GolfStinks

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Planning My Golf Season…I Mean Wedding.

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groom golfWhy didn’t anybody warn me that planning a wedding would seriously cut into my golf game? I expected the whole planning thing to be a little hectic and stressful but WTF! I used to be able to grab my clubs and sneak out for a quick 9 or set up a tee time on the weekend with the guys for 18. Oh, how things have changed.

For example, I had to forego a round this past Saturday because of…get this…cake tasting. Friggin’ cake tasting! Not only was I a little bummed out because I couldn’t golf but the cake wasn’t even good. It chaps my behind to think I missed a golf outing to go taste some tawdry cake. Wonderful. You see the sacrifices I make…?

Speaking of sacrifices, any extra money I would set aside for my golf fund has been redirected to the wedding fund. Again, wonderful. I know once this is over and everything gets back to normal I can hopefully get back to hacking up the ol’ track however, I do have some concerns. Not to sound greedy but with all this cash we’re shelling out for the wedding I’m hoping we at least break even on the deal.

According to a reliable source (the internet), the average wedding costs between $25,000 and $30,000. Do you know how many rounds that equates to? A crap load! Man, the stuff we do for love. I guess it’s time to grow up a little and enjoy this time of my life. Hey, soon enough and God willing I’ll be able to hit the links with my kid. Wow, the whole thought of showing my son or daughter how to golf just gave me goose bumps. Ok, this wedding thing ain’t so bad… 🙂

Hit’em long…yell FORE!!!

Golf & Marriage.

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GolfCake_1As I prepare to take the plunge, I’ve noticed how marriage and golf share some similarities. Not only that, there is also a love-hate relationship too…I love it, she hates it. This contrast is good though, it allows the emotions to surface.

Speaking to a couple of older married golfers, they pointed out how selecting golf clubs is like selecting your spouse. First, it will catch your eye then the flirting process begins. You look at it a little closer maybe caress it gently and finally, you fall in love and end up together.

Now, I purposely left out one part that these married golfers I spoke to also had mentioned would have been great in the courting stages. One  said, “Before you buy clubs you get a chance to try them out first…you know what I mean?” Interesting point. I’m sure that would require a rather delicate approach, nonetheless point taken.

I mentioned to my spouse-to-be, the part about trying out the clubs first and to my surprise she was accepting. She said “No problem, I’ll start…the attic needs to be cleaned and reinsulated. The basement needs to be refinished. That enchanted forest you call a garage needs to be organized. Looks like we could use a new roof while you’re at it…and when you’re done you can try out the golf clubs.”

Mars and Venus, man…Mars and Venus.

Hit’em long…yell FORE!!!

How to Leverage Your “Honey Do” List for Golf

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Go about your to-do list the right way and you could play golf too!

It’s that time of year again! The days are getting longer; the flowers are blooming; and the temps are rising! You know what that means!

  • The garage needs cleaning
  • The attic needs organizing
  • The lawn needs mowing
  • The garden needs weeding
  • The steps need fixing
  • The fence needs mending
  • The shutters need painting

Yep, springtime isn’t only about golf – that “honey do” list has been growing since last fall. It’s a rather cruel twist of fate that we’ve been pent-up for the last several months, chomping at the bit to get out on the links and once we are able to; the rest of our life also realizes winter break is over too.

If you own a home and play golf, you know what I’m talking about. If you’re married; own a home; play golf; and your spouse doesn’t: You really know what I’m talking about.

If you live in a climate where golf is forced to have an off-season, you know the anticipation building up all winter long. In fact, the only thing on your mind in mid-January is probably golf. We go to the indoor range, but it’s not the same. Nope – nothing beats that first warm day out on a real course.

So come Spring, the first thing on your to-do list is put the clubs in the trunk and get out on the links. Unfortunately, golf isn’t the first thing on your spouse’s list. There are a plethora of other chores on that list that I can assure you haven’t been thinking about. Thus, frustration ensues.

The problem with frustration is it inevitably turns into a fight. And when you’re married, you can fight over anything – especially if it’s something stupid (like organizing the attic).

But it’s possible to avoid the fight and still get to play golf. It’s simple: You use the to-do list as leverage to go play golf. Now don’t get me wrong – I don’t want you to barter for golf with chores. I want you to go about this wisely while keeping your spouse none-the-wiser.

The key is to accept the fact that you have things to do around the house and start on them right away. Be very transparent about the whole thing – for example, post the to-do list on the fridge and cross things off as you accomplish them. Do not, I repeat, do not rush out to the course and promise to finish everything when you get back (we both know that will never happen anyway). Instead, you must sacrifice golf now, to play more golf later.

On the first beautiful Saturday this Spring, don’t head to the course. You’re going to mention that your golfing buddies wanted you to play 18, but instead, you are going to wake up early and get going on that fence (or the garage, or whatever). Work hard at accomplishing this – spend all day if you have to. On Sunday, work on the attic – again, spend all day if necessary.

With two big tasks crossed off the list, gently remind your spouse during the week about how hard you worked on them and how great the garage, fence or attic looks now. Around Wednesday or Thursday, mention that your golfing buddies want to play 18 again this coming Saturday, but you’ll have to think about it since the shutters need painting.

Now here’s where you really get to know who you’re married to. A good spouse should say something like: “Oh don’t worry about it. You missed playing last week and worked so hard on the house, you should leave the shutters for next weekend and go play.” Then you’re in like Flynn. You know you’ll be able to play golf every other weekend as long as you spend some time being productive on the home front (and the tasks go faster if there’s incentive to play golf the following weekend).

Of course, if your spouse is a slave driver and takes issue with you playing any golf before the honey do list is completed, then you should suggest a compromise – you work on the list one weekend and play golf the next (which is the same result as above, except you didn’t have to negotiate anything there).

But if they’re adamant that you complete the list before golf can begin, then you may have to bite the bullet and get working. Or, you can always start looking for divorce lawyers and try a singles golfer network. As the old joke goes: “My wife said if I don’t quit golf, she’s going to divorce me…God I’m going to miss her.”

Stinky Golfer Greg has been married for 10 years and owns a home. Of course, in no way, shape or form does this make him qualified to be giving marital advice. As such, his views and opinions do not necessarily reflect those of GolfStinks.com – unless your significant other won’t let you play golf at all…in which case we say divorce is probably inevitable.

Golf and A Wife: A Tale of Three Women In One (Part 1)

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todo-list-297195_640Is your wife the type who hates when you head out for a day of golf with your buddies? Maybe she’s the type who doesn’t mind when you golf and, often times, is happy to see you get the hell out of the house? Or…is she the type who would like nothing more than to head to the course with you? If you can narrow it down, then lucky you. My situation is a little different. Depending upon the day, and I’m still working on how exactly to read it, my wife could be any one of those three!

It’s amazing to meet a person who can look at an activity such as golf and, all in the same thought, think “It’s a boring, pointless and stupid sport. You should go play today. Can I go with you?” What the hell?! So in this ball of confusion, today we’re going to explore wife #1 – The wife who hates when I golf.

Did you ever notice there is always something to do? Did you ever notice there is just not enough time in the day? Did you ever notice that, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t finish the things that need to be done and there’s always more to do tomorrow? Don’t be fooled. None of this is true. The reason you feel this way is because of your wife! She makes things up and tricks you into believing you are too busy to go golfing! Don’t fall for it! It’s a trap! There is always tomorrow to get things done. And if tomorrow never comes, then what did it matter if the garage was cleaned anyway?

Maybe your wife uses the “we don’t spend enough time together” excuse when you want to disappear for an entire Saturday. I don’t get it. I just spent the past, physician-recommended, eight hours right next to her! As a matter of fact, I’ve done that almost every night for the past few years! But she doesn’t think this meets the criteria to be considered “quality time.” But somehow, wandering the halls of the local mall with the other zombies and their wives does. You wanna explain that? You can’t, can you? Well enough trying to explain, it’s time to act.

The next time your wife wants to get her hair or nails done, remind her that she wanted to rearrange the bedroom or living room furniture and today would be the perfect day to get that done. When you finish that up, mention the kitchen that she was so anxious to get painted. I would be willing to bet those things could be put on hold now.

As far as the quality time thing goes…I’m all for spending quality time with the wife. It’s of vital importance to your marriage. So when she mentions it, you should appease her. Get on the computer, purchase some tickets to the game (any game really – baseball, football, basketball, hockey…) and take her along. Explain to her this is something you would normally do with your friends, but you’re having a much better time with her and look forward to doing it again next Saturday! The teams logo painted from your chest down to your gut which is jiggling while you wildly wave your shirt over your head is a nice touch. She should get the point.

I figure there are two ways this can go for you:

#1 – She gets the picture and you can golf often enough to keep you satisfied. Don’t push it though or you may end up with…
#2 – She is so infuriated with your lack of compassion for her needs and she wants a divorce. 99% of the time, divorce is bad. I do not endorse divorce.

However, and you didn’t hear this from me, it will free up your Saturdays.

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