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I Cheat At Golf And I’m O.K. With It.

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Stinky Golfer Pete taking a Mulligan - is this a cheat?(photo by Greg D'Andrea)
Stinky Golfer Pete taking a Mulligan – is this a cheat? (photo by Greg D’Andrea)

Under normal circumstances I try my best to live as ethically and morally correct as possible. Of course ethics and morality can be subjective but I’m referring to it as what society deems normal ethical and moral practices.

You know, I try not to rob banks, swindle old people out of money or “sample” produce at the grocery store. I prefer to have as little on my conscious as possible.

Then there’s golf. Without trying or thinking about it I cheat at least 2-3 times a round. Why? I have no friggin’ idea. The rules are clear and in place and I’m well aware of them but I choose to break them to my advantage and that’s fine with me.  I made a quick list off the top of my head of my problem areas.

  1. Lost ball – No, I do not hit a provisional nor do I re-tee. I drop the ball where I think it should be.
  2. Play it as it lies – Right after I improve the lie.
  3. Picking up the ball on the fairway (or in the rough) to clean it or check to see if it’s mine – Can’t play with dirty balls…especially if they are not mine.
  4. The gimme – Anything within a clubs length of the hole is good in my book.
  5. Grounding clubs – Come on man, we’re not on the tour.
  6. Taking someone else’s ball – Thought it was mine…honest mistake.
  7. Mulligan/Breakfast ball – Mr. Mulligan said I get a re-do.

This is what I’ve got so far. I know we’ve covered this before but I’m pretty sure there are a lot of other hacks out there that have these issues as well. It’s o.k., we are only human. I believe Alexander Pope said “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” That being said, I forgive myself for erring and look forward to another divine round.

Hit’em long…yell FORE!!!

Are You Playing Winter Rules Or Simply Cheating?

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If you’re playing golf in this weather, you have to ask yourself: “Why?” (Photo via Pixabay)

It’s Sunday night and I just finished the second round of shoveling during what is currently the largest snowstorm of the winter so far.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I actually just watched my kids handle the second round of shoveling. But I handled the first round. And I’ll also be handling the third. Further, I’m sure I’ll handle all of the remaining shoveling from here on out.

But, while I was out during round 1, in order to attempt to make the process a little less mundane, I had to try to work something sports-related into the process. So of course, golf is the way to go. A snowball perched on top of a small mound does the trick. I gotta tell you…I hit some memorable shots out there today.

It was when I began to freeze my ass off and noticed I was accomplishing nothing when I realized people actually do this! By “this” I don’t mean shovel. I mean golf…In the snow! As if the sport isn’t challenging enough, some choose to do it in wintry conditions! But why? Why would someone subject themselves to these torturous conditions? Because they’re cheaters, that’s why!

Now why would I say something like that? Well it’s simple really. Ever hear the term “winter rules” or “preferred lies?” Of course you have. But is it just me, or do both terms sound a bit, oh…I don’t know…made up? Well guess what, they are! Neither of these terms actually exist anywhere in any of the rules of golf. So when you see that sign outside of your local course stating “Winter Rules In Effect Today,” it’s nothing more than a license to cheat. It means only to kick, move or place your ball just about anywhere you would like on the course!

“Winter rules” are just a local rule. But I hesitate to call it a “rule” since there really is no clear definition. Yeah, I could state some of the “guidelines,” but what good would that really do? If there are no actual rules and a feeble attempt at putting down some guidelines, then there’s no other way to describe it other than permission to cheat.

So now that I’ve established that, only one question remains – If the question of whether or not “winter rules”are or are not in effect, what the hell are you doing on the course to begin with?

Do Cheaters Ever Win?

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Let’s say you’re on the last hole. You currently stand at 84 and have never before broken 90. You’re on a par-5 and launched your drive into the woods, but not OB. Out of sight of the rest of your group, you flub your next shot and it manages to bounce only a couple of feet in front of you. Now you’re about to hit your third shot, you’re still in the woods and you realize there’s now no chance of breaking 90. Or, is there?

Sure, there’s always the chance you could pull some miracle shot out from between your cheeks. But you also know that it would take a miracle just for the chance to make that miracle happen. So instead, you take a second to look around, see that no one saw your screw-up…and you hit again. Perfect! You’re back out on the fairway, and as far as anyone knows, it only took you two to get there. Now, you have a realistic chance of breaking 90. But, do you really?

Without a doubt, cheating happens in golf all the time, but I have to wonder why? Take the example above. Sure, your scorecard is going to show an 89; your buddies think you broke that elusive 90. But you know the truth. You know you didn’t do it. So what’s the benefit really? One number on a scorecard? Is that it?

I want to say I understand in a situation like that. But I don’t. I mean, did it win you a bet? Did it win you a tournament? Did it do anything significant? Or is it just something you can tell a story about…even if it is a lie? No matter what the reason, it isn’t good enough.

Everyone always says that you play the game of golf against yourself. Everytime you go out there, you try to beat your best. So, by knocking strokes off of your score that shouldn’t be knocked off…aren’t you just cheating yourself?

Look, I’m no angel out on the course. I don’t play golf 100% by the rules. I don’t carry a rule book around in my pocket or in my bag. I don’t study or memorize the rules either. As a matter of fact, I’ve never so much as looked at the rule book. I hit the ball, walk to it, hit it again. I keep doing this, more or less, until the ball is in the hole. I probably violate a rule here and there. Maybe I move a stick I’m not supposed to move. Maybe that’s cheating. Whatever. The one thing I have never done, intentionally anyway, is not count a stroke. Really now, is the difference between my 102 or 101 that big a deal? What would that one stroke do for me? Especially considering I know I cheated?

There will always be cheaters, no matter the sport; no matter the reason. But I promise, I will not be one of them. How could I ever take my game seriously if I can just write on the card whatever score I feel like writing? So everyone can take it to the bank – if you’re playing a round with me, you will beat me fair and square. You can count on a fair game from me.

Unless we’re playing for money…

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