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Stinky Golfer Paradise

The articles in this category are the epitome of the GolfStinks ethos. Here's where you'll learn how to take the frustration out of your golf game!

Golf Gadgets; WTF? (Part 1)

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Game improvement or WTF was I thinking?!?!?!?

Ok, so I did some research into the phenomenal business of golf-swing-aids* and couldn’t help but take a step back and say “You gotta be F$%#in’ kidding me!” Does this stuff really work? In Part 1 of this periodic series, I offer a little side-by-side comparison of what they say, and what I say. Enjoy…and please don’t take offense.
What they say: Get the Right Angle with Right Link! The Right Link teaches you the proper role of the right arm throughout the golf swing. It develops the width and full extension you need for a more powerful, on-plane swing.

What I say: Steve Austin, golfer, a man barely alive…Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world’s first bionic golfer. Steve Austin will be that golfer, better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster…

What they say: Swingyde will provide you with the feedback necessary to hinge the wrists correctly and assure that the face is perfectly square throughout the swing.
What I say: Holy $%#@!!! Vishnu has reincarnated to an amateur golfer people, amazing!

What they say: LASER PUTTER: This is a laser light attached to your regular putter; it will allow you to see where you are actually lining up the putter.

What I say: By some freak accident the Military Channel and the Golf Channel’s broadcast signal bounced off the same satellite at the same time and this is what happened (Thank you, Thank you! This took me some time to come up with…).

What they say: The purpose of the impact bag is to train your muscles to learn the point your club is supposed to impact the ball. By repeating your swing over and over into the bag, hitting the proper spot every time, you develop muscle memory.

What I say: Muscle memory? Bull feces! If you suck, you’re muscles are just going to remember to slice it two fairways over instead of one.

 

What they say: This golf swing trainer is designed to provide golfers with the swing mechanics and consistency needed to reinforce proper weight shift.

What I say: Correct me if I’m wrong but, I believe if you work in a warehouse they give you one of these for free…

 

What they say: The Explanar is a complete training system incorporating the swing plane, the biomechanics of the golf swing, and a fitness training aid.

What I say: You got some splainin’ to do, Explanar! How the hell did you manage to take out the ceiling fan, the urn with grandpa’s ashes and the glass top to the coffe table? Oh, right…game improvement. Forget game improvement, I think Explanar has a future in home improvement.

What they say: I couldn’t imagine what they could say.

What I say: How the F$%# do you play 18 holes with this contraption? Looks like someone is a closet S&M fan…kinky.

*Disclaimer: I stink at golf and am in no way an expert on golf, game improvement or anything of its likeness. Please note that this was done for humor and not intended to harm anyone or anything. If you do not find this funny, sorry Bub.

Hit’em long…yell FORE!

Why High-Handicappers Should Play Great Golf Courses

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Stinky Golfer Chris in the trap (photo by Greg D'Andrea)
Stinky Golfer Chris in the trap (photo by Greg D’Andrea)

Take a look at the picture above – that’s Stinky Golfer Chris completely missing his ball in the trap on a Gary Player-designed course. Now, based on that shot, do you think he should’ve saved his money rather than playing on a nice, upscale course? Believe it or not, many amateur golfers would answer “yes” to that question.

It just seems odd to me that so many people claim they won’t play great golf courses because they’re simply not good enough. Allow me to toss in my two cents here: That is the worst excuse in the book! Find me where it’s written that only good golfers can play on good courses. The mere notion is ridiculous.

However, let me take a step back for a moment to highlight the difference between “poor players” and “slow players.” I once saw a sign at a course that read: “No one is offended by poor play, but everyone is offended by slow play.” How true that statement is. But it’s been my experience that the really slow players are usually the people that shouldn’t be out on a course to begin with. These are people who have not been properly introduced to the etiquette-side of the game. So, as long as you understand when to pick-up-the-pace and not hold-up every foursome behind you, there’s no reason to think you’re “not good enough” to play a particular course.

Which brings me to the issue of money. People think, “I’d love to play Pebble Beach, but I’d just be throwing my money away.” I feel like saying to them: “Really? Why play at all then? I mean, the next time you play the local muni, you’re still gonna shoot 95, right? Why pay the $40? Just give up the game since you stink so bad. Take that $40 and go out to dinner instead.”

Speaking of going out to dinner, we don’t mind paying more at better restaurants, do we? In general, the best golf courses have the highest greens fees, which makes sense – In general, the best restaurants are usually pricier than your average eatery. Sure, you’re not going to eat at the best place in town every night, but you probably would once or twice a year, perhaps on a special occasion? So why don’t people rationalize this way for where they play golf?

Why do we golf? The answer is simple: We enjoy it. By golfing, we’re rewarding ourselves, even when we play poorly. Want proof? We keep coming back for more no matter how bad our last outing was. Try this: Why did you go to that great steak house on your birthday, or that pricey fusion place on your anniversary? Do you have an answer? Now ask yourself why you shouldn’t experience the best course around by playing the game you love there – even if it is only once or twice a year?

Dear Charles Barkley… (a letter that I never really sent but, wouldn’t mind if he read)

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First of all, I want to thank you for the years of entertainment and inspiration you provided me as a youth. You’re bold and honest attitude on-and-off the court wasn’t necessarily that of role-model material (and I know how you feel about that) but, it was 100% respectable.

What I really want to tell you is, as much as you say you are not a role model, you’re golf game (along with your attitude towards golf) is. I admire the fact that you go out there and play the game because you like it. As a former NBA All-star, I’m sure it’s not that easy to play something you’re not the best (or at least one of the best) at. You’re just like every other average hack but more visible to the public eye.

You know what? (Here comes the shameless plug…) You would be a great spokesperson for golfstinks.com. The way you make pro instructors and those pompous wanna-be pro’s cringe with your swing – it’s absolutely fantastic! F@#%’em! Play your game, dammit! You make it okay for me to go out there in public (with my swing that looks like a five year old playing tee-ball) just because I love the game.

This is our schtick at Golfstinks. We love the game, borderline suck at it, and don’t care because we’re having fun. Isn’t that what it’s all about? Finally, I would like to say that you are a real person who’s had run-ins (which were unfortunately slapped all over the media), but you overcame them. This, Sir Charles, is what makes the difference to me because your life and your golf swing are similar (e.g. they’re not perfect)…Just like me.

Knock Strokes off your Score Instantly with the PAF Rule!

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Golf is a lot easier when someone carries your bag

I was laying on my couch yesterday recovering from Saturday night’s “therapy” session at the ol’ watering hole and I had a game altering revelation – the PAF Rule!

You see, I was watching the Golf Channel because a) the remote was too far away and b) I was zoning-out rather than really watching when this infomercial came on guaranteeing straighter and longer drives, lower scores, lower handicaps, better sex life, all for 20 installments of $19.95…you know the one.

Anyway, I cleared the fog out my head and started thinking of ways I can lower my score without lifting a finger (Hey, call me lazy but I like to refer to myself as super efficient).

I said to myself “If I had a gallery of spectators and a couple of field marshal’s to see where my ball landed, I would never lose a ball again…for the most part.” Seriously, how many times have you smacked the snot out of a drive or hit a nice iron and can’t find it. You swear to every religious figure that the ball landed right there and *poof* it magically disappeared. Do you see where I’m going with this?

On average, I would say my ball “magically” disappears a couple times a round, and since I don’t draw the masses when I hit the links, nor is there a field marshal to be found (at least where I play), I’ve decided to call this the “Pro Advantage Factor” or PAF. An automatic -2 off my score. Why not?

Doesn’t the PAF justify it? Everyone’s PAF could be different depending on how many balls you “magically” lose. I mean the better you are the less help you need, right? So why do pro’s have people helping them find their balls?

We stinky ones need all the help we can get. More PARS with PAF, that’s what I say! This should play right along with the rules. Barring O.B., the next time you hit a Houdini don’t sweat it, play the PAF card.

Gathering My Thoughts Off the Course…

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Hello fellow stinky golfers! I’m Chris, one of the founding fathers of this little endeavor we call Golfstinks and I’d like to welcome you to my first ever blog post…not just here but, anywhere! I don’t want to screw this up, so this morning I’m thinking about what I’m going to write and I’m trying to get some thoughts together.

Obviously, I want to talk about golf. I also want to talk about Golfstinks and maybe I want to mention how much my own game of golf literally stinks. But I can’t get my ideas all in one place. So where do I go to work out all of these golfing thoughts? Well, I go fishing of course!

And that gets me thinking how much golf and fishing have in common. Think about it – They’re both good outdoor summer sports. Just about anyone (young or old, big or slim) can participate. For the most part, both are pretty relaxing. Depending upon where you are, both sports can provide you with a very peaceful, serene setting. You can drink beer on the “field of play” (but unlike bowling, I don’t think it makes anyone a better golfer or fisherman). And finally, the saying is the same for both sports: A bad day golfing/fishing beats a good day at the office (though since I’m currently unemployed, like 9.4% of my fellow citizens, I don’t know how much this applies to me).

So I guess what I’m really trying to say is our team at Golfstinks is pretty excited about what we’ve got goin’ on here. I think we’ve got something that average stinky golfers have been waiting for. I know it’s something that I, as a stinky golfer, have been waiting for. So there has to be others out there like me, right? Well, if I’m wrong and no one cares about what we’re doing here, I can always try to start up fishingstinks.com.

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