We’ve all heard how we as golfers tolerate poor play, but not slow play.  More so, we don’t do well with people who are downright deliberate.  You know that group who just seems to act like they are the only people on the course?  It’s absolute murder playing behind this group.  It’s not often that I manage to stumble across a group like this, but this past weekend…I don’t know what I did to upset the golf gods, but whatever I did, it was serious.

One of my boys and I are home alone and he asks if we can go play golf.  “Absolutely!” I reply.  So we head to the course for a quick nine holes.  But boy were we in for a surprise.  The drive to the course was the quickest thing we would experience.  It was this day that I ran into the worst group of golfers I have ever had the displeasure of playing behind.  I’m not kidding when I say, it was at every hole that something was going on completely and totally against the unwritten rules of golf etiquette.  Here’s a quick few highlights, or lowlights if you will:

#1.  In hindsight, I could have saved myself the trouble right here.  One of the group (a foursome) politely asked if I wanted to go ahead of them.  But we weren’t quite ready yet.  Plus, my kid is not exactly a great golfer and I thought we would be the ones holding them up.  And I only saw two of their tee shots, both decent.  So I thanked them, but declined their offer.  Keep in mind now, I am playing at a nine hole executive course, we’re all in carts, and hole #1 is a short par-3.  Almost 20 minutes later, we teed off.  You see where this is going.

#2.  Did I mention that there is no group in front of them?  OK…we finished hole #1 and three of them had yet to tee off on #2.  And even worse is, while we were still putting on #1, we had to duck as the soon to be familiar “FORE!!” was shouted from their tee-box.  So what the hell were the other three doing up there the whole time?  So when they were done, it takes them just as long to get moving because of how they parked their carts.  The cart-path leading to #2 is a mini cul-de-sac.  But rather than turn around so you can do the old “drop-and-drive.,” they pull in forward against the curb like they’re in the parking lot at the grocery store!  So watching these four bumbling idiots put the cart in reverse and try to get out provided a bit of comic relief at least.

#3.  Once again, we finish the hole and make our way to the next tee only to find that…again…they had just finished teeing off.  But that’s not the worst of it.  No…the worst was when they were off the green and standing on the next tee box as I made my approach.  I put the ball to the left side of the green.  An easy chip and I’m dancin’.  But when I get to the green, my ball is nowhere to be found.  Now I didn’t see it happen, but I’m absolutely positive that one of these schmucks picked up my ball.  So I ask them if they’ve seen a Titleist 2.  “No, sorry.  Haven’t seen it.”  So I take a drop and chip on.  After we putt out, I turn around and look back, and behold…what do I see not three feet from where I chipped?  Yup…you guessed it.  My ball left behind as the Four Fore’s make their way down the fairway…or, into the neighboring one I should say.

#’s 4-7.  This same type of nonsense pretty much continues throughout holes 4 through 7.  All the usual crap going on by someone who’s never been taught the unwritten rules.  Their cart is never in the right place.  They don’t have the right club, so they have to run all the way back to their cart…and it’s cart-path only, so that’s not helping.  They drive past one of the balls, so one of them has to get out of the cart to run back 50 yards to hit.  They’re adding up their scores while still sitting by the green.  Harassing each other when they’re teeing off.  Just awful.

#8.  As I sit in my cart, waiting for these people again, I watch as the last of the group tees off.  One of the group, a female, sits in the passenger side of the forward cart while two guys are in the back cart.  For no good reason, the driver of the back cart hits the gas and drills the rear of the forward cart!  Are you kidding me?  I hear the girl laughing as she ask “What are you doing?!”  The guy in the rear cart who hit the gas says “I was just trying to let off the brake!”  Why?!  Your buddy is still teeing off!  You’re not going anywhere yet, and even if you were…there’s a friggin’ cart directly in front of you!!  By now, the foursome behind us has caught up.  So I quickly take the time to explain who I’m playing behind so they don’t think it’s us holding up the process.

#9.  Finally.  Once again, we teed off, putted out and drove to the 9th, only to find that not one of them has even hit yet!!  What on earth could they possibly have been doing all of this time!  They finally hit after we arrive, and again, the foursome behind us catches up and they now get to witness the shenanigans first-hand.  However, there is a silver-lining to this one.  After losing his first ball in the trees and duck-hooking the next, my boy holes one out from about 60 yards!  A great way to finish an awfully rough round!

The point here is obvious I think.  I don’t care that all four of them were poor players.  Very few of us are pros.  But if you’re going to play the game, have some respect for the other players on the course.  That’s what golf etiquette is all about – respect for the players on the course and respect for your playing partners.  In my opinion, when it comes to golf, the rules of etiquette are more important than the rules of the game.  Unless we’re in some type of competition, I could care less if you kick the ball a little to give yourself a better shot.  I don’t care if you don’t count the miss on your nonchalant tap-in.  And it doesn’t matter to me if you don’t take a stroke on your questionable drop.  But when you’re just simply wasting my time…that’s a problem.

As I have said in the past, I’m not out there to sprint through my round.  I take my time and enjoy myself.  If you’re in a hurry, you’re playing the wrong sport.  But, I know if I’m moving too slowly.  I pay attention to what’s going on around me.  This is something that needs to be taught to the younger generation.  Teach them the “rules” before teaching them the rules.  Because a twosome playing nine holes on an executive course in a cart should NEVER take three hours.

Swing ’til you’re happy!