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Stinky Golfer Paradise

The articles in this category are the epitome of the GolfStinks ethos. Here's where you'll learn how to take the frustration out of your golf game!

New Calendar According to Golf

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calendar-151591_640From the earliest days of man to this very moment every culture, ethnicity, tribe etc. has influenced, used or created a calendar. They based it on some constant – usually a reference date, and were able to further develop it from there. So, I’ve taken the liberty and created my own calendar…according to Golf.

Considering I live in the Northeast and our golf season is well, seasonal, it works like this: The year will normally start with January and proceed with February, March, Golfember and December. Wait…What?!?!? Golfember? WTF?!?! Yep! you heard right, Golfember, 244 days of golfing possibilities! Now in order to keep the chaos to a minimum, Golfember follows the 7 days a week pattern but has damn near 35 weeks in it.

Don’t worry, all of the holidays are still there, for example: July 4th would be Golfember 95th and Thanksgiving would be…uhh…Thanksgiving, the thirty-fifth Thursday in Golfember. Ya dig? No more of that “What month are we in” crap!Meanwhile, we can implement all-new holidays. For example, wedged right in between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, we can have Golfer’s Day. That’s where you give all the golfers in your life a present (balls, new clubs, etc.).

I know, this is exciting and it gets better. If you live in the southern part of the U.S., you lucky devils will have the option to combine January, February and March into Golfuary. Hence the calendar would be Golfuary, Golfember and December. My reasoning for keeping December is because of the great holidays that fall in that month. You know, all that giving and receiving and eating and visiting family. It’s just too much of a good thing to change.

So, in this crazy complex world we live in, I believe a little streamlining and simplifying would be refreshing…and very much welcome. As far-fetched as this may be, I think cabin-fever is setting in already and it’s only been a few days since my season ended! How long til Golfmas?

Turkey on the Table and Clubs in the Attic

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Sleeping Giant Golf Course, Connecticut
One last round before golf season is over… (Photo by Greg D’Andrea)

So it’s Thanksgiving. Of all the holidays, this one leaves me with mixed emotions – I appreciate the “giving thanks” aspect…the food, the family, etc., but this time of year also marks the official end to my golf season.

I feel like I’m a late-season golfer. Many of my golf buddies stow the old battle-sticks in the basement or attic by the end of October. Heck, here in the States, the start of (American) football in early September usually brings and end to many Saturday and Sunday tee-times. But I carry on, playing through the first few weeks in November.

The end-all for me is when I have to put on more than a windbreaker or sweater. When that happens (and my swing is subsequently compromised), I’m done till Spring – and usually that means the week of Thanksgiving – in fact, I can’t remember the last time I played a round in December here in New England.

So I’ll settle-in tomorrow after stuffing myself similar to which the bird I devoured was stuffed; watch the Packers demolish the Lions; re-watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving for the 472nd time; and fall asleep on the couch.

Yet there are memories to give thanks for beyond the ordinary: The thought of walking 18-holes on a warm summer day; the thud the ball makes when landing on a soft green in regulation; the feeling you get when everything clicks on a drive; to make the turkey gobble on a long putt…

Yes, if you’re in my boat, where golf lays dormant till April…take a second tomorrow – gaze out the window, across the carpet of auburn leaves and remember all the things you can give thanks for.

Happy Thanksgiving.

The Golfstinks, Man I Suck And Couldn’t Give A Fat Baby’s Ass, Golf Course Challenge (Part 1)

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wine-215359_640WARNING: The following challenges are intended for reading entertainment purposes and not to be performed. Unless you are a total moron or just curious like me. For Part 2 in this series, please click HERE.

Does sucking at golf get you down? You arrive, unload your bag, mangle the course, screw up your shots and have to listen to some pipe tell you to keep your head down. Well, I too have been in that scenario and looked for a way to better my situation. I realized that without practice and hours upon hours of being on the course, I will never become a better golfer. So, I took the liberty and created challenges to keep my spirits up while golfing poorly.

Challenge #1: The Piñata Drive
Ok, you get blindfolded, take your driver and hold it straight up so you can bend over and rest your head on the grip while the club head is touching the ground, and in traditional fashion, you revolve around the club as your buddies count each revolution in Spanish (you may stop at ten, sorry “diez”). You then proceed, with a little help, to where your ball is teed up and swing till the stuff comes out. What do you mean ‘What stuff?’ Well, I don’t know… until you make contact with something wise ass! Did I mention that (DIMT from here on out, hey everybody else makes up their own acronyms) alcohol must be consumed prior to the blindfolding and in between revolutions and your approach to the ball or more properly, your “set-up?”

Justification: You are going to screw up your tee shot anyway.

Challenge #2: En Garde!
Challenge anyone and everyone to a fencing duel using their driver shaft as a sword. If they decline and walk away, proceed to smack the back of their leg with the shaft in a whipping motion and immediately scream “En garde!” This will easily get your ass kicked or make for some good side betting. Either way, it’s entertainment.

Justification: Sharpens the ol’ reflexes and helps with the hand-eye coordination thing.

Challenge #3: Tee For Two
Two butt cheeks that is. How long can you keep a golf tee wedged in your butt crack? No one has to know, call it our secret big boy! More points the hotter the weather. DIMT a golf ball can be substituted for the more “advanced” partaker in this challenge?

Justification: It depends on who you are asking. My justification is giving the tee to the annoying one in the foursome.

Reflections on another Stinky Golf Season

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Golf Hole From Hell
Airways Golf Course (photo by Greg D’Andrea)

No matter how bad you play, your worst round is still ahead of you. Golf is a game of numbers and since the numeric system is infinite you can always pick your head up after shooting a 153 and say “Could of been worse, coulda’ shot a 154…” Albeit if you shot a 153 – I’m sure somewhere along the line you cheated and should have a 163. Just saying, I’ve done it…I mean I never shot a 153 but…Ok! Ok! I’ve had scores that equalled the top speed of a Porsche…happy now?

What is it about this game that keeps me coming back though? Is it that one nice drive I had? Or that birdie on the 18th hole? Does my geographic location come into play – unlike warmer climates where you can play year-round, do I dream about playing during the off-months? Yes, yes, yes and also, for me, golf is a chance to get together with friends and for those few hours I don’t have to worry about anything. A chance to act like a child, within moderation of course, have a few laughs (and beers) and go home* (*home is the secret word for the closest bar, wink, wink).

That being said, I guess it’s nearing the end of the golfing season here in the northeastern part of the US, and all that’s left are memories of this past year. So, not trying to be sentimental and what not, I’ll miss heading out in the middle of summer where the humidity is so bad you ask yourself “Why am I here right now?” I’ll miss hitting a great shot and follow it up with four or five not so great shots and still have to chip to get on. I’ll miss pulling the old “unhooking my playing partners’ golf bags from the cart so when they take-off, the bags fall off” gag.

I envy golfers that live in warmer climates and can hack year round. Well, actually that means I have a better chance at shooting a crappier round more frequently. Remember it’s a game of numbers. Throughout the years of my golf “career” I’ve heard some funny sayings and one that stuck with me goes right along with the “numbers” thing. What other game can you yell “Fore”, shoot a six and write down a five? So the game of numbers goes on. My number now? That would be 6. Six months till the 2010 season! Man, I love this game!

Golf Gadgets; WTF? (Part 2)

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Ok, round deux! This just gets better…I think I’m in the wrong business. Everybody wants to lower their score and will do anything (including selling their soul to the devil) to improve the ol’ handicap. Maybe I should design something that incorporates all of these devices. Something along the lines of a suit with all the gadgets attached…Damn man, you will definitely get all the chicks!

What they say: The Helicopter is a simple concept that has proven to be very effective. Just line up the red blades to the target line in all positions and follow the easy to understand steps and you will hit the ball straight…it’s that simple!

What I Say: Weeeeeeeeee! Look at the colors go round n’ round…

What they say: The Power Wrist™ is a new easy to use self-training golf aid that teaches golfers how to have the proper positioning of the wrist and arm during the entire swing. What I Say: The Power Wrist™ helps with your swing? I’ll tell you what a powerful wrist helps with…trust me…I know.

What they Say: Protator kills any slice! What I Say: Protator looks like it belongs in a proctologist’s office…ouch! And what’s with the stance…

What They Say: Loosen up before your golf round, build golf muscles, straight and flexibility, and even hit balls to identify and fix golf swing flaws with this golf club weight. What I Say: Holy crap, this shaft warmer does all that? Shaft warmer…

What They Say: The Swingscope is the first of its kind swing teaching device and uses direct Bio-Feedback to guide the golfer to utilize the proper golf specific muscles in order to ingrain the correct muscle memory with respect to coil, lower body resistance, stability and the dynamic relationship between a fundamentally sound hip and shoulder turn. What I say: Hey now! An automatic reach-arounder…who would have thought? Ladies, flip it around and use it as a chastity belt!

What they say:With the Whippy TempoMaster® you will learn to:

  • Relax your hands and arms and swing the club head with incredible speed and control
  • Strike the ball using the large muscle that runs along the left side of your back (the lattismus dorsi muscle)
  • Swing hard without using your arms or hands to initiate the force of the swing
  • Keep your left arm connected to your rib cage
  • Transfer your weight from one side to the other correctly and smoothly with rhythm
  • Drive the ball really far, time and time again

What I say: HAAAAAAAAA! Whippy Master?!?!?!

  • Da da da da da…Crack that whip!
  • When a problem comes along…you must whip it!
  • Now whip it!
  • Whip it good

Hit’em long…yell FORE!

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