GolfStinks

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Pro Golfer vs. Hack: Who has It Tougher?

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Does the pro golfer really have it tougher?

If someone had asked me a few years ago who has it tougher – a pro golfer vs.  a hack, I would have said pro. Today, I might have to reconsider. I never really gave this question much thought until watching a bit of a tournament recently. To sum it up, one of the golfers interviewed complained about having a “really bad day.” And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. How bad can this guy’s day have been? I mean, really, come on.

Somebody please tell me how bad it is to be playing golf professionally. I’m missing something here. Last time I checked it is very rare to actually like what you do, never mind getting paid out the backside to do so. Looking deeper into this, there are some key points that have been overlooked.

So, who has it tougher out there on the course? In order to answer this I feel we should start with the days leading up to the round. In a pro’s world, they prepare for their next round by…playing golf…because that’s what they do. And this is not to mention how much help pros get while their playing.

A hack’s preparation for an upcoming round is usually a full week’s worth of work at a job they hate so they can pay for the round. Couple that with some ball-breaking on the home front and toss in the stresses of being a middle class working stiff. Now, who’s ready for some golf?

Let’s look at what goes down during the actual round of golf. The pro is met with all types of fanfare. Their bags and what-not are tended to immediately. Not to mention their accommodations aren’t too shabby either. It is an overall warm welcome.

Now, the hack on the other hand is met with a starter that is so old and confused he has to double check your receipt because he thought you already teed off…and it’s 7:00 AM (plus the stench of that half smoked cigar he’s been chewing on for three days doesn’t help). You wait all week for this round and end up pissing yourself off because you got a snowman on the second hole…and it’s a par 3. You see where I’m going.

The point is the average hack, in my opinion, has it harder. I’m not saying the pro is privileged or special, they worked hard to get where they are. All I’m saying is that if you are in a position where your work is playing golf and you’re making a lot of money, don’t complain about having a bad day. YOU ARE PLAYING GOLF…FOR MONEY.

Hit’em long…yell FORE!!!

Golf Requires A Good Eye…To Find Your Ball

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Stinky Golfer Tom getting ready to use those eagle eyes...
Stinky Golfer Tom getting ready to use those eagle eyes… (photo by Greg D’Andrea)

Do you have that person in your foursome who knows where everyone else’s ball went except for their own?

In our group, that’s Stinky Golfer Tom. You see, Tom is a well-meaning guy who anxiously awaits a chance to follow your ball’s flight path and excitedly point in the direction of its landing spot…all while exclaiming; “I saw it land! It’s just past that small, crooked tree!”

Tom will voluntarily do this for everyone in the foursome. And then, it will be his turn to hit. And he will undoubtably lose his ball. I’m ashamed to admit that I don’t really pay attention like he does…and I can say the same for the rest of our foursome.

We’re all standing around quietly joking about something when Tom will say; “Did you guys see where I landed?” Sheepishly, we all say something like “Sorry man, we weren’t really watching.”

Poor Tom. He could probably lower his handicap a few notches if we all paid better attention to his shots. And that’s the interesting thing with golf, isn’t it? Sometimes a helping hand (or in this case, a helping set of eyes) can mean the difference between a par or a triple bogie.

A few years back, Stinky Golfer Pete, in an amazing stroke of genius, invented the PAF rule. This rule basically levels the playing field for average golfers – it removes any advantage pro tour players have due to the conditions they play in.

This includes things like a do-over in a trap where the sand is rock-hard (on the pro tour, it would be nice and fluffy). Or more appropriately for this post, a lost ball that would have inevitably been found by someone in the gallery of a tour stop.

For example, let’s say you hit your drive right of the fairway and into some tall grass. On the pro tour, a marshal or spectator would probably have located your ball almost immediately (perhaps even sooner if it hit them)!

But on a random weekend at the local muni, you will have no such luck. That ball will most likely be lost and your score will pay the price. Unless, of course, you have someone in your foursome like Stinky Golfer Tom.

So let me make a promise right here and now: I will, from now on, always try to pay attention when someone hits – because a ball found directly translates to a happier round.

My Dog Sniffs My Balls…Golf Balls That Is.

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I think I’m on to something here. First of all, how many of you are sick and tired of losing your ball but swear that you watched exactly where your ball landed? It’s ridiculous, no? It’s not like the local track is going to pay to have field marshals out there. How can I cut down on the balls I lose?

Well, there’s a term we use at Golfstinks called the Pro Advantage Factor or PAF for short. It basically means pro’s have an advantage when it comes to errant shots because the spectators or marshals usually find the ball. You see, I want to equal that playing ground and give us average hacks an opportunity to shave some strokes.

This is why I think we should have ball sniffing dogs on the course. There are so many good reasons I don’t know where to begin. Let’s see, for starters we can train rescue dogs. They deserve a good home and a chance at life. Dog wages are a lot cheaper than human wages and they rarely talk back. Canines do their job and are happy to do it. The piles of doggy poo can be used as fertilizer. Not to mention it would be pretty damn cool to have a dog sniff out your ball. I would probably golf more if that was available to me. 

How realistic is this? Well, I’m really not sure. People scoffed at Edison when he presented the lightbulb. The Wright brothers took their share of disses. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not re-inventing the wheel but I’m bringing two things together that I think would compliment each other. Imagine actually finding your ball after 95% of your shots (the other 5%…well, nothing we can do about water). Just my $0.02…


Hit’em long…yell FORE!!! 

Knock Strokes off your Score Instantly with the PAF Rule!

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Golf is a lot easier when someone carries your bag

I was laying on my couch yesterday recovering from Saturday night’s “therapy” session at the ol’ watering hole and I had a game altering revelation – the PAF Rule!

You see, I was watching the Golf Channel because a) the remote was too far away and b) I was zoning-out rather than really watching when this infomercial came on guaranteeing straighter and longer drives, lower scores, lower handicaps, better sex life, all for 20 installments of $19.95…you know the one.

Anyway, I cleared the fog out my head and started thinking of ways I can lower my score without lifting a finger (Hey, call me lazy but I like to refer to myself as super efficient).

I said to myself “If I had a gallery of spectators and a couple of field marshal’s to see where my ball landed, I would never lose a ball again…for the most part.” Seriously, how many times have you smacked the snot out of a drive or hit a nice iron and can’t find it. You swear to every religious figure that the ball landed right there and *poof* it magically disappeared. Do you see where I’m going with this?

On average, I would say my ball “magically” disappears a couple times a round, and since I don’t draw the masses when I hit the links, nor is there a field marshal to be found (at least where I play), I’ve decided to call this the “Pro Advantage Factor” or PAF. An automatic -2 off my score. Why not?

Doesn’t the PAF justify it? Everyone’s PAF could be different depending on how many balls you “magically” lose. I mean the better you are the less help you need, right? So why do pro’s have people helping them find their balls?

We stinky ones need all the help we can get. More PARS with PAF, that’s what I say! This should play right along with the rules. Barring O.B., the next time you hit a Houdini don’t sweat it, play the PAF card.

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