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6 Things Golf Courses Do to Tick Me Off

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Chain-link fence on golf course… (photo by Robert Ashworth / CC BY 2.0)

A week ago I was excited to get out on the course. The weather was great. It was the first round of the year. It couldn’t be a better day. Even though I played like crap (as usual), it couldn’t possibly ruin my excitement. As a matter of fact, the course could have been a mortar range and it wouldn’t have mattered. But that was last week.

Now that the weather has once again returned to what is expected of a typical early spring in New England, it got me thinking about some of the things out on the course that can, and eventually will, ruin the day. Once in a while, no matter how nice the course is, how much the greens fees are, or what the course’s reputation is, there will be something to leave you with a bad taste in your mouth. Here are a few of my gripes…

1. The guy in the pro shop has a stick up his ass – Ever run into this one? I don’t know about you, but it takes a great course and a fantastic remainder of the day to make me forget about this guy. If my first experience at a course turns out to be with someone who treats me like my money doesn’t deserve a bit of hospitality, then my first experience also may very well be my last. Just to clarify, I have noticed this very rarely happens. Almost all of the courses I have played, the employees seem very happy that I have chosen to plunk down my hard-earned greenbacks (or plastic) at their course. But every once in a while, you come across that one jerk. He’s not even looking at you with so much as a fake smile. He takes your money, gives you your ticket and doesn’t even give you a chance to pick it up before he’s shouting “Next!” while looking annoyingly around you to get to the next guy. I’d like to replace that stick with my golf umbrella…and then open it.

2. The starter and the guy inside are sharing the same stick – I understand that your job as a starter may be boring, but try to show at least a bit of enthusiasm! Cut away from the conversation your having with your buddy for a few seconds and acknowledge me. Say good morning. Make a comment about the weather. Ask if I’ve ever played here before. Tell me something about the course. What’s the pin placement? Anything specific I should know? Got any tips? Something! Again, this is pretty rare, but it happens.

3. A lack of water on the course – Look, golf is obviously a summer sport. In the summer, it’s hot and often humid. I bring a bottle of water or a sports drink with me every round. But depending upon how hot and humid it is, that drink may be gone by the fourth or fifth hole. The least you could do is, every several holes or so, put out a big container of water. Let me refill my bottle as often as possible. Don’t force me to spend money at the turn on something you should provide for free. I mean, I’m not asking for an 800 ml bottle of VOSS here! Just fill up a container with some ice and tap water, and that’s good enough to get me through. I promise I’ll spend money on beer in the 19th hole!

4. Where the hell is the MOFOBETE?! – This one is almost as bad as the lack of water. Normally, I don’t purchase anything from her anyway, unless we’re plagued by gripe #3. But it annoys the hell out of me when the first time I see the MOFOBETE is on hole #15. I want to start screaming – “I’m almost done now! Where have you been all day?! There’s no freakin’ water out on this course! I could have used you eight holes ago!! It’s 97 degrees out here!! We started out as a foursome but two of our guys passed out on the eighth tee from heat exhaustion and dehydration! I swear I’m going to go inside and report this to the course mana…hey, are those Hondurans?…I’ll take two…and a Miller Lite.”

5. Somebody get me a ranger! – I’m not one to complain all that much about slow play…as long as it’s not TOO SLOW. I’ll never quite understand the huge rush to get your round done. I mean, golf takes some time to play, it’s not a race. Relax and enjoy the day. I don’t need to finish my round in under four hours. If I do, that’s great. But if not, it’s OK – as long as I’m not sitting and waiting on every hole. But inevitably, at some point you’re going to catch up to the group in front of you. And every once in a while, you’ll come across the group looking to get into the Guinness Book for the longest golf round ever. And, of course, a ranger is nowhere to be found. Stinky Golfer Greg often says people just taking up the game should be taught golf etiquette before they are taught the actual rules. This group is living proof of that statement. All it takes is one or two guys to keep an eye out and make sure golfers aren’t simply wasting every one else’s time. If they spend ten minutes looking for their ball in the trees, that’s eight minutes too many. Taking too much time to fish their balls out of the water? Hey, move it along pal. He doesn’t need to be R. Lee Ermey, but there needs to be a ranger or two who can, at the very least, keep the game moving.

6. What’s with the chain-link fence? – For your own purposes, the fence can be replaced with basically any eyesore. The point here is, I can be playing a great round on a beautiful track with fantastic views. But there’s going to be something that sticks out like a sore thumb that you’ll remember more than any of the good stuff. Be it a chain-link fence, some power lines running over a fairway or a giant net from the driving range running parallel to the second hole. Either way, it’ll leave you wondering where the design flaw was. Did the designer take a day off? Did he leave that part to the intern? Whatever the case may be, I’m sure it could have been a little more well though out.

Again, chances are none of these are going to ruin my day. But they will often times leave a bad taste. Especially if I’m spending well above average money. I understand that, most times, you get what you pay for. So when these occurrences happen at some of the more hi-end courses, it sure does put a damper on the round.

What about anyone else? Speak up. Let’s here some of your gripes. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way…

First Golf Round of the New Season…And a Quick Mention of Tiger

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golfing-219993_640OK, so before I get started I guess I have to quickly get into the “Tiger spoke, so I’m obligated to make mention of it” frame of mind. It’s his first actual interview since the show he put on for his statement, and it started out with some promise.

I’m told by the ESPN anchor that this is a “no-holds barred, no question off-limits interview.” Great! That’s kind of what everyone wanted in the first place right? Of course, two of the first three questions were not answered as they were “private matters” for Tiger. There were three questions in total answered this way. I understand they are private matters, and should remain so, but don’t tell me it’s a “no question off-limits” interview if it’s actually not. Well, I guess the questions can be asked…but you’re not necessarily going to get an answer.

But my favorite part of this latest Tiger episode was this exchange:

Tom Rinaldi: Why not seek treatment before all of this came out?
Tiger: I didn’t know I was that bad.
Rinaldi: How did you learn you were that bad?
Tiger: Stripping away denial, stripping away rationalization.

What?! You didn’t know you were that bad? Has anyone else been following this story? Has anyone else seen the text messages that were released? He knew EXACTLY what he was doing. The guy acted like he was on a top-secret, James Bond-like, covert mission for cryin’ out loud! And as for the second question…”stripping away denial, stripping away rationalization” – Hey buddy…you got caught!! Stop making excuses! Just come out and say it – “I didn’t learn…I got caught!!!”

This is not what I wanted to talk about today, but for heaven’s sake, when the most honest man among athletes is Jose Canseco…we have a real problem.

I digress.

What I really wanted to talk about was my first time out on the course this year. See, here in Connecticut, we’ve had about a week’s worth of unseasonably warm temperatures and beautiful days. Mid-to-upper 60’s (even cracking 70 a couple of times), sunny, light breeze…perfect golf weather! Hey, the weather is great, it’s the first day of spring…why not make it the first day of golf also? I can’t remember the last time I played golf in March. Actually, I may have never played this early! So I called up Stinky Golfer Greg to see if he had time to squeeze in nine holes. Lucky for me, he did.

We’re both fired up to get back out there, break-out the sticks, and show this course what we’ve got! But once out there, we’re quickly reminded what the long winter lay-off has done to our games. I’m not a great golfer by any means to begin with, and I went to the range only once during the off-season. Greg didn’t go at all. We’re both out of “golf shape,” and it’s showing. Nevertheless, we pushed on.

By roughly the fourth or fifth hole, we came to realize we are not only out of golf shape, but we haven’t yet shed ourselves of the extra “winter weight” yet. We begin a bit of huffin’ and puffin’. Note to self: For future first-rounds-of-the-season…take a cart.

When all nine holes were said and done…we both played like it was our first time out…ever! But the best part is, neither of us cared. We were out on the course, early in the new season no less, and that was all that really mattered. We didn’t really care all that much what the scorecard told us. It didn’t much matter that, next to Greg’s name, it appeared as if I was writing in binary code a few times. It also didn’t matter that my final tally may have appeared a bit closer to an area code than a golf score. No…what really mattered was being out there in the first place. Nice weather, hanging with a friend, conversation, laughs, clubs in hands, hacking our way through a track. This is what it’s all about.

So here’s to the promise of a new season…and the disappointment it will ultimately render in October.

Swing ’til your happy, friends!

A Different Take On A Golf Handicap

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blindmanWhat’s that you say? You have a hitch in your swing? You had a bit of a slice today? You were pushing your putts a little left? A little trouble with your course management out there? Wow, I guess you had it tough! Well, awwww…boo-hoo for you. Here, let me get you a little hankie.

Maybe you should make an appointment with your pro. Maybe you should stand off to the side for a little while, swinging a club by yourself, and see if that helps at all. Why not try talking to one of your buddies at the club and see if he notices something wrong? After all, so many of you expect perfection out of yourselves, right? It couldn’t possibly be that you’re just not that great a golfer, could it? No….you could be on the PGA Tour if you just had some more time to practice, right? Here’s a better idea – why don’t you just shutup about it and be happy you have the ability to get out there and play the game to begin with.

Think you’ve got problems out there on the course? Try playing with your eyes closed and see how well you do then. Sound a bit ridiculous? Well, not to Jan Dinsdale it doesn’t. Jan Dinsdale, a non-golfer at the time, lost her vision at the age of 40. Three years later, through the help of the International Blind Golf Association, she took up golf. She has since ranked as high as #3 in the world on tour and even has two holes-in-one to her credit! Two! Most people with perfect or near-perfect vision never get one. She’s blind and has two!! But without the IBGA, none of this would have been possible.

The IBGA came to be in 1998 and now has fifteen countries (including the U.S.) participating. Just about every rule in standard golf applies to blind golf. Blind golfers however play with a guide. The guide gives them information on the hole as far as distance, hazards and just about anything the rest of us would be able to see for ourselves. The shot is then up to the golfer themselves. Imagine being blindfolded and your partner just describing the hole to you. Good luck!

Although the IBGA was only formed in 1998, according to their website, the sport can actually be traced back to 1924 when a man named Clint Russell lost his sight as the unfortunate result of an accident. The following year, Russell took up golf. Similar to Dinsdale, Russell also had success – in 1930 he shot an 84 for 18 holes despite his inability to actually see the course on which he was playing. Note – 75% of golfers (including myself) cannot break 90. Completely blind, Clint Russell shot 84.

The success of Dinsdale, Russell and every golfer who plays this game despite a disability, is a tribute to their drive, motivation and dedication to the game. They work hard, and despite an almost insurmountable disadvantage, they have succeeded. And thanks to a great organization like the IBGA, they are given a stage on which to showcase their incredible talent.

So the next time your drive lands in a spot leaving you in a position in which you can’t see the green…keep these people in mind. You can’t see the green? They just plain can’t see. Something tells me they’re not feeling so bad for you.

Variations on the Game of Golf – Adirondack Golf

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adirondack golfThere I was, at the 2010 Boston Golf Expo, when what do I come across? Nope…not the newest and greatest, super lightweight, massive head, incredi-flex shaft, guaranteed to get a hole-in-one every time club known to man…that’s just too boring for me. Instead, what caught my eye is pictured to the left.

I know what you must be saying to yourself. “What the hell is that thing? It must be for decoration. You couldn’t actually hit a golf ball with that. Wait…is it even for golf?” Yup…it’s for golf. Just not the golf you and I are used to. This is Adirondack Golf.

What if I was to tell you that thing is a flop wedge? Well, that’s exactly what it is. But you wouldn’t take this wedge (or any of the other clubs in one of these sets) out to your local track. But you might just take it out to your own backyard.

In a way, Adirondack Golf is mini-golf. But not the mini-golf we all think of upon hearing the term. There are no windmills or circus animals. There are more clubs to use than just a putter. And it more closely resembles an actual game of golf – just scaled down.

Roughly 100 years ago, at a hunting and fishing club in the Adirondacks, this alternate to golf was invented. Due to the necessity of forests at a hunting club, the amount of trees which would need to be taken down in order to create a golf course was not feasible. So, one of the founders of the club came up with the idea to scale down the game itself. He started with hockey sticks and tennis balls so the game could be played in short distances. After experimenting with a few different alternatives, they had finally settled on over-sized wooden clubs and rubber balls. A nine-hole course full of hazards and obstacles was set-up, and the new sport became a hit with both club members and guests alike, and still continues to be played to this day.

Now, through a company called Heirloom Sports, Adirondack Golf sets can be purchased by anyone who wants to play. A set comes with four over-sized wooden clubs (a driver, two “irons” and a putter), a few 2.5″ rubber balls and some stakes to mark as the “holes.” The course can be set-up just about any way you would like, but obstacles and hazards are strongly encouraged (the more the merrier). The hole has to be at least 25 yards from the tee, but not more than 150 yards. Keep in mind, the driver only travels about 55-60 yards. Other than that, the game and it’s rules are very similar to an actual game of golf.

It’s amazing the lengths (or shrinking of them) to which people will go in order to create a golf-related game. Mini-golf, disc-golf and now I find Adirondack Golf. But I have to admit, this one certainly does appear to be fun. I wouldn’t mind getting my hands on a set of these for a while. I don’t think it will ever cause me to shift my interest away from golf itself in the way disc golf has done for many. But something about this one does seem entertaining. So if anyone over at Heirloom Sports happens to come across this post and has a spare set of these lying around just collecting dust…I’d be happy to take it off your hands.

For more information on Adirondack Golf check out the Heirloom Sports site: http://www.heirloomsports.com/

A Charitable Arm of Golf

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Drivehard ad“If you haven’t got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.”-Bob Hope

These days it seems sports and charities go hand-in-hand. Most every athlete, superstar or not, aligns themselves with at least one charity upon turning pro…many times more than one. In some instances, athletes will start-up their own charity. And all of this is great! What better way to pass a good message across than through the popularity of sports?! With so many different charitable organizations contributing to so many different causes, there should only be two questions to ask yourself – What can I do? And too which charity/charities should I contribute?

Notice one of the questions is not whether or not you should contribute. It is my own personal opinion that this question should never enter your mind. Contributing something to charity should be a given.

So what can you do? Giving something to a charity does not necessarily mean donating large sums of money. Most of us do not have the means to do so. But nearly everyone can spare a bit. And just as important, everyone can spend a little time helping out. Everyone has heard the phrase “every little bit helps.” That phrase is 100% on the money. If more people were of this mindset, then donating just a few dollars here and there would make the world a better place. Don’t have the few extra dollars to spare? Volunteering your time to a charitable cause can be just as important.

But which charities do you help out? The real answer to this should be that it doesn’t matter. Just help in any way you can. But to help narrow it down, I try to find charities that are more personal to me. My father passed away from complications due to cancer. So, in turn, I will donate money to charities related to cancer cures, research and treatment. I’m also an animal lover, so I like to give something to organizations such as the ASPCA. In the past, I have also donated my time as a volunteer to the Special Olympics. I have no personal stake in the Special Olympics. Some members of my family were volunteering and I just felt it was a good thing to do. I had the time to help out, so why shouldn’t I?

Recently, we here at Golfstinks have come across another charitable campaign with some personal meaning to us – Drivehard.

Drivehard is a campaign created by Eat Sleep Golf to raise awareness and funds for the fight against Alzheimer’s. Since a couple of us here at Golfstinks have had family members affected by Alzheimer’s (as well as other forms of dementia) and we are obviously all fans of golf, it seems like a perfect match. Being that Alzheimer’s affects more than two million Americans and over a half-million Canadians, and indirectly affects countless others, chances are you have a family member, or know someone who does, that is affected by this disease. If this is the case, then you know how helpless it can make a person feel. So why not do something to assist in the path to a cure?

Charitable donations are of vital importance in the fight against the most deadly and debilitating diseases in the world today. Without the help and assistance of generous participants in campaigns such as Drivehard, progress in these fights would slow to a crawl. If just a few more people would do just a little bit, these battles could not only continue to be fought, but they could be won.

For more information on the Drivehard campaign against Alzheimer’s, please visit http://www.drivehard.org/.

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