GolfStinks

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Ghosts, Goblins and Golf

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There are a few times in golf when you might have the crap scared out of you.

1. Hitting a shot and then realizing it is headed right at another golfer.

2. Being on the receiving end of #1.

3. Playing on a haunted golf course.

With the latter in mind and being in the Halloween spirit, I thought it would be interesting to explore some more haunted golf courses. Last year, Stinky Golfer Chris covered some with his frightening post and this year I wanted to continue. We’ll go from the U.S. to overseas and take a look at some of these spooky tracks.

Many consider New Orleans to be a haunted city and what a great place to start. City Park Golf Course in N’awlins has seen its share of apparitions and ghosts. Stinky Golfer Chris mentioned the paranormal activity on the 18th green of the East course but, how about the the spirit of a murdered woman on the South Course? The next time you hear “Who dat say dey gonna beat dem Saints?” Think twice…

Moving around the south we encounter courses that were built on old plantations and perhaps slave graveyards. Not to mention possible native burial grounds. These sacred final resting spots should have been left alone but the chance to make a buck over-ruled, such as Willow Brook Plantation in South Carolina.

Across the pond at perhaps the most famous golf course in the world, St. Andrews is also home to Martyr’s Monument. The site, right behind the 18th green, on the Old Course where five Protestants were burned at the stake some 500 years ago. Was that cool breeze you just felt coming off the North Sea…or was it coming from something else?

Moving on to the land of kangaroos and shrimp on the barbie, we come to Mt. Lawley Golf Club in Perth, Australia. This course has a hole named “Satan’s Elbow”. And somewhere around that area a man named Michael Oakleigh, as legend has it, committed suicide. Double whammy, not only is the hole named Satan’s elbow, some guy offed himself there too. I think I’ll skip this hole.

This next story is a dead on (pun intended) match for Golfstinks.com! Apparently, Grande Oaks Golf Club (the old Rolling Hills Golf Club where they filmed Caddyshack) and some other South Florida courses seem to be the place where golfers are encountering the ghost of Ted Knight, a.k.a Judge Smails.

How great is that? If I had to go to a haunted place, I would want the ghost to be Judge Smails. Gambling might have been illegal at Bushwood but no one said anything about haunting it…

Hit’em long…yell FORE!!!

Golf And Morality.

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Most of us know that golf is a pretty honorable game. We’ve seen pro’s call penalty’s on themselves when they could have gotten away with it. Not for nothing, it makes me wonder how much they actually did get away with. We’ve also seen that amongst amateurs as well. The image golf portrays is that of honesty and an overall sense of doing the right thing.

What I want to know is: Do we carry these morals and ethics of golf into real life? I’d like to think so. Generally, we are good people. Why wouldn’t we be? So, to really answer that question I’ve devised a little questionnaire to help us hacks pin-point what kind of person we are. Let’s begin.

1) Where were you the day your child was born?

A. With the mother of our child.
B. At the bar.
C. At the golf course.


(If you are the mother and answered B or C…you are a trooper and my hero!)

2) Where were you on your child’s 1st birthday?

A. With the kid.
B. At the bar.
C. At the golf course.

3) Where were you on your wedding day?

A. With my spouse.
B. At the bar.
C. At the golf course.

If you answered A to all of the questions, you are a good person and golf is proud to have you as a member of it’s community.

If you answered B to all of the questions…you need help.

If you answered C to all of the questions, you are an avid golfer and an asshole.

Hit’em long…Yell FORE!!!

The Benefits Of Stinking At Golf.

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How can this be you ask yourself? What “benefits” are there to stinking at golf? Well, I’m glad you asked. There are many benefits to being a hack, you just haven’t realized them yet and they cover a broad spectrum from physical and mental health to financial success.

Everybody knows walking a golf course is very good for the ol’ ticker. Now, throw in the fact that we stink and we’ve just added more walking because we can’t hit straight for s#%@. Bonus, extra exercise! As we’re walking and doing the cardio thing, chances are we’re not alone. Our fellow hacks are right by our side which leads to the next benefit, camaraderie and socialization.

As we enjoy our round of army golf with Lewis & Clark, our stress levels are actually dropping. Take into consideration the walking while engaging in conversation and the laughs that go with it because you know someone is bound to do something funny. Without knowing it, we are putting reality on hold while we immerse ourselves into this game we love.

The more we get out there and stink at golf, the better we’re going to feel. The better we feel, the better we perform at other things, i.e. our jobs, relationships. With that in mind, success is bound to come financially, mentally and physically. Plus the more you suck, the higher your handicap which could make for some interesting gambling opportunities…but you didn’t hear it from me.

Hit’em long…yell FORE!!

Golfing With The Man…

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Who knew that a golf course was a place for the feds to gather crucial intel to crack a case? After thinking about it, a golf course has definitely been a place where deals are struck…legal or not. At a recent get together, a retired fed I know (we’ll call him Fred, the…fed) told us quite the interesting story about an unnamed “family” member they followed on a local track.

Here’s how it was set up. The mobster they were watching had a 9 or 10 o’clock tee time. Somehow the feds were able to get a twosome to tee-off right before and a twosome to tee-off right behind this guy. I could only imagine how they made those tee times. Mind you this was a pretty exclusive course.

Moving forward, they all tee off and start working their way around. As they are observing the perp they couldn’t help but notice that this guy is absolutely tearing up the course. He eagles two holes on the front nine and almost aces a par 3. Fred radios back to the trailing group “I almost feel bad for this guy, he’s probably shooting the round of his life and little does he know it’s all about to end.” One of the agents radio back “Screw him! I got 4 snowmen and I broke my putter!”

You know, I feel a lot better knowing our taxes are going to helping these guys improve their golf game. It must be nice…

Hit’em long…yell FORE!!!

Golf Questions Answered…Part Dos!

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More Q & A that will undoubtably hurt your golf game...
More Q & A that will undoubtably hurt your golf game…

After receiving such positive feedback from my previous post “Golf Questions Answered…The Golfstinks.com Way.” It’s only right that I continue to help my fellow hacks with a follow-up and answer more of your questions. I’m so glad that my vast knowledge is coming in handy once again.

Let’s get it on!

Q: What degree wedge should I play with?
A: You should really avoid playing with wedges at any degree…mild, moderate or severe. They are intrusive, uncomfortable and can cause chafing. Thank you Caddyshack 2…

Q: What’s the best hybrid?
A: That’s kind of a subjective question. The best thing is to figure out how much you want to spend and then take one out for a test drive. I’m liking the effort to go green man.

Q: I just got into an argument with a buddy of mine over this: Is it illegal to pick up your ball, clean it and replace it while on the fairway?
A: Dude, hell yeah it’s illegal! Ummm, hello? I believe that’s called public indecency. Scrub the fellas in the privacy of your own home please.

Q: Would you recommend a Medicus?
A: No, I would recommend a doctor-us. Roman empire-era medical practices are a little barbaric. Stupidus questionus.

Q: How can I tell if my shaft is stiff enough?
A: Well, your shot distance and club head speed will dictate where you need to be. Your golf pro would be better suited to help with that. Or…ask your significant other ;).

That wraps up round 2. I hope you all found this to be a nice learning experience. Thanks again for the support and I’m looking forward to round 3!

Hit’em long…yell FORE!

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