GolfStinks

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A Golf Course Is Like Pizza…

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I don’t know how anyone else feels about this, but to me there are certain foods of which a good meal isn’t much different than a bad one. Chinese, especially take-out, comes to mind. A bad plate of Gong Bao Chicken and a good plate of Gong Bao Chicken are not all that different.

Mexican is another. Now don’t get me wrong…I’ve had some really bad Chinese and Mexican dishes, and I’ve had some really good Chinese and Mexican dishes. I’m saying, in general, there’s not a big difference.

But even though you know of a certain restaurant that may serve up some of those below-par dishes, you still go to them in a pinch. For me, it’s pizza. I love pizza. I can have pizza three times a week and it’s OK with me. But unfortunately, since I moved out of the New Haven, Connecticut area, I just can’t find a good pie anywhere locally. I apologize to everyone around me now, but the pizza places you’ve recommended to me with that “great sauce” or “good pepperoni” – I’m sorry and I’m sure I’ve been spoiled by being so close to the famous Pepe’s and Modern pizzerias for years, but…your recommendation? It sucked.

But I have kids. And packing them into the car to drive 40 minutes for pizza every time we want it? It’s just not realistic. So we settle for the crappy pizzas we find around here. They’re not good, but they’re good enough to satisfy a craving.

For me, golf is the same way. Sometimes, I just want to play. Yeah, I want to play a nice course whenever I can. But at the same time, I don’t always have the time or the money to play the nicest courses around. So, I settle for playing some courses that wouldn’t be considered top-tier. But, like the pizza, it’s OK because I’m still playing golf.

That’s what it’s all about. I don’t so much care where I play, I just care that I do. Of course I’d prefer to play the nicest courses all the time, who wouldn’t? But for most of us, that’s just not possible. It costs more money to play the nicer courses. For some of us, it takes more time because these courses may not be local. I have a nice course only ten minutes away, but it’s pricey…so I won’t be there all the time (not that I want to play the same course all the time anyway).

But the bright side to this is the chance to discover and play a wide variety of courses throughout the state. Unheralded courses. Courses that fly below the radar. Courses that I would normally never play if I just focused on certain others. Some may not understand this. Some may not understand why anyone would want to play these courses when there are better available. And that’s fine. I just prefer the variety. I prefer playing different courses. This is why I’m not a member at any one.

Yeah, sometimes I have to settle. But am I really? Sure, I’m not at the greatest course in the world, but I’m doing what I set out to do…play golf. Maybe I’m not being waited on hand-and-foot, but I’m here to play golf…not to pass out tips and have my ass kissed. Maybe the scenery isn’t as great as it could be, but I’m not exactly looking at a demilitarized zone either. I’m playing golf, and that’s all that I set out to do. So I’m happy.

So how is a golf course like pizza? Even when it’s bad…it’s still pretty good.

Swing ’til you’re happy.

Why Golf, Why?

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Ok, so I have another issue with this torture-inflicting game called golf that I love so much – our relationship. It’s true, we are suckers for abuse. The worse you treat us the more difficult it is to stay away.

You know that friend you may have secretly liked but they were so wrapped up in a crappy relationship with an abusive a-hole and everybody saw it except them? Well, I’m the friend and golf is the abusive a-hole.
I went and checked out some classic signs of a bad relationship and it’s just as I suspected:

  • Lack of Trust – How do you trust someone (or thing) that lets you down a lot? Hey, I know I could practice more but, WTF. How about showing some love once in a while? Maybe a kick towards the fairway instead of the woods.
  • Disrespect – Not treating the other person like they are important. Golf, do you know how it feels when all I do is try to take care of you and in return you do stuff like give me 10 on a par 3?
  • Fear of Change – I can’t change now. I’ve invested too much into this already, plus softball messes with my swing.
  • Physical or Emotional Abuse – Do I need to go here?
But wait, there is good news! With a little help, we can develop a healthy, happy relationship with golf once again. It may take a little time but we can do it. Get back in that driver’s seat and own what’s yours! Who wears the knickers in this relationship…? That’s right – we do!

Personally, I look to players like Phil Mickelson and John Daly for inspiration. These guys have had their share of ups and downs. They should be counselors with all the real life experience they have. If there’s one thing I can take away from all of this – it’s to have fun. Don’t sweat the small stuff and enjoy your time together.
Hit’em long…yell FORE! Don’t get whipped…

In Case Of Emergency, Pop Trunk

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So if you’re like me and you drive a smaller sports car, you understand trunk space is at a premium. I remember one occasion when I was picking my wife up from the airport. She had two bags with her (Insert your favorite mother-in-law joke here).

Problem was, I forgot to take my golf clubs out of the trunk. Uh-oh. There’s no way the larger of the two bags (Insert your second favorite mother-in-law joke here) was going to fit. Luckily, I do have a backseat. It’s a bit of a tight squeeze, but it is a backseat nonetheless. So after a bit of a fight with the larger of the two bags (again…joke) we were on our way home; disaster averted.

My wife doesn’t understand why my clubs were in the trunk anyway, considering I hadn’t played recently and had no plans to play again soon. I try to explain to her that you never know where you’re going to be when a round of golf breaks out. So it’s best to be prepared. She thinks I’m an idiot. She’s probably right.

Now when I say my trunk is small, I mean it’s small. It’s so small in fact, there is actually a diagram on the underside of the trunk lid showing how to fit two golf bags in there! I guess somehow the great minds at Infiniti must have know this car would eventually find it’s way into a golfers driveway!

But the fact that a diagram showing golf bags in my trunk exists at all is what I find astonishing. The diagram does not explain how to fit luggage in the trunk, although I wish it did. Instead, it shows two golf bags. So obviously, some research went into finding out how many people travel with golf clubs in the trunk. And considering the diagram found its way into my car…I guess it was a relatively high number.

Now it’s not just the clubs themselves that take up the space – it’s the shoes, the umbrella, a couple of boxes of balls and whatever other random things are in there. Throw all of that crap into one small space, and you can see how disorganized it can get. Anyone else have this problem? Well how about this for a solution – don’t pick your wife up from the airport!

Sorry honey; just kidding. Seriously though, finding a solution to this problem would be pretty great, right? Finding it cheaply would be even better. But finding it on a website better known for selling dining tables would be completely unexpected! But sure enough, here it is:


Pretty sweet, eh? I can squeeze just about every golf accessory I have, short of my clubs, into that one convenient package. And no kidding…it’s just a click away while surfing http://www.diningroomsdirect.com/.

See, that site is a branch of http://www.csnstores.com/. They have just about everything you can shop for on that site – furniture, household goods, clothing and yes, golf accessories. If you’re on the dining room site, you just click the tab at the top that says “view all 200 csn stores” and then search “golf trunk” on that page. I’ve done it for you HERE.

Not bad for under $60! But you know what could make it better? What if it was free?! Well, for one lucky Golfstinks reader, it can be. As with all of our great Golf Stinks blog giveaways, simply head over to our Facebook page and “like” us. That’s it! That’s all you have to do to enter! We’ll then randomly choose one lucky winner, and we’ll be in touch!

One warning though – once you have this thing, you no longer have any excuses for allowing your trunk to look as bad as it does. You no longer have the ability to say “I’m sorry honey, there’s no way that will fit in my trunk. We’ll have to take your car.” And you will certainly have no excuse for leaving any bags (you know what to do here) sitting on the airport curb.

Swing ’til you’re happy!

*Update – In response to the comment asking if the diagram on the inside of my trunk actually exists, here you go! I couldn’t believe it when I saw it either…

Golf for Free?

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With a steady decline of tee-times being filled and empty courses during the week, it was only a matter of time before the ol’ proverbial “For Sale” sign would hang on the front lawn of our beloved local tracks.


I’m sure the recent rise in unemployment and this f%$#in’ “recession” might have something to do with it. You would think if you’re not working than there’s more time to golf, right? Well, last time I checked I think you need money to do that.

So, as usual I strapped on the thinking cap and charged it with beer…I mean “smart juice” – a whole twelve pack of it. For some reason, the more I drink the smarter I get…or at least I think I do. Moving on, I did some research and found out that, just like in the housing market, some golf courses were being repossessed and up for public auction while others were having short sales. Could this possibly be a good time to invest?

Basically you would have to weigh the pro’s and con’s. Obviously, a pro would be that you golf for free. If you’re able to grab a golf course for half-a-mil or less and figure the average round costs $45, it would virtually pay for itself in like…11…thousand…rounds…yeah…right. Ok, maybe I would have to invite some friends or something. Whatta you know, another check in the pro column – I would be the coolest friend in the world!


Supposedly, as of a few years ago there were around 200 courses for sale. That’s a lot of land! I wonder what would happen if this trend keeps up? I do know a lot of courses have been cutting their greens fees significantly, as well as reducing membership dues to attract more members. If I had the money to invest in a course I definitely would. My justification would be part financial strategy and part love for the game. So any uber rich golf lovers – please take note: The idea of an empty and weed infested golf course just doesn’t sit well with me.

Hit’em long…yell FORE! Save a course.

Do you want your Driver? No, he’s not my Type.

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The last time I carried a driver in my golf bag: Bill Clinton was impeached, Titanic was number one at the box office and Seinfeld’s famed last episode had just aired. The year was 1998. I was a young, strapping 23-year-old and my driver was a Taylor Made Bubble Burner (see stock photo to the left).

I remember spending at least $300 on the club. I walked into the local golf store, pulled it off the rack, made sure it was right handed and walked to the checkout line. Hey, everybody knew Taylor Made produced quality clubs – that was all the justification I needed.

When I hit it correctly, I could launch one about 280 straight down the fairway (perhaps 300 with the wind at my back). The problem was, hitting “correctly” calculated out to about one shot in every ten. With those odds, I was losing balls by the boat-load.

After just one season, I sold it to an acquaintance…Come to think of it, I don’t even remember who it was. Anyway, for the next 11 years I teed-off with a myriad of clubs: 3-woods, 5-woods, 2-irons, 3-irons and most recently a 17-degree hybrid.

I’ve probably had the most success with the 5-wood and the hybrid. But both of those clubs left me with a long approach on many par 4’s and getting home in two on par 5’s was completely out of the question. So last season I realized I had enough…I was tired of handicapping myself. Thus, I decided that 2010 would be the year I went back to using a driver off the tee.

Spurred on in part by Stinky Golfer Chris’ custom club fitting, I decided to get fitted for a new driver. Unlike Chris however, I didn’t have a sweet deal to get fitted at a local pro shop gratis. Instead, I was going to take my chances on a major retail chain. But as soon I stepped in the simulator at Golf Galaxy*, the annoyance started. The 20-year-old employee doing swing analysis could care less about helping me – he just wanted me to buy his favorite club. After I hit a few balls at the screen, the kid moved me aside so he could show me HIS swing. Now, why would I care about HIS swing? Was I going to pay HIM to tee-off for me on the course? The fact that he was hitting it 330 down the middle was enticing, but more annoying than anything.

Needless to say, I left there and headed up the street to Dick’s Sporting Goods. That’s where I met Ralph. Ralph’s a PGA Professional and works in the golf department at Dick’s (now Dick’s is not paying me a cent for this, but it was really refreshing to learn there’s a PGA/LPGA Pro in all of their stores). Anyway, Ralph put me in the simulator and watched me hit a few balls. Soon, I was trying two or three different clubs and after about 10 minutes, Ralph prescribed a driver with a stiff-flex shaft and a 10.5 degree loft. And about 10 minutes after that, I had found my club.

Funny. The club I hit the best was a 2009 Taylor Made Tour Burner – I had come full-circle. But would it perform out on the course any better than my old Bubble Burner? Well, since it was last year’s model, it only cost me $150 (50% less than my previous driver), so I’ve got that going for me already.

But the best news is I’ve played about 72 holes with it so far and I’m hitting the damn thing pretty good! I’m in the fairway about 30% of the time and just missing (short rough) about 40% of the time. That means I’m in play about 70% of the time – and that’s saying allot for me! I’ve lost some distance over the years (knocking it out there about 265-275, depending on the wind) but I’ll take accuracy over distance any day.

So after years of saying “no” to my driver, It seems I’ve got a renewed relationship with one. But like all romances, only time will tell if it’s a keeper. Thanks to Ralph over at Dick’s Sporting Goods for the advice and patience – while I still stink at this game, he’s helped me stink just a tad bit less.

*It should be noted that Golf Stinks was once an affiliate of Golf Galaxy. This does not change the fact that we here at Golf Stinks call it like we see it. This one particular employee of this one particular Golf Galaxy store was a complete douche. However, in no way does Stinky Golfer Greg mean to imply that all Golf Galaxy employees are douches.

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