A week ago I was excited to get out on the course. The weather was great. It was the first round of the year. It couldn’t be a better day. Even though I played like crap (as usual), it couldn’t possibly ruin my excitement. As a matter of fact, the course could have been a mortar range and it wouldn’t have mattered. But that was last week.

Now that the weather has once again returned to what is expected of a typical early spring in New England, it got me thinking about some of the things out on the course that can, and eventually will, ruin the day. Once in a while, no matter how nice the course is, how much the greens fees are, or what the course’s reputation is, there will be something to leave you with a bad taste in your mouth. Here are a few of my gripes…

1. The guy in the pro shop has a stick up his ass – Ever run into this one? I don’t know about you, but it takes a great course and a fantastic remainder of the day to make me forget about this guy. If my first experience at a course turns out to be with someone who treats me like my money doesn’t deserve a bit of hospitality, then my first experience also may very well be my last. Just to clarify, I have noticed this very rarely happens. Almost all of the courses I have played, the employees seem very happy that I have chosen to plunk down my hard-earned greenbacks (or plastic) at their course. But every once in a while, you come across that one jerk. He’s not even looking at you with so much as a fake smile. He takes your money, gives you your ticket and doesn’t even give you a chance to pick it up before he’s shouting “Next!” while looking annoyingly around you to get to the next guy. I’d like to replace that stick with my golf umbrella…and then open it.

2. The starter and the guy inside are sharing the same stick – I understand that your job as a starter may be boring, but try to show at least a bit of enthusiasm! Cut away from the conversation your having with your buddy for a few seconds and acknowledge me. Say good morning. Make a comment about the weather. Ask if I’ve ever played here before. Tell me something about the course. What’s the pin placement? Anything specific I should know? Got any tips? Something! Again, this is pretty rare, but it happens.

3. A lack of water on the course – Look, golf is obviously a summer sport. In the summer, it’s hot and often humid. I bring a bottle of water or a sports drink with me every round. But depending upon how hot and humid it is, that drink may be gone by the fourth or fifth hole. The least you could do is, every several holes or so, put out a big container of water. Let me refill my bottle as often as possible. Don’t force me to spend money at the turn on something you should provide for free. I mean, I’m not asking for an 800 ml bottle of VOSS here! Just fill up a container with some ice and tap water, and that’s good enough to get me through. I promise I’ll spend money on beer in the 19th hole!

4. Where the hell is the MOFOBETE?! – This one is almost as bad as the lack of water. Normally, I don’t purchase anything from her anyway, unless we’re plagued by gripe #3. But it annoys the hell out of me when the first time I see the MOFOBETE is on hole #15. I want to start screaming – “I’m almost done now! Where have you been all day?! There’s no freakin’ water out on this course! I could have used you eight holes ago!! It’s 97 degrees out here!! We started out as a foursome but two of our guys passed out on the eighth tee from heat exhaustion and dehydration! I swear I’m going to go inside and report this to the course mana…hey, are those Hondurans?…I’ll take two…and a Miller Lite.”

5. Somebody get me a ranger! – I’m not one to complain all that much about slow play…as long as it’s not TOO SLOW. I’ll never quite understand the huge rush to get your round done. I mean, golf takes some time to play, it’s not a race. Relax and enjoy the day. I don’t need to finish my round in under four hours. If I do, that’s great. But if not, it’s OK – as long as I’m not sitting and waiting on every hole. But inevitably, at some point you’re going to catch up to the group in front of you. And every once in a while, you’ll come across the group looking to get into the Guinness Book for the longest golf round ever. And, of course, a ranger is nowhere to be found. Stinky Golfer Greg often says people just taking up the game should be taught golf etiquette before they are taught the actual rules. This group is living proof of that statement. All it takes is one or two guys to keep an eye out and make sure golfers aren’t simply wasting every one else’s time. If they spend ten minutes looking for their ball in the trees, that’s eight minutes too many. Taking too much time to fish their balls out of the water? Hey, move it along pal. He doesn’t need to be R. Lee Ermey, but there needs to be a ranger or two who can, at the very least, keep the game moving.

6. What’s with the chain-link fence? – For your own purposes, the fence can be replaced with basically any eyesore. The point here is, I can be playing a great round on a beautiful track with fantastic views. But there’s going to be something that sticks out like a sore thumb that you’ll remember more than any of the good stuff. Be it a chain-link fence, some power lines running over a fairway or a giant net from the driving range running parallel to the second hole. Either way, it’ll leave you wondering where the design flaw was. Did the designer take a day off? Did he leave that part to the intern? Whatever the case may be, I’m sure it could have been a little more well though out.

Again, chances are none of these are going to ruin my day. But they will often times leave a bad taste. Especially if I’m spending well above average money. I understand that, most times, you get what you pay for. So when these occurrences happen at some of the more hi-end courses, it sure does put a damper on the round.

What about anyone else? Speak up. Let’s here some of your gripes. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way…