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First Time On The Golf Course

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Photo by Chris Chirico
Photo by Chris Chirico

A few months ago, late last golf season, I wrote about teaching the game to my oldest son. He purchased his own clubs with his birthday money and we hit the range a few times to get some work in before he hit an actual course. Unfortunately, there just wasn’t enough time left in last year’s golf season to ever make it out.So we hit the range a few more times, went to the indoor facility, and worked on our swings over the winter in anticipation of getting out on a course next season. Well, a few days ago, the time finally came.

However, I wondered where and when I was going to take him. Knowing his skill level, it didn’t seem like a great idea to take him out on a weekend morning where we were going to slow down everyone around us. Also, taking him to play 18 on a course with a few 500 yard holes didn’t seem wise yet either. I really wanted to avoid a par-3 course because I wanted him to have some variety on the holes and keep him from getting bored with the game. Then it came to me – an executive course! It’s perfect! I have one right in town. It’s nine holes, none longer than 290 yards but much more variety than a par-3 course. But now the question is, when do we go? Again, I’m trying to avoid slowing down all the golfers around us.

Fortunately, he’s not only a pretty good athlete, he’s also a pretty good student. So after receiving honors at school for the second time this year, I used that to reward him with a day off during the week and a round of golf. His mother wasn’t too happy about him missing a day of school for golf, but I explained that I’m taking him out no matter what. I told her the choices were either we golf or go to the “gentleman’s club.” OK, before anyone freaks out, that’s just a joke. So Friday morning around 11:00, we teed off for the first time.

Photo by Chris Chirico
Photo by Chris Chirico

His opening drive, of course, slices directly into the parallel fairway. We laugh it off and I tell him not to let it bother him – I promised he’ll get to see me do that a few times today also. And I delivered on my promise.

It was amazing to see him progress from hole #1 to hole #9. It was like he was improving right before my eyes. By the time we hit the seventh, his slice was almost gone! There wasn’t much distance to his shots, but they were pretty straight for the most part. His putting left something to be desired, but there’s plenty of time to work on that.

As the round went on, I made sure to teach him not only the rules of the game, but the unwritten rules of etiquette as well. Not wanting to overwhelm him, I tried to fill him in on as we moved along. Simple things like staying quiet during someones swing, not stepping in someones line, etc…

By the end of the round it was clear this is another sport at which, if he sticks with it, he will excel also. Obviously, I gave him some mulligans and didn’t count a drop here and there. But nevertheless his final score, not that it matters, wasn’t too bad. He even managed to beat me on the eighth hole!

The best part about seeing him play, for me anyway, was that he never took it too serious. He didn’t get upset with himself after a bad shot and he didn’t let a bad shot affect his next one. He smiled and laughed throughout the round. He played the game exactly as you would expect a kid to play it, while still trying to do well. As a matter of fact, the most serious I saw him the entire day was when I let him drive the cart for two holes!

We wrapped the day up by talking about the round over a large pizza and a few sodas. We both looked forward to playing again and will certainly do so for, hopefully, many more summers to come. Although, I did let him know, I’m not always going to be easy on him. Mulligans, believe it or not, aren’t an actual part of the game.

Truth is though, I’m going to have to be hard on him to keep him from beating me soon. But something tells me there’s not much I’m going to be able to do about that.

First Golf Round of the New Season…And a Quick Mention of Tiger

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golfing-219993_640OK, so before I get started I guess I have to quickly get into the “Tiger spoke, so I’m obligated to make mention of it” frame of mind. It’s his first actual interview since the show he put on for his statement, and it started out with some promise.

I’m told by the ESPN anchor that this is a “no-holds barred, no question off-limits interview.” Great! That’s kind of what everyone wanted in the first place right? Of course, two of the first three questions were not answered as they were “private matters” for Tiger. There were three questions in total answered this way. I understand they are private matters, and should remain so, but don’t tell me it’s a “no question off-limits” interview if it’s actually not. Well, I guess the questions can be asked…but you’re not necessarily going to get an answer.

But my favorite part of this latest Tiger episode was this exchange:

Tom Rinaldi: Why not seek treatment before all of this came out?
Tiger: I didn’t know I was that bad.
Rinaldi: How did you learn you were that bad?
Tiger: Stripping away denial, stripping away rationalization.

What?! You didn’t know you were that bad? Has anyone else been following this story? Has anyone else seen the text messages that were released? He knew EXACTLY what he was doing. The guy acted like he was on a top-secret, James Bond-like, covert mission for cryin’ out loud! And as for the second question…”stripping away denial, stripping away rationalization” – Hey buddy…you got caught!! Stop making excuses! Just come out and say it – “I didn’t learn…I got caught!!!”

This is not what I wanted to talk about today, but for heaven’s sake, when the most honest man among athletes is Jose Canseco…we have a real problem.

I digress.

What I really wanted to talk about was my first time out on the course this year. See, here in Connecticut, we’ve had about a week’s worth of unseasonably warm temperatures and beautiful days. Mid-to-upper 60’s (even cracking 70 a couple of times), sunny, light breeze…perfect golf weather! Hey, the weather is great, it’s the first day of spring…why not make it the first day of golf also? I can’t remember the last time I played golf in March. Actually, I may have never played this early! So I called up Stinky Golfer Greg to see if he had time to squeeze in nine holes. Lucky for me, he did.

We’re both fired up to get back out there, break-out the sticks, and show this course what we’ve got! But once out there, we’re quickly reminded what the long winter lay-off has done to our games. I’m not a great golfer by any means to begin with, and I went to the range only once during the off-season. Greg didn’t go at all. We’re both out of “golf shape,” and it’s showing. Nevertheless, we pushed on.

By roughly the fourth or fifth hole, we came to realize we are not only out of golf shape, but we haven’t yet shed ourselves of the extra “winter weight” yet. We begin a bit of huffin’ and puffin’. Note to self: For future first-rounds-of-the-season…take a cart.

When all nine holes were said and done…we both played like it was our first time out…ever! But the best part is, neither of us cared. We were out on the course, early in the new season no less, and that was all that really mattered. We didn’t really care all that much what the scorecard told us. It didn’t much matter that, next to Greg’s name, it appeared as if I was writing in binary code a few times. It also didn’t matter that my final tally may have appeared a bit closer to an area code than a golf score. No…what really mattered was being out there in the first place. Nice weather, hanging with a friend, conversation, laughs, clubs in hands, hacking our way through a track. This is what it’s all about.

So here’s to the promise of a new season…and the disappointment it will ultimately render in October.

Swing ’til your happy, friends!

Observations From A Driving Range

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Do driving ranges really help your golf game? (photo by Michael Westley / CC BY 2.0)

Game improvement seems to be a top concern with golfers of all levels. As much as some of us say “We’re only out there to have fun and relax”, there’s still the desire to play well. How strong is that desire? Well, it definitely matters on the person’s will and drive to be better.

Recently, a buddy and I took our clubs out of hibernation and made our way to the local driving range. Here’s where I started to recognize players that are trying to improve their game and those that are not. Personally, I fall somewhere in the middle. After viewing a couple of golfers that were obviously good (at least they were consistently hitting straight and had good swings) and a couple that probably just saw “Happy Gilmore”, I have made some connections between the two.

1. The Turf Mat
And this is where the connection ends. I over heard the two better players discussing how they really don’t get an accurate read on club distance from a turf mat but, it’s the beginning of the season and they’re looking to get a few swings in.

I look a few stalls down to Adam Sandler & co. and watch. First of all, they are barely connecting on most shots because turf doesn’t divot. Moreso, they are high fiving each other not realizing if they shot from grass it would probably make them cry. And secondly, they use the rubber tee on some iron shots for what reason, I don’t know.

2. The Golf Ball Collection Cart
The better players seemed to continue with their session and act as if that armored golf cart isn’t even out there, maybe even take a little water break. The other two begin to squeal with joy and change clubs to better suit the bombarding. They wager on who will hit the guy first and totally couldn’t give a crap about working on their swing.

3. Club Selection
The better players had $500 tour bags with all the bells and whistles and $1000 custom clubs nestled in there. The other two opted to select from the driving range’s collection of fine clubs, what some believe should be in the Golf Hall of Fame somewhere.

4. Bucket Size
The better players modestly purchased a medium sized bucket knowing that it is the beginning of the season and all they are trying to do is get a little workout in. Sparky and Killer, being the big men they are, purchase a super-sized supreme mega bucket each. Now, a quarter of the way through they realize what a mistake it was but finish it anyway. Can’t you just smell the Ben Gay?

5. Shot Distance
Figuring out how far you hit the ball is a little misleading on a range. The real shooters use the yardage markers and pretty much can figure out how far they are hitting. Now, Friggin’ John Daly and Babe Ruth (because his golf swing was a perfect rendition of the Babe’s baseball swing) somehow think that they are dropping bombs. They literally thought they were hitting over three hundred yards until the manager there explained the different colored flags and the distances associated with each. So much for a chance on the tour…

Golf and A Wife: A Tale of Three Women In One (Part 3)

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Picture the scene: It’s a spectacular Saturday morning. The sun is shining brightly, barely a cloud in the sky. It’s warm, but there’s a gentle breeze blowing making the temperature feel about as comfortable as it can get – warm enough for short-sleeves and shorts, but not so warm that you’ll be sweating like a hog by the 8th hole.

It’s the nicest day of the year by far. It’s the perfect day for golf. Your clubs are clean and shiny, new spikes in the shoes, no sore muscles. You’re all dressed and ready to go. You’re just about to head out the door for another wonderful day on the course. And then it happens.

Have your ears deceived you? No. You heard it exactly right. Your wife just said “Maybe I’ll come with you?” As if she was a Jeopardy contestant, she stated it in the form of a question. But you already know…that was no question. Nope. She just told you she’s going with you.

People always say “It’s not what you say, but how you say it.” Normally that’s true. But not in this case. In this case, it’s both. It’s what she said AND how she said it. But not believing your ears, you ask for confirmation anyway. I mean, it’s possible she said something else and you misunderstood right? Maybe she said something that just sounded like it. Maybe she said “Who’s going with you?” or “I think I’ll wear blue.” or “Hey honey, why don’t you stay out as long as you would like, play golf for a while, drink beer and smoke cigars with your friends and come home whenever you feel like it?” It’s possible. So you give it a shot – “What’s that babe? I couldn’t quite hear you over the sound of my clubs rattling in the bag.” But it’s worse the second time. Now it’s like the scenes from the movies where everything slows down and the voice drops to that deep bass tone, like a 78 RPM record being played at 33 1/3. “I…said…, maybe…I’ll…come…with…you.” You cringe. Now what?

The kicker for me is, my wife doesn’t play golf. Doesn’t care about it, doesn’t want to know about it. She couldn’t tell you the difference between a putter and a bogey. But what she does know is it’s a nice day and the golf course is a great place to relax, have a drink and get some sun without having to put on a bathing suit and get sand in her shoes.

Now I’ve taken my wife to the range before. It was a sight, for lack of a better term. Handing her a club was like handing a cell phone to my grandmother. Some things are better left in the hands of others. I’m no PGA pro and I sure as hell shouldn’t be teaching anyone the proper mechanics of the golf swing. But I do know the basics. I tried to pass those basics along to her, but it was no use. You ever see a baby just learning how to walk? It’s walking into things and falling down and you can’t help but to laugh. Picture that baby with a golf club in one hand, completely throwing off it’s balance even further, and a glass of Jack Daniels in the other. It was like that. But less graceful.

So why on earth does she want to come with me? She’s not going to play. She’s going to be bored out of her mind. And she couldn’t care less about the conversation going on between my friends and I. As a matter of fact, she’d probably be offended, or even repulsed by it! But for some reason, she wants to come.

But I think I know what it is. I think I might know why she wants to come. And better yet, I think I know how to fend her off. So I’m going to take a shot at it. Here I go…

“But honey, we’re not taking a cart. It’s such a beautiful day, we’re going to walk the course.” She responds “Walk?! Forget it. I’ll go shopping instead.” It worked! She just wanted to ride in the cart! I try to tell her that it’s not all that much fun, but those guys on Jackass sure do make it look like a better time than it is.

When we get to the course, I tell the guys about what happened at home and how my wife almost showed up with us. We all had a good laugh before we strapped our bags to the back of the carts and drove-off to the first tee.

So there you have it. The final chapter of the tale of my three wives in one. Fellas, if your wife is anything like mine, then I hope I’ve helped you to understand that you are not alone. Maybe I’ve even provided some insight somehow. However, if your wife is nothing like this, then I at least hope I have provided you with some type of entertainment at my own expense. If this is the case…you’re welcome.

Keeping Yourself in Golf Shape

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John Daly (photo by Keith Allison / CC BY 2.0)

So it’s November and, for the most part, the golf season has wound down. Sure, there will be a few beautiful days left, but not quite enough to warrant consideration of an extended season. So what to do? Without golf, what’s to occupy your Saturday afternoons? I suppose you could always get some work done around the house. Maybe you can clean out the basement that your wife has been hounding you about since last winter? Nah….I’ve got a better idea. How about keeping yourself in “golf shape?”

Golf shape. That’s a funny term. Think about it. It’s not like the word “shape” is preceded by “football” or “basketball” or any sport which really requires an athlete to be in peak physical condition. Well, not us stinky golfers anyway. If we were out on tour, then I can understand it. But playing a game of Nassau with a few other stinky golfers during a round of eighteen which is sandwiched between a few rounds of beer? You could probably guess that “golf shape” is not first and foremost on my list of New Year’s resolutions. As a general rule of thumb, I pretty much believe that if you can consume an alcoholic beverage during the activity you are performing…and it quite possibly makes you better…that activity may not be considered a “sport.” Bowling of course comes to mind.

Take a look at that picture of John Daly up there. Now I’ve got myself a gut, but I like to believe that it doesn’t look much like his. Also, is that an adult beverage in his hand? Thing is, he could look like he does, be as unhealthy as he may be and play at six in the morning with a hangover…and on my best day, he will still beat me like a four-year-old at Wal-Mart!

My point is, golf shape doesn’t necessarily have much to do with your physical condition. Too out of shape to walk eighteen? Just take a cart! No, golf shape is more about your mechanics and the act of the swing…not what the person swinging the club looks like. So in lieu of heading out to the course, maybe you should take a Saturday here or there and head to a decent practice facility.

Here in the beautiful northeast, out of necessity, many of the local driving ranges feature heated stations. After all, how much business would they do during the winter months if customers just had to stand out in the cold? Instead, you turn a knob and just like that, heat is reflected down on you from the roof above.

Don’t want to stand outside? Me either. So I head to an indoor facility. At a large indoor facility, I can work on just about every facet of my game. The one I choose to use contains a driving area, an area for irons, chipping area, putting green and even a couple of bunkers! If you’re in the mood for more than just practice and are looking for a little competition, they also have a couple of simulators. Also, if you need a little help with something, there’s a PGA Pro right on-site.

So maybe, like me, you’re stuck with some projects around the house. Who isn’t? Maybe you have some other involuntary commitments that are getting in your way. Whatever the tie-up may be, you can’t let that crap take over your golf life! Get yourself out to one of these places and get to work. With any luck, you can hit the course next season looking more like Jack Nicklaus than a Jackass.

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