GolfStinks

A Golf Blog for the Rest of Us!

Golf Stinks, but this is Ridiculous…

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Apparently the state of Illinois has a skunk problem. So much so, The Wall Street Journal decided to publish an article about it yesterday (on page A7 no less – must have been a slow news day).

What piqued my interest though was the sub-headline that this plethora of pee-yew is also affecting local golf courses. It seems “the skunks tear up the courses while digging for grubs.”

The publication interviewed one animal control professional who was hired by the courses to remove the critters. This guy proudly claimed to have taken out (e.g. shot dead) nearly 30 skunks on two courses (apparently this is totally legal in Illinois).

Can you picture this guy maneuvering covertly around the course a la Carl Spackler? According to the article, he would stalk his prey on the course and once he spotted his target, he would hop “out of a small SUV and shoot them with a .22-caliber rifle.”

Geesh! What’s next? Dropping C-4 explosives into their burrows and taking cover? You know, not for nothing, but I don’t see anyone out there blasting away at the Canadian Geese that are on the course – I mean, there’s way more of them roaming around and for goodness sake, they’re actually shitting all over the fairways and greens!

Alright, so maybe we can’t just go around knocking-off gaggles of geese. But I’ll tell you one golf course pest we should be looking into…Does anyone know what a Cicada Killer is?

OK, maybe you’ve heard of Cicadas – those large bugs that leave their shell behind on trees and make that annoying noise on summer evenings? Well, there’s a type of wasp that specifically hunts them, and it’s called a Cicada Killer.

These things are freaky – they look like gigantic bees (probably 1.5 to 2.5 inches in length). Anyway, these guys burrow in holes in the ground, and golf courses are a favorite haunt of theirs – especially in the sand traps and on the greens. I’ve personally seen them on a few local courses up here in Connecticut and while it’s rare they sting humans, they’re still scary as hell in person. Check out this video of Cicada Killers on a golf course.

But let’s get back to the skunk issue in Illinois for a moment. It seems our malodorous mammal friends are not just invading the Prairie State. Earlier this year, they also infested a neighborhood and golf course in Tennessee. To make matters worse, the golf course (Fox Den County Club) was getting ready to host a Nationwide Tour event: “‘The last thing we really need out here is a skunk problem,’ said course superintendent Scott Severance.”

Well Scott, I guess you could convince the owners to change the course name to Skunk Den Country Club (ba-dum-DUM). Seriously though – you golfers be careful out there…

The Benefits Of Stinking At Golf.

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How can this be you ask yourself? What “benefits” are there to stinking at golf? Well, I’m glad you asked. There are many benefits to being a hack, you just haven’t realized them yet and they cover a broad spectrum from physical and mental health to financial success.

Everybody knows walking a golf course is very good for the ol’ ticker. Now, throw in the fact that we stink and we’ve just added more walking because we can’t hit straight for s#%@. Bonus, extra exercise! As we’re walking and doing the cardio thing, chances are we’re not alone. Our fellow hacks are right by our side which leads to the next benefit, camaraderie and socialization.

As we enjoy our round of army golf with Lewis & Clark, our stress levels are actually dropping. Take into consideration the walking while engaging in conversation and the laughs that go with it because you know someone is bound to do something funny. Without knowing it, we are putting reality on hold while we immerse ourselves into this game we love.

The more we get out there and stink at golf, the better we’re going to feel. The better we feel, the better we perform at other things, i.e. our jobs, relationships. With that in mind, success is bound to come financially, mentally and physically. Plus the more you suck, the higher your handicap which could make for some interesting gambling opportunities…but you didn’t hear it from me.

Hit’em long…yell FORE!!

The Road To The PGA Championship

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It’s Sunday afternoon and me and a couple buddies are watching my Patriots finish off the Jets, their biggest and most hated rival. During the game, we’re talking about some other teams (one of the guys is a Cowboys fan and the other is a Vikings fan) and some other sports – namely the MLB playoffs.

It’s during these discussions that I start to consider the regular season schedules and playoff scenarios of the major sports in the U.S. For some reason, I compare this to golf, particularly, the PGA Tour.

Back in February I wrote a post about the need for a real PGA Championship. The question remaining though was, how do you get there? Is the final tournament based on the world golf rankings? Is it based on the money leaders? Hopefully not. But if not either of these, what then? Well, I’ve added another idea to the mix, but it would require a radical change.

Currently, we play Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday tournaments. At the end of the tournament we emerge with one winner. But what if we used those days to play a series of one-on-one matches? What if a player could emerge from a weekend with a record, say 3-1, rather than finish “16th, nine shots back.” What if, rather than a money list or a ranking system that no one understands, there were actual golf “standings” with a win-loss-tie record?

I’m sorry but, whether you are a golf purist or not, I feel like I’m onto something here. Imagine opening up the sports page of your local newspaper or checking the standing on your favorite sports/golf website, and instead of seeing Luke Donald is #1 on the money list at $5,837,214.50 with Webb Simpson in second trailing by $68,971, you this:

PGA Tour Standings

Luke Donald 52-35-4

Webb Simpson 48-36-7

Nick Watney 47-36-8

Etc….

I gotta tell ya, this is a hell of a lot more interesting than looking at a money list. It’s a hell of a lot more interesting than looking at a ranking list. And it sure makes each match mean a lot more when you are working your way toward an actual PGA Championship. Plus on Sundays, when many players are out of reach of the tournament win, this format would give each player a shot at still playing for an individual win rather than an additional $500 or $1000.

Each player becomes, for lack of a better term, a one-man-team. An individual rather than a nameless face in the crowd. Players will have a chance to pull away from the pack to give themselves better playoff seedings. And guys who are lower in the standings have the opportunity to play spoiler.

OK, so it’s still a work in progress. But it’s also a refreshing change to a stale sport. I’ve still got a few kinks to work out, but I’m sure I’m onto something. I know there are going to be plenty who hate this idea. But I also know there will be many who may see some potential. But in the end, all I’m trying to do is come up with some ideas to pump some new life into a great but fading game. And hey, whether you agree with me or not, you sure can’t fault me for that.

Swing ’til you’re happy!

Golfing With The Man…

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Who knew that a golf course was a place for the feds to gather crucial intel to crack a case? After thinking about it, a golf course has definitely been a place where deals are struck…legal or not. At a recent get together, a retired fed I know (we’ll call him Fred, the…fed) told us quite the interesting story about an unnamed “family” member they followed on a local track.

Here’s how it was set up. The mobster they were watching had a 9 or 10 o’clock tee time. Somehow the feds were able to get a twosome to tee-off right before and a twosome to tee-off right behind this guy. I could only imagine how they made those tee times. Mind you this was a pretty exclusive course.

Moving forward, they all tee off and start working their way around. As they are observing the perp they couldn’t help but notice that this guy is absolutely tearing up the course. He eagles two holes on the front nine and almost aces a par 3. Fred radios back to the trailing group “I almost feel bad for this guy, he’s probably shooting the round of his life and little does he know it’s all about to end.” One of the agents radio back “Screw him! I got 4 snowmen and I broke my putter!”

You know, I feel a lot better knowing our taxes are going to helping these guys improve their golf game. It must be nice…

Hit’em long…yell FORE!!!

Chicks? No. Dudes Dig The Long Ball!

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Quick, name five players on the LPGA Tour. Ha! It wasn’t as easy as you thought, was it? Don’t worry, it wasn’t for me either. As a matter of fact, I scrolled down the money leader list and by the time I reached the bottom, a list of about 150 names, I was only familiar with eight or nine of them.

So what’s the problem here? Is it the same as the PGA Tour? Well, yes and no. I guess the actual problem is the same, but how they got there is a bit different.

We all know about the PGA’s player recognition deficiency. And we all know about the lack of player promotion by the PGA, the sponsors and the media. But this problem is compounded for the LPGA by dealing with the problem that any women’s sport deals with. That problem? Simply, it’s not a men’s sport.

Take a look at the WNBA for a second. These women are some of the best female basketball players in the world. The last player on the bench on a WNBA team can destroy me, and most men for that matter, in a game of one-on-one. As a matter of fact, some of the women who have been cut by WNBA teams will destroy most men in a game! But despite the fact that these women can play, the game isn’t as physical (and subsequently isn’t as exciting) as the NBA – and that causes a lack of viewership, a lack of support at the gate and an overall lack of interest.

This same problem transfers over to the LPGA. Forget for a minute the fact that any one of the women on this tour will beat you. But take into account that, again, these are the best female players in the world! But when it comes to viewership, tournament turnout and sponsorships, that’s not what matters. It’s a female sport, so what matters again to viewers (especially male viewers) is the longball.

The old joke was “Chicks dig the longball.” Well, guess what…dudes love the longball as well. This is why guys carry big drivers in their bags. It’s why we watch the long-drive contests when they’re on TV. It’s the reason we watch the Home Run Derby. It’s why we prefer men’s sports over women’s. It’s not right. But that’s the way it is. But what can be done to change this? Actually, is there any way to change it at all? Well, the way I see it there are two. However, one is highly unlikely and the other is just not a good one.

Idea #1 – The media needs to start pushing some women’s sports to the forefront. I understand that this is a long shot, but no one is asking for it to be permanent. It just needs a little more attention. We Americans want to see excitement and physicality. We are not so much interested in the fundamentals, even though they are the foundation of the sports we love. But if ESPN would take the time to make the WNBA Championship games, or women’s golf tournaments a little bit earlier in their broadcasts, it may do something to help attract more attention to sports that deserve it. However, I understand that this is highly unlikely.

Idea #2 – I’ll go on the record as saying that I hate this idea. But it’s an idea nonetheless, and one that has worked in the past. Maybe the LPGA needs to sex it up a bit. Again, I don’t like the idea of using your appearance to somehow boost attention to your sport, but you can’t deny the effect. Looked at women’s tennis. Anna Kournikova became more well known for her looks than her game (or lack thereof). Ever since then, many of the women of tennis are given a fair amount of attention for what they look like. And guess what, it’s been good for viewership and attention to the sport.

Want the perfect example? Think of some of the best women’s soccer players in recent memory – Marta, Mia Hamm, Abby Wambach, Hope Solo. But years from now, just as it is currently, one name will always be remembered right alongside these – Brandi Chastain…and we all know why. That one celebration is now a permanent highlight of any women’s soccer promo. And the stir that moment caused did wonders for the sport. Again, is this the right way to gain attention? Probably not. But will it work?

I guess the bottom line is women’s sports in general, but golf in particular, need a boost and it’s got to come from somewhere. Is the media going to do it? I doubt it. The leagues themselves? I’m sure they’re trying. But if not the media or the leagues, then where? The answer is, it has to come from us, the viewers. But are we going to do it? Well that remains to be seen…

Swing ’til you’re happy!

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