There comes a point in your golfing life when you forget what it’s like to be a “newbie” at this game. Last week I received a text from a buddy whom I’ve never known to play golf. He had just come from the driving range and was asking me a few questions (I should have known right then and there he wasn’t sure what he was doing).

Anyway, he’s texting me about this terrible slice he has and proceeds to explain he hit 3 large buckets of balls but was unable to correct the problem. Suddenly I could care less about his slice. This guy – who hasn’t swung a club in who knows how long – just hit three large buckets of balls! If I hit three large buckets of range balls in one sitting, my spine would fall out.

Look, there’s only two types of people who hit that many practice balls at once: Tour Pros and Newbies. I rarely hit range balls before a round, but even if I do, it’s usually one small bucket. When I go to the range, maybe I hit one large bucket (and usually don’t finish it). But three? Newbie.

My buddy’s text conversation, coupled with Stinky Golfer Chris’ post the other day about taking his son out on the course for the first time, got me thinking about other new golfer traits. One is not using a tee on a par three. Remember doing this? The logic here is since you don’t tee-it-up when you use an iron in the fairway, why can’t you hit-it-off the deck on a par three? This is totally a newbie trait. Once you do that a few times, you’ll inevitably get paired with someone who will tell you there’s always an advantage to using a tee – so you should use one whenever you can. Even after I learned this information, it was still hard for me to start using a tee on a par 3 – it was like I felt special since I was doing something no one else did…of course, no one else did it because it’s a dumb idea.

Remember when you didn’t know what a slope rating was (if you still don’t know, click HERE)? How about a course rating? You’d see these strange numbers on the scorecard and think: A 69.7, what the hell does that mean? Is that what I’m supposed to shoot here? I’m a newbie, how can I shoot…Oh wait, there’s also a 129 listed – yeah, that’s more like it.”

How about this one; I’ve actually seen newbies tee-up their ball outside of the tee-markers…like it doesn’t matter where you put the ball, as long as it’s close to either of those big white blocks of wood. Sometimes they will put it about 4 or 5 yards in front of where the ball markers are. Funny, you’d think this would be the first thing they are taught – that your ball goes in between these markers.

OK, this may not just be a newbie trait, but what about the people that will walk into all types of thickets, thorns, poison ivy, etc., just to retrieve their ball. If you’re a newbie, not going though lengths to find a lost ball is a hard thing to deal with – after all, you know how much each of those balls costs and after only one drive, you can’t imagine parting with it. Heck, that’s why you purchased that ball retriever (which seems to find its way out of your bag more times than the 6-iron).

This is one of my personal favorites because my father (who took-up the game after I had already been playing for a few years) was guilty of this: Some newbie’s develop an affinity for certain clubs, while at the same time they begin to shy-away from other clubs. My dad loved his 8-iron. He would (and still does sometimes) hit that iron from almost anywhere within 150 yards. Contrary to the love for his 8-iron, he despised his 9-iron. I know it doesn’t make any logical sense, but I’ll be damned if every time I convinced him to hit that club, he would shank the ball into the next fairway. To this day, my dad still won’t use his nine – at this point, he should just take it out of his bag and lighten his load.

Not don’t get me wrong – I love golf newbies – they are the future of the game and as veteran players, we should be obliged to take one under our wing (even if it’s just to point out all the silly things they do on the course). In fact, I promised my three-bucket buddy I’m ready to hit the course with him ASAP (well, as soon as his blisters heal – see photo).