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Why Golf is Unique

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(Photo by Greg D’Andrea)

As you watch your short-iron approach shot drift to the right of the 18th green, your initial reaction is calm. After all, we’ve been taught as golfers to think positive. As the ball’s in flight, your mind chases away any concern by predicting you will have a short pitch to the dance floor and a nice one-putt to save par.

Alas, this is not the course you played last week. And where that 18th green welcomed you with short rough to its right flank, this one mocks you with a small pond. In an instant, your ball is wet, your hopes for par are dashed, and you’re hit with the realization that golf is not like other sports.

You see, unlike other sports, no two golf courses are exactly alike. Sure, baseball fences vary, but it’s still 90 feet to first base in every major league park. Football, basketball, hockey and soccer field dimensions are even more uniform, fitting exact specifications no matter where you are.

But in golf, the diameter of greens are never the same. Some are smaller, some are bigger and rarely are they perfectly round. Not to mention, the pin is never in the same position. Can you imagine if some football field end-zones were only 5 yards deep instead of 10? What if the goal post width varied – on some fields they would be 18’ 6” wide, while others would use college football widths (23’ 4”)? For fun, I’d like to see the NFL have their goal posts on hydraulics and move them around the end-zones at random during the game (sometimes you’d be kicking to the back, right corner of the end-zone to a goal post 20 feet wide, while other times you’d be kicking to the front left, with a goal post of 15 feet wide). Hey, that may increase the kicker’s reputation in the sport somewhat!

What about distances? In golf, you can have a 360-yard par 4 on one hole, and a 428-yard par 4 on the next. Par 3’s can be even more extreme. Believe me, when you’re an average hack like I am, there’s a huge difference between a 145-yard par 3, and a 205-yard par 3. Let’s apply that to basketball: It’s 13 feet from the free-throw line to the front of the rim. What if some courts adjusted that to 16 feet? Better yet, maybe some teams have great three-point shooters, so they decide to move the three-point line back a few steps – I’d say that’d cause a bit of a stir.

Hazards? Sand traps, reservoirs, trees, etc. Each golf course has its own challenges and aesthetics. Courses will feature an unimaginable amount of things to keep you from shooting low and, every course presents them in different layouts and styles. A shot you make one day with favorable results, can spell disaster the next day on different course.

Can you imagine if the NHL added a position player to each starting line-up just to go out there and check other players? These guys wouldn’t carry a stick, and wouldn’t be allowed to touch the puck – their sole job would be to slam dudes into the boards in an effort to disrupt the other team’s offense. OK, hockey may not be too far from actually implementing that rule, but this is what golfers face all the time (albeit minus the head trauma) – we hit what we think is a good shot and BAM! A bad kick and our ball careens off into the woods and out-of-bounds – instead of a missing tooth, we have a missing ball and a two-stoke penalty.

Baseball may come the closest – the pitcher must think about every pitch (like the golfer does for every shot). Just a slight flaw in mechanics can be met with disastrous results. And the pitcher has different batters he must navigate around (like golfers have to navigate different holes), and every one of them can be tamed, as long as he executes his pitch (similar to executing a golf shot).

But golf’s uniqueness remains steadfast. Only a very few number of athletes get to compete in professional baseball – most of us with an inkling to play-on are relegated to beer-league softball, where we no longer have to execute a pitch with such preciseness. But golf is unique. We golfers compete till late in life – long after our prime in other sports has passed.

Yet the strategizing, yardage calculations and other course management routines continue in our heads for every shot we take – no matter if we possess a scratch handicap or one above 30. It’s amazing, actually, for a sport to be dominated by players that aren’t very good at it, yet still take the game very seriously – and that, perhaps above all else, is why golf is one of the most unique sports in history.

Turkey on the Table and Clubs in the Attic

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Sleeping Giant Golf Course, Connecticut
One last round before golf season is over… (Photo by Greg D’Andrea)

So it’s Thanksgiving. Of all the holidays, this one leaves me with mixed emotions – I appreciate the “giving thanks” aspect…the food, the family, etc., but this time of year also marks the official end to my golf season.

I feel like I’m a late-season golfer. Many of my golf buddies stow the old battle-sticks in the basement or attic by the end of October. Heck, here in the States, the start of (American) football in early September usually brings and end to many Saturday and Sunday tee-times. But I carry on, playing through the first few weeks in November.

The end-all for me is when I have to put on more than a windbreaker or sweater. When that happens (and my swing is subsequently compromised), I’m done till Spring – and usually that means the week of Thanksgiving – in fact, I can’t remember the last time I played a round in December here in New England.

So I’ll settle-in tomorrow after stuffing myself similar to which the bird I devoured was stuffed; watch the Packers demolish the Lions; re-watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving for the 472nd time; and fall asleep on the couch.

Yet there are memories to give thanks for beyond the ordinary: The thought of walking 18-holes on a warm summer day; the thud the ball makes when landing on a soft green in regulation; the feeling you get when everything clicks on a drive; to make the turkey gobble on a long putt…

Yes, if you’re in my boat, where golf lays dormant till April…take a second tomorrow – gaze out the window, across the carpet of auburn leaves and remember all the things you can give thanks for.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Will the Slow Golfers Please Get the Hell Out of the Way?

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slow play golf

Authors Note: While I realize I’m preaching to the choir by posting this to such an audience (e.g. the golf blogger-sphere), it’s my hope the message contained here will disseminate down to those informally teaching new golfers.

“Let’s go, while we’re young!” Said Al Czervik to Judge Smails on the first tee at Bushwood Country Club in the movie Caddyshack. Slow play on the golf course is such an obvious part of the game, it has become ingrained into Hollywood fiction. More recently, Larry David “murdered” a man on an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm because he was golfing too slowly. Alas, hazards on the golf course don’t stop at ponds and bunkers.

Golfers who have been playing the game for any length of time will tell tales of the inevitable slow group in front of them. In fact, I’d argue that we’re so prone to thinking the group we follow is slow, that it could be Tiger and Phil ahead of us and we’d still be ready to hit into them!

Typically, I’d say I’m pretty tolerant of a slow foursome (at least compared to my normal playing partners). But recently, we got stuck behind the slowest group I have ever seen in the 20-plus years I’ve been golfing! This group was just awful – especially one guy in particular, who we began calling “Red” (because he was wearing an equally awful red shirt).

For most of the round, the normal annoyances of playing behind a slow group were evident – you know, waiting at every tee and in every fairway; not staying loose – losing your rhythm and swing timing, etc.

But then something happened that set this experience apart from all other instances: At one point, as we were waiting on the 14th tee, Red drives back towards us in his cart. As he approached the tee, he asked us to step aside so he can re-hit because he couldn’t find his drive!

WTF?!

I once saw a sign on a course that read: “No one is offended by poor play; Everyone is offended by slow play.” Now, I understand Red was playing by the rules, but come on! If you aren’t in a tournament and you know there are people waiting behind you…Please, for the love of God, take-it-upon-yourself to bend the rules; pick up the pace; drop a ball; take an “X” on the hole and move on – or just let the group behind you play through!

But that was not the end of Red’s audacity. He promptly flubbed his second drive into the left woods and proceeded to spend about 5 minutes looking for his ball. Now up until this point, we had tolerated all of this nonsense for the mere fact we wanted to finish all 18-holes (for handicap purposes and the fact I like to finish what I start). But while Red was still searching for his ball – prolonging the inevitability of another re-tee, we drove past them and teed-off on 15 instead.

While I dislike incomplete rounds, slow play is just plain rude – especially when players clearly do not know the etiquette side of the game. Thus, I feel it necessary to implore of the choir – Is it too much to ask that we introduce new golfers to the etiquette-side of the game first, before we get into all of the rules? You’ve gotta crawl before you can walk – Initially, new golfers are going to stink regardless, so we mine-as-well teach them to be conscious of those behind them – rather than fussing over the explanation of every rule. Then, as they begin to understand what a good pace-of-play is on the course, they can learn more of the rules and begin taking the game more seriously.

Who are your Golf Heros?

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unc22
Unc sporting his B-26 bomber hat circa 2009

My great uncle served as a side gunner on a B-26 bomber during WWII, and served as my mentor on the golf course nearly 50 years later. He flew on 66 missions during the war and was shot down, behind enemy lines, during the Battle of the Bulge (his entire crew survived the crash).

After the war, he took-up golf and continued playing through the early part of this decade. When I first took-up the game, he was in his late 60’s and his best golfing days were behind him…Yet I was still no match for this senior. I would out-drive him by 60 yards, but he was a master at accuracy – he’d hit it 200-yards into the middle of the fairway, and I’d hit it 260 into the right rough or OB left. We’d meet on the green and he’d putt-out for bogey and I’d take a double – it never failed.

Now, in his 80’s, his golfing days are over (though he still enjoys watching the tour on TV and hearing about the latest course I’ve tackled, and how well (or poorly) I fared). I wish he could still get out there on the course, but age has a way of catching up to all of us.

I thought of my uncle today, on Veteran’s Day – the service to his country, and his tutoring of me on the golf course – and it reminded me that some people went to hell and back for the freedoms we have – even something as immaterial as playing a round of golf.

If you are looking for a golf connection to our veterans, please spend some time on the Birdies for the Brave website. If you would like to read more about my uncle’s 66 missions, or other stories from veterans, please visit Witness-to-War.org (see the listing under “Frank Maturo”).

Update: Unc passed in 2011 but his memory – both what he did for his country and for me on the golf course will remain.

6 Ways to Cheat at Golf

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What's your favorite way to cheat at golf?
What’s your favorite way to cheat at golf?

How many of you have ever taken a mulligan? CHEATERS! Every damn last one of you! How many times have you hit one out-of-bounds and then announced you’ll “just drop one up there” instead of hitting a provisional shot? CHEATERS! How many times have you awarded yourself a “gimme” putt? CHEATERS! (We actually spend time debating what constitutes a “gimme” don’t we? Is it 4 inches? Anything less than the length of the putter head? How about anything less than a foot from the hole?) – Yep, we’re all freakin’ CHEATERS! You know, there’s a reason golf pencils don’t have erasers.

Ah but to the average hacks, the aforementioned are more rule “bending” rather than rule “breaking” aren’t they? I mean, if we followed all the USGA rules to a T, many of us would be too scared to make a move on the course in fear of incurring a penalty stroke (see Stinky Golfer Chris’ post, “Do you Play Golf by the Rules?“).

The reality is, most weekend golfers take mulligans (at least one a round); award themselves gimme’s (typically any putt less than 6 inches); and don’t really know the rule differences between OB and a lateral water hazard (white stakes, red stakes, it doesn’t matter – they just drop a ball, take a stroke (maybe) and play on). And all this rule “bending” is done with the other players in full sight, completely aware of what’s going on.

But what about when you really want to cheat at golf? You know, when no one is looking? Well, below are some classic ways (honest and trustworthy golfers, please stop reading here).

1. Winter Rules: Probably made most famous in the movie Caddyshack when Judge Smails uses Winter Rules as an excuse to improve his lie. In reality, there’s nothing in the rule book called Winter Rules. And clearly nothing is legal in the way the Judge Toe Irons his ball to a better position. Nevertheless, this is a common way to cheat. It’s handy if your ball comes to rest in a divot, or on a root, or behind a tree (as in Judge Smails’ case). Make sure no one is looking (best time is to wait till another playing partner is in mid-swing so everyone is watching him instead of you), then simply roll your ball out of the divot or kick your ball clear of the tree trunk. Easy.

2. The Extra Ball: This one is pretty simple too. Let’s say you smack one into the woods or into some tall rough. After having no luck finding your real ball, make sure no one is watching you and drop an extra ball down (a veteran golf cheater will be prepared for such an errant shot and already have an extra ball in his pocket). Then proudly (and loudly) proclaim you found your original ball! Penalty stroke saved, double-bogey averted.Note: There may be instances when a playing partner will try to help you look for your ball – in these cases immediately proclaim you found it – he or she will most likely back off and you can then drop your extra ball.

3. Mistaken Identity: This is very similar to The Extra Ball, except you don’t have the guts to actually drop a ball because you’re afraid you’ll get caught. In the case of Mistaken Identity, you take your chances that you will find a ball within the general vicinity of where yours landed. Hey, any ball you find could have easily been your ball, so why not claim it as your own?

4. See No Evil: This one is among the easiest to pull off, but you have to be hitting where no one can really see you (e.g. in a deep trap, or in the woods, etc.). You take your shot and end up chunking it, or skulling it, or just plain flubbing it a few yards in front of you. Hey, if no one saw it, it doesn’t count!

5. Stroke Eraser: Again, timing is key with this one. Let’s say your playing partners are having a miserable hole. Chances are they are not going to be paying too much attention to the type of hole you’re having. Here’s where you can turn that 5 into a 4! Just don’t get too greedy or someone will most likely notice.

6. Alzheimer’s: This one we may do inadvertently during a round, but if you’re conscious of it, it can be a great cheat! First, make sure you’re the one keeping score. Then, conveniently “forget” to put down the scores for a couple of holes. By the time you announce your “carelessness,” your playing partners will have probably forgotten what you scored two or three holes ago (most likely they will be trying to remember their own scores from those holes). That’s when you sneak in a double-bogey instead of that triple you took! Note: It’s probably best not to “alter” your most recent hole, since that one’s fresh in everyone’s mind.

There are several more, and if you use your imagination, I’m sure you’ll be shooting lower scores in no time!

Author’s Note: We probably have known people who use these cheating tactics. Perhaps we [gasp] have even shamefully (or not so shamefully) implemented a few ourselves. For example, when I first started playing in my early teens, I pulled-off some of these cheats. But I quickly realized the thing with being a cheater is, you’re really only cheating yourself. These cheaters are not true lovers of golf. And, if there is money on the line, you’re not only cheating yourself, but your a real slime bucket to boot – a Judge Smails through-and-through. But maybe you’re fine with that – in which case, feel free to steal what you can from this post!

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