GolfStinks

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Do Great Golfers Make Great Instructors?

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Here goes with the age old question. Do great athletes make great coaches? Well, I tend to believe that a majority of the great athletes might have some coaching ability because it’s still fresh in their minds but that’s about it. You see, very few people can excel and become great at one thing never mind two. Same goes for golf…or does it?

If you go to your local track and want to take lessons, who’s the person that gives them? The course pro and there’s a high probability they are incredible golfers too. It’s funny because when I look on the side line of any other professional sport, I’m going to go ahead and guess that most of the coaches couldn’t perform at the level their players do. Nor could they have had done so in their prime.

Here’s something even better, certified golf pro’s battle it out on two fronts. The first being they need to keep their skills honed and scores low and secondly, they go through a few years of certification training to teach plus continue with refresher courses. A lot easier said than done but the proof is definitely in the pudding. How many NFL coaches do you know of can do a sub 5 second 40 yard dash without keeling over? 

OK, I got a little carried away, I completely understand the physical requirements of an NFL player are much more demanding than a pro golfer’s. The point is that in order to teach someone how to golf, you’re most likely great at it. And “it” meaning teaching and golf! So, make sure you support your local track and golf pro!

Hit’em long…yell FORE!!! Be the ball, Danny…    

Golf Through Miniature Eyes

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mini golfI was watching a cartoon with my 2-year-old the other day (Handy Manny, for those of you with toddlers) and the episode was about going to a miniature golf course. In the middle of the story, the guy who runs the course comes out and starts giving putting lessons, while another character refers to him as an “expert golf instructor.”

Now I realize this is only a cartoon, but at what point did mini course owners become expert golf instructors? I mean, miniature golf isn’t real golf, right? There’s really no skill involved and you can’t teach luck (can you)? Let’s face it, an expert golf instructor who works at a mini course is laughable, but to the writers of the show, it seemed totally plausible.

Anyway, let’s forget about the cartoon and look at this from an adult perspective: The reality is many people are only exposed to golf through a miniature course. Perhaps their parents took them as a kid or perhaps they went on a first date – whatever. But to them, mini golf is golf.

Sure, these people are vaguely aware of a much larger version of the game played by old folks, but this is as far from reality as science fiction is to them. Don’t believe me? Ask a non-golfer if they’ve ever played golf. You will undoubtedly hear the following response: “I’ve played mini golf!”

I think we golfers forget sometimes that many others have no true grasp of real golf. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to knock miniature golf – it certainly is a fun game. What I’m trying to do is show that many people don’t realize how completely different mini golf and regular golf really are.

For example, do they realize that mini golf is only one aspect (putting) of regular golf? And do they realize that the putting they are doing is completely different than the putting we do? I mean, a good mini golf putting stroke isn’t going to translate out on the greens of your local 18-hole, 7,000-yard course, is it?

Well, at least that cartoon was trying to incorporate the game of golf in some manner and kudos for them doing so. But can you imagine if regular golf was more like its Mini Me version? You show up to pay your greens fees and they hand you a bag of clubs and a dozen balls! And all the water hazards are painted blue instead of having real water! Now that I could get used to. Putting into a clown’s mouth on the 18th? Not so much.

Dear Charles Barkley… (a letter that I never really sent but, wouldn’t mind if he read)

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First of all, I want to thank you for the years of entertainment and inspiration you provided me as a youth. You’re bold and honest attitude on-and-off the court wasn’t necessarily that of role-model material (and I know how you feel about that) but, it was 100% respectable.

What I really want to tell you is, as much as you say you are not a role model, you’re golf game (along with your attitude towards golf) is. I admire the fact that you go out there and play the game because you like it. As a former NBA All-star, I’m sure it’s not that easy to play something you’re not the best (or at least one of the best) at. You’re just like every other average hack but more visible to the public eye.

You know what? (Here comes the shameless plug…) You would be a great spokesperson for golfstinks.com. The way you make pro instructors and those pompous wanna-be pro’s cringe with your swing – it’s absolutely fantastic! F@#%’em! Play your game, dammit! You make it okay for me to go out there in public (with my swing that looks like a five year old playing tee-ball) just because I love the game.

This is our schtick at Golfstinks. We love the game, borderline suck at it, and don’t care because we’re having fun. Isn’t that what it’s all about? Finally, I would like to say that you are a real person who’s had run-ins (which were unfortunately slapped all over the media), but you overcame them. This, Sir Charles, is what makes the difference to me because your life and your golf swing are similar (e.g. they’re not perfect)…Just like me.

"You Picked your Head Up…"

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That usually justifies a bad golf shot by an amateur. I mean really, it has nothing to do with the fact that we just stink at golf, right? “You didn ‘t rotate your wrists…”, Didn ‘t rotate my wrists…!?!? Who the…I didn ‘t know Hank Haney* was in our foursome. Thanks for the tip Skippy, now go get your shinebox! “What ‘s that? My body wasn ‘t square to the target…?” I ‘m sorry, but geometry was never my thing. Next time I ‘ll be sure to have a protractor. Here ‘s a little “reality golf lesson” for those that think they are golf instructors and must let you know what you are doing wrong.

1) If your business card does not say PGA professional (and can be confirmed), please…shut the ƒ#$% up!
2) If you have never been paid real money to give a golf lesson, please…shut the ƒ#$% up!
3) If your score is just as bad as everyone else ‘s, please…shut the ƒ#$% up!
4) If you find yourself saying ” I picked my head up” as a reason for bad golf, please…shut the ƒ#$% up!
5) And finally, if you don ‘t know who I ‘m referring to, it ‘s probably you, so please…

Now that I got that off my chest I shouldn ‘t have a problem keeping my head down.

*Hank Haney is a golf instructor to the pro ‘s…and wealthy retired pro athletes like Charles Barkley…btw, Sir Charles stinks at golf. How do I know? Well, Haney was quoted as saying “Charles ‘ swing looked worse than Helen Keller trying to read.” Don ‘t listen to that hogwash Chuck, I still believe in you…call me, we ‘ll do lunch.

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