love it or play it.” However, golf etiquette is another story completely and quite necessary on the golf course.

Anybody who was taught to play this game the right way knows what I’m talking about – those unspoken rules of golf that show respect to your fellow players. You know; don’t step in someone’s line; don’t put your bag on the green; don’t talk while someone is swinging; etc.

The aforementioned rules are classic and well-known. But there are other, less obvious etiquette laws that golfers ignore all the time. Below are 10 discourteous acts that many uncultivated types employ on a regular basis:

#10
Hitting on the Cart Girl
This has got to be the worst come-on ever. It’s right up there with hitting on the waitress. Look, everybody knows the MOFOBETE will probably be hot – that’s why she got the job in the first place. But we men inevitably regress into gawking Cro-Magnon’s and can’t help but treat these girls like they’re dancing on a pole instead of serving us a beer.

#9
Throwing your Clubs
I actually polled people about this in a post I wrote last year. Sure, it might be funny for the first time or two someone follows-up a wretched shot with a toss of the old club. But if that same person is constantly flinging the war sticks across the fairway, it can get annoying fast. You’ve heard the saying “there’s no crying in baseball?” Well, there should be no temper-tantrums in golf.

#8
Talking on your Cell Phone
There’s actually an entire site dedicated to cell phone behavior. In golf, unless you’re waiting at the turn, there’s no reason to be chatting-away while walking up the fairway. And I guarantee the conversation won’t end just because it’s someone’s turn to hit – nope…you’ll just talk softer (but not soft enough) and inevitably will end the call by saying “OK, Bye” really loudly. How about keeping the phone in your bag and on mute during the round?

#7
Texting During Someone’s Swing
I know you think you’re being discreet by texting instead of talking, but I can still see your stupid fingers going a mile a minute in my peripheral vision. Isn’t golf hard enough without multitasking? There’s no reason to: Tweet about every shot; upload course pics to your Facebook page; or checkin at the 5th hole on Foursquare. Please note the last sentence of #8.

#6
Swearing Profusely…at Yourself
It’s totally cool if you want to call yourself an “asshole” after a poor shot. I get it – you’re frustrated and you needed to express yourself – completely understandable. But don’t go running away with it. There’s absolutely no reason to carry on verbally abusing yourself over a slice you’ve had since the 10th grade. I mean, where is your self respect? Really, it’s embarrassing – for both you and your foursome.

#5
Playing from the Wrong Tee Box
You know that pit in your stomach you get while waiting on the first hole and watching the hackers ahead of you flub all their drives? Well, I can live with that feeling…unless they are teeing-off from the back tees. There is no greater frustration than this – getting behind a bunch of clowns teeing off from the tips when it’s obvious they should be playing from the forward tees. I’ve actually dedicated an entire post to this last year and it’s perhaps one of my biggest golf-peeves. If you learn anything from this list, learn which tee-box you belong on.

#4
Excessive Use of Your GPS
Some people question if high-handicappers should own a GPS in the first place, but I’m not one of them – Even golfers who are trying to break 100 are going to benefit from knowing the exact yardage to the pin. But there comes a time when enough is enough. If you’re truly unsure what your distance is on your approach, by all means break-out the GPS. But using it just for the fun of it on every shot is no fun for the rest of your group (or the group behind you for that matter).

#3
Driving the Cart Like a Drunken Idiot
A good number of golfers feel like a golf cart is their own personal ATV…and most of the time alcohol is the reason for their reckless abandon. Perhaps this is why around 1,000 Americans a month are injured in golf cart accidents. Something rather juvenile overcomes people when they get behind that Plexiglas windshield. But remember – they’re there as caddies, not as bumper cars.

#2
Giving Swing Advice When No One Asks for It
Who are these people and where do they come from? Every time I mention this to a fellow golfer, they agree with me: “Oh I hate that too!” But some of them must be hypocrites, because there are way too many people out on the course giving swing advice who are not qualified to do so. If you’re an impromptu advice giver and are not a PGA-certified pro, please take this subtle hint: YOU’RE NOT FREAKING HELPING – YOU’RE JUST BEING AN ANNOYING PRICK!

#1
Talking about How Great you Usually Play
We all know this person: “Boy, I can’t believe I just got another triple-bogey…Normally I break 80 at this course.” I wanna scream at the top of my lungs; “What are you, an idiot?! We both know that’s absolute bollocks!” You shouldn’t even be allowed on the golf course if you’re this guy. Seriously, I should be able to call in your ridiculousness along with my order on the 9th-tee. Then when we make the turn, a couple of rangers escort you to the parking lot, confiscate your clubs and send you home with a certified “never play golf again” card.

Well, now that that’s off my chest, it’s time for me to get out my cell phone, have a few beers, jump in a golf cart and dive like a maniac down the par 5, 11th while shouting-out swing advice to anyone within ear-shot. Happy golfing.

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