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A Holiday Gift Guide for the Average Golfer

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Stinky Golfer Chris on the golf course (photo by Greg D'Andrea)
Your average golfer will love these gifts! (Photo by Greg D’Andrea)

Need to shop for a golfer this holiday season? Well, don’t waste your money on golf clubs, apparel or even golf balls. These items can be pricey and besides, most golfers are very particular about their golf equipment and clothing choices. Plus non-golfers have a hard-enough time deciphering between a putter and a driver, let alone a Pro V1 and a Top Flite. Our two-cents is to just steer-clear.

Game-improvement items are also not a good idea. Swing gadgets and gizmos will only increase the average hack’s frustration out on the links, causing them to rue the day they received your gift.

So, what should you do?

Well, we here at GolfStinks suggest you buy things to help them relax instead. Allow them to appreciate the golf lifestyle they love and forget about their wretched play during the season. And with that in mind, we’d like to present a more realistic golf gift guide…

  1. LIQUOR
    Golf and the hard stuff go together like bacon and eggs. Nothing will let ’em forget about that bulging handicap like Scotch whiskey (or bourbon, or rum, or…). Flaviar is our go-to for home liquor delivery. Gift your golfer a year’s worth of tasting boxes (see HERE) and watch their mood increase exponentially as soon as that first bundle of joy hits the doorstep! Flaviar does it right – each box arrives handsomely packaged with a flavor-tone card and tasting instructions. A GolfStinks team favorite – you can gift your membership HERE.

    tastingboxflaviar
    Flaviar.com/sample-tastingset
  2. SMOKES
    If golf and liquor go awesome together, then golf and cigars aren’t far behind. And since Flaviar is already providing the libations, Famous Smoke Shop can help you match your spirit with a cigar. Their Cigar Pairing Guide (see HERE) needs answers to just three questions before suggesting a perfect cigar/drink pairing.  And yes, it works with beer too. Your golfer’s swing might not be getting any better, but their sophistication-level sure will be!

    https://www.famous-smoke.com/cigar-pairing
    Famous-smoke.com/cigar-pairing
  3. BOOKS
    Forget about books teaching swing technique or how to stay “in the zone” – those will leave your golfer feeling more confused and frustrated than ever. Instead, we here at GolfStinks recommend the following two books:

    • How to Quit Golf; A 12-Step Program
      From the GolfStinks review: “How to Quit Golf is a wonderfully hilarious and disturbingly accurate critical analysis of both golf and golfers – especially those who take the game too seriously. And while some of the imagery contained in the book is slightly exaggerated (purposely and for effect), it is nonetheless one of the most well-constructed and unabashedly genuine compositions about the realities of being a golfer.” (See our full review HERE and purchase it on Amazon.com).

      How to Quit Golf
      How to Quit Golf
    • Psych-Out Golf
      From the GolfStinks review: “[The Authors] have brilliantly put together countless ways to get the best of your opponent on the links – from making subtle yet mentally debilitating statements to getting them a bit tipsy, Psych-Out Golf is packed with ways to win a hole or round without actually playing well yourself!” (See our full review HERE and purchase it on lulu.com).

      Psychoutgolf.com/
      Psychoutgolf.com
  4. THERAPY
    Trust us, every golfer needs some sort of therapy. We play (and enjoy) an excruciatingly frustrating game that is mastered by only a very small group of elite players. But your run-of-the-mill shrink isn’t going to help here – what you need to get the golfer in your life is a membership to the GolfStinks Newsletter (subscribe HERE)! Our #enjoygolf ethos helps take the frustration out of the game and it’s far cheaper than a visit to the psychiatrist (it’s free). Why not give the gift that reminds them why they love this game in the first place?! (See below to print, cut and present to your golfer).

Cut along line and present to your golfer!So when considering a gift for the weekend golf hack in your life this holiday season, remember: Relaxation over frustration!

What Makes a Good 19th Hole?

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19th Hole bar
What does your course’s 19th hole look like? (photo by Rama / CC BY-SA 2.0 FR)

I’ve played hundreds of different golf courses over the years. Some of them nice, others not so much. Some of them famous, others just local munis. And yet despite the vast differences in layout and scenery (or lack thereof), these courses all have the ability to cheer you up after a poor round; provide the backdrop for you to celebrate an ace; or just continue the camaraderie indoors after your round is over.

I’m talking about, of course, that after-round watering hole…where finding the drink doesn’t involve a lost ball or two-stroke penalty: The 19th Hole. But just like the golf courses they’re attached to, not all 19th holes are created equal. Golfers want a place where there’s good beer on tap; decent bar fare; and sports (especially golf) on television.

But what makes a good 19th hole? Well, I’d say the first step is to actually have one, which believe it or not, a couple courses I’ve played failed to do. One place was actually a pretty nice 18-hole course, so I was quite surprised to find the only refreshments on premises were contained in two vending machines in the pro shop. A golf course stands to make a good amount of dough from a 19th hole, so not having one is somewhat of a poor business decision. So for all the courses out there that actually do have a 19th hole, let’s discuss what makes a good one…

Drinks

Let’s talk about beer first. Courses should have a good selection on tap. After all, the 19th hole is first and foremost a bar. And while there are still many folks who love nothing more than to drain a bottle of domestic libation, increasingly people in general (golfers included) are wanting a good selection of imported or craft brew on tap. In this, many 19th holes, at least here in the U.S., fall short.

What about spirits? Again, this is a bar and someone back there needs to know how to mix a drink – especially the classics. Golf is a classic and somewhat sophisticated game – and maybe just sometimes, we golfers need to be treated as sophisticated folks. And while I’m at it, a modest selection of cigars would be a good idea too – even if we have to puff them out on the patio – which leads me to…

Ambiance

A patio is definitely a plus – preferably looking over the 18th green so you can heckle your pals putting-out in the group behind you. But with or without a patio, ambiance is kind of important. Golfers like to relax in a little bit of class. Too many 19th holes look like a crappy diner inside. This may not bother everyone but to me, you should put as much thought and care into the bar as you do the fairways and greens. A nice-looking 19th hole will bring in more patrons and keep them there longer.

Food

Some 19th holes try and do too much. That’s fine if you can pull it off, but most of the time a simple tavern menu will do: A high-quality burger; tuna and/or turkey club sandwiches; a salad option; and then some appetizer-type selections (wings, cheese fries, nachos, etc.). And when golfers are sitting at the bar, have some stuff for them to snack on – the classic bar mix is great but even just pretzels will work. Folks like to munch on something when they drink – and they drink more when they eat a salty snack.

Friendliness (of both the staff and patrons)

Too many courses treat their 19th hole as an afterthought and as a result the staff does too…sadly, poor service is commonplace. But many times the staff isn’t the only problem – the regular patrons are sometimes snooty cliques that don’t like unfamiliar faces drinking their beer. Perhaps nothing feels more uncomfortable than walking into a bar where everyone looks at you like you don’t belong. Golf courses need to welcome folks to their 19th hole with open arms. Hell, all courses should advertise their 19th hole on the 17th and 18th tee-boxes.

Done right, a19th hole can be a successful bar that adds profits to a golf course. And it should offer the drinks; menu; ambiance; and hospitality people look to immerse themselves in after a round of golf. My perfect 19th hole experience would be sitting out on a patio watching golfers finishing-out on the 18th; drinking a Belgian wheat; chowing a juicy grass-fed burger on an artesian roll; and capping-it-all-off with a nice robusto cigar. But that’s just me.

How about you?

Chip Shots: Contest Alert – Win a Trip to Augusta!

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Have a photo of you and your buddies playing golf together? Then you could be on your way to Augusta next year!

It’s all part of Macanudo.com’s Ultimate Round Contest. They’re sending a lucky winner to “see the game’s greatest players in golf’s premier event!” Just follow the link above to enter and win!

You Carry WHAT in your Golf Bag?

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430px-Roll_of_toilet_paper_with_one_sheet_folded_down_in_front
Where do you fit TP in your golf bag?

Several years ago, I was in the middle of hacking up a course on a hot and humid day with a few of my golfing buddies. We’re standing on a secluded tee-box somewhere on the back nine, when one of my pals announces he’ll be right back.

He walks over to his golf bag, unzips one of the pockets, reaches in and pulls out [I kid you not] a roll of toilet paper. A few seconds pass as the rest of us stand there somewhat bewildered.

Finally, Stinky Golfer Chris breaks the silence and exclaims: “Dude, we’re about to tee-off. We’re not gonna wait for you to take a dump in the woods!”

“No, no. It won’t take long,” our golfing buddy assures us, as he begins to head into the underbrush. “It’s only a courtesy wipe.”

Only a courtesy wipe. As gross and ridiculous as that sounded, the rest of us knew what he meant and why he meant it. In fact, I’m pretty sure we all collectively thought the same thing: “Hmmm. A courtesy wipe. That’s actually not a bad idea.”

As I watched my friend trudge back out of the woods and grab his driver, I pondered (in addition to making a mental note to not shake his hand or high-five him after the round was over) was it really that crazy to carry a roll of toilet paper in your golf bag? And for that matter, what else should I be carrying in there that I currently am not?

Flash-forward to present day and I believe I now have a golf bag stocked with the essentials (the trick is to carry what you need without adding any significant weight): First, there’s the obvious stuff: Balls (I usually carry a dozen – hey, you never know when you’ll have a bad day); tees (20 or so); a towel (cotton 23″ x 15″); a stainless steel water bottle; sunscreen; an umbrella; and a wind breaker. Oh, and I also carry the rain hood that came with my bag. We all carry that stupid thing, don’t we? I’m not sure why – It’s not very practical to put on and take off and I rarely play in the rain (which now makes me wonder if I really need the umbrella).

Anyway, on to the not so obvious stuff: I carry a few band-aids (you never know when a callus will crack or a blister will form). A divot-repair tool (I have a neat one from Victorinox); Two cigars (and a lighter); An extra pencil; a couple extra soft spikes; a list of my full- and half-swing club distances (on a small slip of paper and laminated); and a never-warn waterproof Srixon floppy hat (eh, I got it for free). I used to carry the rules of golf booklet too, but have since replaced that with the app version. Oh and get this – I carry a gag exploding golf ball…seriously – This thing bursts into a powdery cloud when struck. The same one has been in my bag for 10 years (I’m still waiting for the perfect time to pull the old ball switcheroo on someone).

So, that’s what I’m packing (still no TP though). And actually, now that I’ve created this list, I remember I need to put some Tylenol or Advil in my bag too (crap…I’m getting old).

What’s in your golf bag?

Silly Golfers, Smoking is for Criminals

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Michael Jordan puffing a stogie on the golf course (photo by shgmom56 / CC BY-SA 2.0)
Michael Jordan puffing a stogie on the golf course (photo by shgmom56 / CC BY-SA 2.0)

You may remember Michael Jordan was photographed smoking a cigar at the Presidents Cup during a practice round last October. The photo caused a bit of a stir because public smoking is banned in San Francisco – a law that extends to include the golf course they were playing on; Harding Park.

There was much hoopla in the media surrounding Jordan’s law-breaking stogie (of which he was not asked to fork over the $100 fine). But not questioned by the media, and perhaps an obvious follow-up to the story is; Why are people in vast outdoor areas banned from smoking in the first place?

I just returned from a trip to New Mexico. Being rather dry, New Mexico is susceptible to brush fires. And in particularly dry seasons, I’ve had to do without a cigar on some its most gorgeous courses. I understand this completely and have no problem capitulating.

But over the last few years, some towns and counties have implemented no smoking bans on public courses due to health issues such as second-hand smoke. These places include San Francisco (as mentioned above) Glendale and Pasadena, CA; Hawaii County, HI; Bloomington, MN; Goshen, IN; Abilene, TX; and Arvada, CO.

An article in USA Today last year highlighted the Hawaiian law in particular was being largely ignored. Meanwhile, golfers in other towns were taken-back by the mere notion of banning smoking on the course – One golf pro in Pittsburgh thought it would be “ludicrous” and “overkill” and then posed the question: “How would you enforce it?” He has a point – rangers can’t even handle the slow play problem.

Perhaps more interesting was Los Angeles County’s recent ban on smoking (effective last September) at parks, beaches and golf courses (ironically, the ban does not extend to actors smoking when the script calls for it). Anyway, officials in LA cited health concerns for the ban, including that second-hand smoke leads to the deaths of 52,000 people annually. OK, I understand the second-hand smoke point when you’re indoors, but the last time I checked, golf was played outside. The golf course isn’t a crowded bar…if you don’t want to get a whiff of your playing partner’s Robusto, why are you standing downwind of him? What’s next, no more campfires while camping? After all, campfire smoke contains acetaldehyde.

It seems recent smoking bans concur – There was some question whether the new ban in Michigan (which went into effect May 1, 2010) included players out on the golf course. However, review of the new law revealed the ban only “includes the clubhouses where food is served and areas around beverage and food carts on the course.” So much for buying cigars from the MOFOBETE in The Great Lakes State.

But the reality is, laws are being passed that ban smoking in the great outdoors, and this includes some municipal golf courses. While the towns and counties don’t seem to be enforcing said rules (including when a high-profile celeb like Michael Jordan is caught red-handed), the laws exist nonetheless, not-to-mention more are being proposed in other areas (including one in Spokane, WA last year which was defeated due to public outcry). I’ve previously posted about how golf and cigars seem inseparable. Was I wrong?

 

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