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Walk or Ride; Which Game of Golf do you Play?

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Are golf carts for the less-serious golfer? (photo by Dan Perry / CC BY 2.0)
Are golf carts for the less-serious golfer? (photo by Dan Perry / CC BY 2.0)

Before you tee-off on the first hole; heck, before you even fork-over your hard-earned money in the pro shop; you have to decide the answer to a simple question: Am I going to walk or ride? Until recently, I never thought this could mean playing two different games.

For many, this question is easily answered. On the one hand, you have the walkers; these people either want some exercise or they are traditionalists who feel walking is the way golf was intended to be played (or both).

On the other hand, you have the riders (not counting when a course has a mandatory cart rule), who are usually lumped into two groups: people who physically need to take a cart, and those who just don’t take the game of golf too seriously.

Think about that second group for a moment…

Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with someone wanting to ride around the course just having fun. In fact, it seems golf would lose a ton of business if it weren’t for people wanting to do that. But many times this leads to behavior on the course that serious golfers consider unacceptable…But that’s because we’re playing two different games!

Not long ago, I asked if you drink while you golf. Most people say they don’t drink during the round. But really, there’s this notion that some rounds are for serious play and other rounds are just for drinking and fun. Maybe I’m a few fries short of a Happy Meal, but this never even occurred to me before – that these are two different games we’re talking about here; one walking, not drinking and playing the game seriously; and the other riding, drinking and just out there smacking balls every which way while you spend time with your buddies. See? Two different reasons for being out on the course.

Consider this: Our pals over at Of Course posed the “walk or ride” question the other day on their Facebook page and received some interesting responses; things like “I ride because how else am I suppose to carry a case of beer around on the course?” And other gems like “Golf is the only sport that allows drinking and driving” and “when I want to play serious, I walk.” That last comment suggests sometimes people play rounds seriously, while other times they’re out there just to drink and have fun – in which case they take a cart. In fact, the majority of those commenting rode simply because they wanted to use the cart as a portable keg.

Now I understand the fellas over at Of Course appeal to a certain demographic, but this “two different games” notion seems to be a reality in golf – it’s no wonder those playing one game don’t get along with those playing the other…albeit one group is usually breaking a plethora of etiquette rules. Angrily we think: “Hey, we’re all out here trying to play golf, right?” Ah, see now that’s where we’ve been wrong.

Fore & Cheers! Do You Drink & Golf?

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Do you buy beer from the MOFOBETE? (photo by Dan Perry / CC BY 2.0)

I’ve posted about drinking on the course before – mainly about the antics that ensue from the combination of a good buzz and a golf cart.

But drinking and golf go back long before the golf cart was invented. Think about that for a second – the Scots invented the game – what are the odds old Tom Morris kept a flask wedged between his mashie and spoon?

I know that many who belong to the Tennis Shoe Crowd strap a cooler of beer to the cart simply because they don’t know what else to do on a golf course. But what about those of us that play more frequently?

Here’s where I’m a bit confused. I like beer. I have a couple drafts in the 19th hole after nearly every round. But I never drink on the course. What makes this strange is that I’ll smoke a nice Connecticut-wrapped, Honduran cigar on the course, but rarely do I puff a Churchill when I’m not on the links. What gives?

What’s more, golf seems to encourage drinking. OK, I’m not saying golf will drive you to drink – I mean, it may…but what I’m saying is you play in a tournament and there’s alcohol everywhere. There’s beer before and after the round; the MOFOBETE has beer; and organizers may even bring in scantaly-clad ladies to set-up cocktail booths at different holes (those girls are trouble by the way – and no Honey, I never talk to them…I don’t even look at them)…

Anyway, all this has me pondering why I don’t drink on the course. And I guess my answer is this: I care too much about my game to impair it with alcohol – be it one beer or ten.

Wow. Sorry, I didnt realize how much that last statement makes me sound like a complete jackass. You see, I stink at golf. I don’t even have an outside shot at winning a local tourney, let alone a professional one. But the truth is, I take golf too serioulsy to drink while playing it. Am I alone?

10 Surefire Signs You’re in for a Long Afternoon on the Golf Course

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Ever have one of those days on the golf course?
Ever have one of those days on the golf course?

I started playing golf at the age of 14. In the ensuing 20+ years, I (like many) have developed the ability to accurately gauge golfers just by looking at them.

Now don’t get me wrong – you can’t always judge a book by its cover, but any of the signs below usually mean I’m in for a long (and somewhat interesting) afternoon on the links – and all this can be ascertained BEFORE you actually tee-off on the first hole. Let’s take a look at some easy observations:

1. They carry a ball retriever
There it is, sticking out of the golf bag like a sore thumb. Whether it’s used to fish-out their own errant shot or the errant shot of somebody else, it’s going to come out of the bag and the rest of us are going to have to wait. “But I can get it, I see it right there…” This is golf, not fishing…drop a ball and move on.

2. They’re bringing more than one ball up to the tee
You know these people – they will load their pockets with golf balls before stepping up to each tee, figuring they will probably take at least one (maybe two or three) Mulligans. You know, it’s a good mental strategy to leave the extra ball in your bag. Oh well, hopefully they’re only playing nine.

3. They’re a member of the “Tennis Shoe Crowd”
They say you have to have patience to play golf. I think it’s for when you are paired with a member of the Tennis Shoe Crowd. Usually sporting a wife-beater, cut-offs and tennis shoes – these people play golf once, maybe twice in a decade. If you get paired with them, I guess it’s your lucky day!

4. There’s beer in the cart basket
This could be trouble – especially if it’s a cooler full of beer…double-trouble if there’s 5 or 6 cans already empty. Don’t get me wrong, I love beer. But the cart isn’t a portable keg and the ensuing lawsuits stemming from a golf cart packed with alcohol are endless…

5. They’ve got golf gloves on both hands
Tom, our co-founder here at Golfstinks, wears two gloves constantly on the course – even to putt (see figure 1). Tom’s a great guy and we’ve been friends for years, but I just don’t get the two gloves thing – it’s just strange…and typically so is anyone else you may encounter wearing two golf gloves. On a side note, Tom also carried a ball retriever in his bag until a few years ago…

6. They’re playing range balls
This should be an obvious tip-off you’re in for an interesting round…and was actually witnessed by me on the first-tee one time (hard not to notice the double stripes painted on the ball). Sometimes you just have to shake your head in amazement.

7. If duct tape is holding any of their club-heads on
Another obvious sign of trouble. Stinky Golfer Pete has witnessed this first-hand. In fear for his life, he literally hid behind the cart every time the person tee-off.

8. If they take more than 3 practice swings
There’s no reason for this at all – that’s why there’s a driving range. One or two swings is common. Three swings is pushing it. More than three? Settle in – it’s going to be a long day.

9. If they’re bragging about how good they are
This makes me stop in my tracks – I’m almost hesitant to shake the guy’s hand. We haven’t even teed-off and he’s already letting the rest of us know about the 78 he shot last time out. Inevitably, this person will double-bogey the first hole and then proceed to hack-up the rest of the course (reminding us the whole time by constantly saying: “I’m really off my game today”).

And finally…
10. They’re teaching another member of the foursome how to grip a club
If you see this (or see them teaching someone how to swing, stand, put the tee in the ground, etc.), you seriously need to reconsider how much you really want to play that day.

So the next time you’re paired-up with someone, be observant and prepare mentally. And if you know of any other pre-round signs out there – help us all out by leaving a comment.

A Few Golf Items Not Under My Tree

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Is it just me, or is there always a person or company that just pushes things a bit too far in this capitalist economy? Example: There’s been no greater invention in recent memory than the push-up bra. But remember the $2 million, diamond-encrusted creation from a few years back? That’s what I’m talking about. What’s the point? Who is wearing it and why? Is the $40 push-up from Victoria’s Secret not good enough? I know it is for me.

Well, it seems this mind-set extends into the golf world also. Apparently renting a golf cart at the course is not good enough for some. Maybe dropping $2,000-$3,000 on your own personal cart is not quite enough either. No, some people are just not satisfied until they are cruising the fairways in this:

That’s right. A Hummer Golf Cart with a body kit officially licensed by General Motors. There’s a lift kit, embroidered-leather seats, aluminum rims, wood grain dash, working headlights and turn signals and even a cooler built into the hood. Price: $20,000.

Maybe you prefer to walk the course though. As nice as the above cart may be, you think you get a better feel for the course by walking it. But if you’re going to walk that rough golf course terrain, you certainly can’t do it in some $350 Nike’s. And for one reason or another even the $400 Ecco’s just aren’t comfortable enough. You need something that is custom built for your foot and your foot alone. Enter John Lobb:

John Lobb Bootmakers will be more than happy to hand-make you this fantastic pair of golf shoes in your choice of calf, crocodile or elephant leathers, for the bargain basement price of only $5,000. Now I’m all for a pair of comfortable shoes, but for that kind of money I had better be able to wear these as everyday shoes and just speak the words “Go, go gadget golf spikes” whenever I’m ready to hit the course. Until then, I’ll stick with my Foot-Joy’s. On the flip-side though, if they’re good enough for James Bond….

What about your clubs? Are those shiny new $1,500 Callaway’s not enough to boost your ego or impress your playing partners? Then you may be in need of these:

Honma Golf of Japan will custom make one amazing set of clubs for you. And when I say custom, I’m talking custom like no other. You can choose the head shape, size, weight, grip and shaft. In addition you can also decide just how much 24k gold plating you would like. Would you like some platinum detail? Just ask and it’s yours. They would even be happy to engrave your initials on each club. Price on these masterpieces? Roughly $53,000 for a set of fourteen clubs.

A set of clubs like that surely cannot be carried in just any bag, right? Well, that’s where French fashion house Louis Vuitton comes in. LV dips their toes into the golf market with this:

Presenting the LV Damier Geant golf bag. It’s made of canvas and cowhide, comes with a zip-up hood, it’s own cover and even an umbrella. Louie V. also promises “many pockets.” For a starting price of $9,750, I’d have to say I was hoping for more. Do canvas and cowhide make this bag worth $9,630 more than my TaylorMade bag? Well I guess since it comes with it’s own umbrella….

All of the above accesories, as ridiculous as they may be, are trumped by the following. Ladies and Gentlemen, ladies especially, feast your eyes on this:


Thanks to Tri Mark Golf we are all now blessed with the worlds most expensive golf ball marker. This 18k white gold piece is marked with diamonds, citrine, amethyst and peridot stones. Sound a bit too nice to simply lay down on the ground? Don’t worry…it doubles as a necklace. Price: $10,000. And I was floored when I saw custom ball markers for $25!

Last, but certainly not least, is somewhere to use all of these fine accesories. Well, keeping with the theme of things, how about the worlds most expensive round of golf? For that, we’ll have to head to Barbados, home of Sandy Lane Spa & Resort.

Sandy Lane is home to three Tom Fazio courses, including the famous Green Monkey. At $385 per round, the course is certainly not the most expensive, but the fees are only part of the story. You see, Green Monkey is open only to guests of the resort. Minimum price for one room for one night? $2,000. Total for one round of golf at Green Monkey – $2,385!

I guess even in these poor economic times, there is still money to be spent foolishly. A $10,000 ball marker? My ball marker comes in denominations of one cent, five cents, ten cents and twenty-five cents – depending upon which coin I pull out of my pocket first. But hey, if you have this kind of money and it’s no problem for you to spend it, then enjoy. I don’t know that feeling and I’m quite sure I may never know it. But something tells me if I did, I could still find better things to do with $20,000 than spend it on a Hummer golf cart.

Well…., maybe not.

The Golfstinks, Man I Suck And Couldn’t Give A Fat Baby’s Ass, Golf Course Challenge (Part 2)

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GreattrainrobberyWARNING: Again…The following challenges are intended for reading entertainment purposes and not to be performed. Unless you are a total moron or just curious like me.

Here we go once more with another thrilling and action packed set of challenges for you to enjoy when your spirits are low and your score is high. Behold, a great chance to lift your head out of that cloud of four letter words that include mothers and other profanities that would put you on the bottom of Santa’s naughty list. (PS: I’m starting with #4 cuz numbers 1-3 are already taken – You can check it out HERE).

Challenge #4: Beer Cart Heist

Yessiree Bob, just like the title says, jack a beer cart from the MOFOBETE for your round. Accomplish this and consider yourself a motherf-in’ hero! Actually, more of a jackass than hero but, the story would surely get funnier through the years. I guess there is more than one way to approach this challenge. I opt for the Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid robbing a train on horse back method. Although, the “hey your back tire is flat” routine always stirs up a good chuckle. DIMT speaking like a pirate while performing this feat adds greater comical value? Well then shiver me timbers you scallywag you.

Justification: hmmm… free beer?

Challenge #5: Golf Terminologizing

Alright, here we have a personal favorite. I like to play with strangers and create words that could be actual golf terms, or at least use made up words and if questioned on the validity of the word reply with either “Wow, these silk boxers feel great!!” or “Ooh, that sure is warm on the leg” and walk away.

Here are some examples:

1.I sliced because my wrists never rondulated.

2.The break in the green seems to extrapify to the left.

3.These terrociuos winds could shorten Daly’s drive by fifty yards.

These are some plain examples but you get the point. Hey, where’s the challenge if I give you the good ones. Use your brain for once and stop reading this crap!

Justification: Pure S n’ G.

Challenge #6 Prison Rules Golf

This requires making one in the foursome (obviously not you) your personal servant, or as those residing at Sing Sing prefer to call this act: Making you my bitch. For example, upon completion of a hole you proceed to the cart and declare to your servant: “Yo bitch, you better put that flag in the cup and grabs my ball before I shank you!” DIMT a “bitch” can be traded to another golfer for ten cigarettes?** NOTE: Exchange rate to USD is not readily available nor do I care to find out.

Justification: No real justification.

**We here at golfstinks.com do not promote using tobacco products as currency. We loves us some cold hard cash! So donations would be splendid…

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