GolfStinks

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Golfing Until The End…Of Days That Is

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Well, May 21st came and went, and we’re all still here. And not to sound selfish, even though this will, but I’m still here, and that’s what matters most to me. Because if I wasn’t still here, then my golfing life would have ended prematurely…and what a waste that would have been.

See, I’ve never played any of the so called “greatest” courses. And if the world were to end before I had the chance to at least play a few, then I would be seriously pissed.

Also, I have yet to break 90. If I was to die at the end of the world before I ever broke 90 (because I know it’s going to happen one of these days) I certainly would have needed to have a sit-down with the planners of this Rapture. And I promise, there would have been several unkind words flying across the table.

Oh, another thing…I’ve yet to record a hole in one. And statistically speaking, I’m getting closer and closer to pulling it off. If my math is correct, and I’m going up against those 1-in-45,000 odds, then I should have that hole-in-one chalked-up sometime within the next 549 years. If I can step up the amount of rounds I play per year, then maybe I can get that count down a bit. Hey, every little bit helps!

So you see, this whole Rapture thing has really got me thinking. I’ve slacked off with my golf game for far too long. I have far too many things still to do in my golfing life – places to play, miracle shots to pull off, Nassau’s to win, clubs to break over my knee a la Bo Jackson. And how would I feel if I never got the chance to do these things all because of something so silly as the end of days.

Of course, I could always look at the bright side – If Judgement Day were to happen, there’s a good chance I would be among the ones left behind. And if that was the case, at least there would be a better chance for me to get a tee-time at Bethpage Black.

Swing ’til you’re happy! Because December 21, 2012 is just around the corner!

Am I Motivated by the Hole-In-One Prize?

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During a recent commute, I passed by a billboard promoting a golf tournament at a somewhat local country club.

Nothing out of the ordinary, but what caught my eye was the hole-in-one prize – a brand new, 2011 Corvette. Being a big Corvette fan, this naturally got my juices flowing. And being that it’s mid-May and I still have yet to even attempt to play a round of golf this year, this was beginning to get me motivated.

But after passing by the sign, I thought about where the tournament was taking place. This is a former private course which only two years ago, during the deepest depths of the recession, went public…obviously because they were losing money. So how is it they have the money now to put on this tournament? Not to mention, how do they have the money to be able to give away a $50,000 car?!

I understand the tournament, while charity based, is also a tool to help promote membership with the club. And granted, they only have to give away the car if a hole-in-one happens, but what if it does? That’s basically $50,000 they have to pony up! I’m sure the entry fee from the participating golfers doesn’t approach that amount! And let’s face it, the hole-in-one prize is usually the biggest draw to the tournament, especially if you’re not playing the tournament with your regular golfing buddies. So the prize has to be worth-while to draw participants. So what to do? How can they afford to pay that out? Well, the same way everything a person can’t afford gets paid out…insurance.

I’m sure most people know that just about any large prize in contests such as holes-in-one, half-court shots and the like, are insured. An NBA team doesn’t want to just pay some lucky guy sitting in the stands $100,000 because he made a basket, especially one that is, relatively anyway, not all that hard. So instead, they can pay an insurance company $100 per shot (41 home games for a total of $4,100) just in case someone does make it. Not bad, right? $4,100 covers them from having to pay out the grand prize. And if no one makes the shot, then they had a helluva season long promotion for only $4,100! Chump change for an NBA franchise!

The same system works in golf tournaments. If you’re putting on a golf tournament, you don’t have to raise $50,000 to cover the cost of your hole-in-one prize. You simply have to take out an insurance policy. And the rates, like all other insurance rates, are based on risk. And being that the odds of making a hole-in-one are what they are…the risk is pretty low. So believe it or not….you’re not paying out all that much!

Think of it this way – You’re a 40-year driver, with no accidents or tickets, driving a Hyundai Santa Fe (according to AOL Autos, the least expensive car to insure) – chances are, you’re insurance premium is going to be a hell of a lot less than that of the 17-year old kid driving a Mustang, right?

So when tournament time rolls around, there are a number of companies who will be happy to take your money based on the odds of a hole-in-one (anywhere between 1 in 12,000 and 1 in 45,000 depending upon the basis of the odds). You can find said companies with a simple Google search of “Golf tournament prize insurance.”

Lets say your tournament features 140-150 golfers. Even at the lowest odds, chances are that prize is not being paid out. This is why some of these insurance coverages can be had for as low as $250-$300. Maybe even lower if you take the time to do the research and call around.

So maybe this putting on a golf tournament thing is not as costly as I had once thought. If the course itself is putting the tournament on and the insurance on the grand prize as well as a few other smaller prizes is relatively inexpensive, that really only leaves food and drinks. And by the time the players pay their entries and local and corporate sponsors put in a few bucks, I can see how money is made for a good cause and the chance for a course to gain a few new members can certainly happen.

Now, the trick for me will be to come up with the money to take a few lessons to get my “par-3 swing” right, come up with the money to enter the tournament, get a day off from work and beat those 45,000 to 1 odds at just the right time to drive home in a brand new ‘vette! Do you think there’s some type of insurance to cover my expenses?

Swing ’til you’re happy!

How Can I Take Advantage of the Mother’s Day Special?

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Always looking for the chance to play a round of golf, or to play golf for less money than usual, I have to be on the lookout for every discount opportunity available. But what to do around this time of year? By “this time of year” I mean Mother’s Day. With all of the Mother’s Day specials floating around, I as a male golfer, am left out in the cold. So what do I do?

My mother is not a golfer, and as evidenced here, here and here…neither is my wife. As a matter of fact, none of the women in my life are golfers. So it seems there’s only one way to take advantage…bring my wife anyway.

Here’s the plan – Stinky Golfer Greg, his wife, my wife and I show up to the course offering the “Mom’s Play Free” special. I’ll have her carry Greg’s clubs into the pro shop where she doesn’t have to pay, but I pay full price. But when we go to pick up our cart, she heads back to the car, Greg joins me at the cart, pays me half the greens fee, and when the difference is split, we both actually play for half price! My wife and Greg’s wife go shopping for the next several hours while Greg and I shank our way through the course and tank our way through the 19th hole. And when we’ve had our fill of both golf and “refreshments,” we have on-call designated drivers! How can you beat that?!

So after this nifty idea, I wonder which other specials I can try to take advantage. Here’s one I’ve come up with:

Unemployment Mondays…genius! All I need now is an unemployed friend! And the friend part is optional. With the current national unemployment rate standing at 9.2%, that’s almost 1 in 10 odds that I’ll come across someone who is collecting. I will gladly pay five or ten bucks for an unemployment check stub! This particular club charges $28 for greens fees. So a cart is required. That’s no big deal. I’m saving $28 on the course! Not to sound like an infomercial, but that’s a $46 value for $18!

How about you? Can anyone share some other free golf specials of which I may be able to take advantage? After all, the best golf is free golf!

Swing ’til you’re happy!

Golf…An Athlete’s Game?

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What the hell does this mean? Well the more I play, or should I say “suck at” golf, the more I realize that this game requires a multitude of athletic skills, with each skill drawing from a different sport. I believe the worse you are at golf the more you develop as an all around athlete.

How is this so? Let me explain. You see, besides the swinging of the clubs, golf offers us many opportunities to engage in other sports. For example, let’s take track and field, more specifically – the hammer throw. You can probably see where this is going. The hammer throw is pretty much launching the hammer* as far as possible. Just like when you screw up that 50 yard chip onto the green after smashing a 300+ yard drive – you launch your club as far as the eye can see.

Let’s look at another sport – soccer. When your ball is stuck behind an obstacle impeding on your next shot what do you do? Some of us hacks find ourselves summoning the fancy footwork of soccer great, Pele. Don’t give me that “Well, I chip out to the fairway” crap! You use the ol’ toe iron and get on with it. GOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAL!

All joking aside, golf season is just about in full swing across the country. Let’s enjoy the fact that we can get out there and play! This week has been pretty crazy and made me stop and think about what how lucky I am to have the opportunity to golf.

Hit’em long…yell FORE!!

* hammer throw is an athletic throwing event where the object is to throw a heavy metal ball attached to a wire and handle. The name “hammer throw” is derived from older competitions where an actual sledge hammer was thrown. Such competitions are still part of the Scottish Highland Games, where the implement used is a steel or lead weight at the end of a cane handle.

Finally…Golfing Weather! So Why Wasn’t I Golfing?

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Mid- to upper 60’s, a bit of a breeze, only a few clouds to be seen…this is fantastic golfing weather! There have been several nice days so far this year, just not on a weekend. So what more could I possibly ask for? This is the perfect day to hit the links for the first time this year.

But I didn’t. Instead, my boys and I hopped in the car this morning and made our way to the bait shop. We grabbed a couple dozen night crawlers, headed out to a nice lake and proceeded to spend the next few hours casting our lines into the water hoping to reel in a good fish tale.

But I have to ask myself…is there something wrong with me? What I mean is, I have waited all winter for a weekend day like this one to get out on the golf course. And when this day finally comes…I go fishing instead! I guess the easiest way for me to explain it is that I have a connection with fishing that I don’t have with golf.

You see, I began playing golf only about thirteen or fourteen years ago. But fishing? I can’t even remember when I began going. Despite living practically around the corner from a golf course as a kid, it never really called out to me as much as the lake hidden back in the woods across the street. I can’t begin to explain how many days my friends and I would spend back there, for hours on end, pulling out bass, trout, perch and catfish. It’s a connection with my childhood that I don’t want to lose. Golf will never have that connection for me since I took it up much later in life.

But fishing isn’t something I get to do very often anymore due to hectic schedules, kids playing sports and my newer summertime love…golf. But every once in a while, I have to take the time to get back to my childhood. And then, golf has to take a backseat. It helps that my kids enjoy it also. They were as excited to go as I was.

People ask me how I can fish for hours, possibly not catch a thing, and not get bored out of my mind. The answer is, I have no idea. The connection with my youth? The potential to catch “the big one?” Just spending time outside, relaxing at a nice place on a nice day? Maybe it’s a little bit of all those things. But, in some ways, I can equate fishing to golf. But none better than this…

While sitting on some rocks on the side of the lake, a ranger (we were at a state park) comes by and asks my boys how they were doing. My oldest responded “OK, we haven’t caught anything yet.” The ranger then responds “That’s OK. It’s a nice day and you’re outside. What’s better than that?” After the brutal winter we have just come through…he’s right…what could be better?

Swing (or cast) ’til you’re happy!

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