GolfStinks

A Golf Blog for the Rest of Us!

An Open Letter/Pitch to The Golf Channel

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Should a reality TV show be created with average golfers as the stars?

I enjoy golf. I like getting out on the course to play. I like hanging out with my golfing buddies. I like traveling around my home state (as well as the occasional golf trip) playing different courses. I never like playing the same course twice in a row. I like that none of us takes ourselves too seriously. We all want to do well (relatively speaking), but don’t really care all that much if we don’t. Just being out on the course, enjoying ourselves, having a good time with friends, is good enough.

I think this is the real part of the game that is lost on most of us golfers. Well…, I shouldn’t say “us” since the vast majority of golfers out there today are just like me and my buddies. I should say it’s lost on the golf industry in general. We’re not great. We understand we never will be great. We just don’t have the time to ever become great and don’t care if we ever do.

However, we love to get out and play no matter if we play well or not. So why is there so little in the golf industry catered to guys like me and my buddies? Why are all the featured courses the ones that are way out of my price range…especially in this economy? Why are so many aspects of the game aimed at the scratch and low handicapper? What about the rest of us? There needs to be a fix to this, and I have a good place to start – The Golf Channel.

It’s strange – as much as I enjoy golf, I almost never find myself watching The Golf Channel. I never really wondered why until just the past couple of days. But I’ve recently come to understand – There’s simply just nothing on there for me. I don’t care all that much about the tours. I’m even less interested in highlights from some European tournament from 2007. And I am so sick of hearing fifteen different pros give me fifteen different ways to improve my short game. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Which one works the best? WHO CARES!? It’s just confusing.

Combine that with the four to six hours worth of “paid programming” (i.e. infomercials) throughout the day, and I have virtually no reason to ever turn this channel on. I’m 99 percent sure that most weekend hacks like me feel the same. What this channel needs is a shot in the arm. A show that doesn’t take itself so damn serious. A show for all of us weekend warriors out there. A breath of fresh air. A break from the stale repetitiveness! Ladies and Gentlemen of The Golf Channel, I present my idea/pitch….Hacks vs. Tracks.

OK, so the title is just off the top of my head. We can work on that. But the general idea is to send me and the rest of my foursome (or…FOREsome) around the country to discover all of the hidden gems that never quite get the attention they deserve. Just four regular guys, NOT golf pros by any stretch of the imagination, who simply love to play the game. We’ll head to places that aren’t necessarily hotbeds for golf, but nonetheless have great courses that deserve some notoriety. We’ll hit some resorts as well as some munis. We’ll play there. We’ll eat there. We’ll sleep there. We’ll give an idea of what goes on other than golf in the area – tourist attractions, local sports, restaurants and such. But best of all, we’ll take our below-average games out to these courses, have some fun, give them some well-deserved attention, and hopefully spark some interest!

A show like this could open the eyes of a whole new group of golfers! Not to mention, drum up business for the courses and local businesses as well as the travel industry!

Consider this – I rarely watch the Travel Channel either. But I’ll turn on, and even DVR, a show like Man vs. Food. Why? Because it’s a fun show. Adam Richman (the host) is not a critic. He’s not stuffy. He comes across as just a regular guy who likes food. He’s not at the most expensive restaurants in the cities he travels to. He’s at the places with the good stuff. The stuff the locals know and love. The majority of the shows on Travel Channel don’t cater to the average person. Therefore, I have very little interest. But a show like Man vs. Food…I’m not going to miss a single episode! Since he’s come to my area, at least two of the three restaurants have been packed ever since (I have yet to visit the third). I have out-of-state friends and relatives asking me about those places. They want to hit those spots the next time they’re in town. And I want to do the same the next time I’m traveling!

This same mentality can be brought to golf. Open peoples’ eyes to some new, lesser known places, and it can only benefit everyone! Besides, I would have to imagine that a show like this would be a whole lot better than watching the latest “Get Ripped in 90 Days” infomercial!

Ladies and gentlemen of The Golf Channel….you can reach me at chris@golfstinks.com to further discuss what could only be a future success and the beginning of a wonderful relationship between your fine media outlet and 40 million hacks like me.

Thank you.

The Golfstinks, Man I Suck And Couldn’t Give A Fat Baby’s Ass, Golf Course Challenge (Part 2)

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GreattrainrobberyWARNING: Again…The following challenges are intended for reading entertainment purposes and not to be performed. Unless you are a total moron or just curious like me.

Here we go once more with another thrilling and action packed set of challenges for you to enjoy when your spirits are low and your score is high. Behold, a great chance to lift your head out of that cloud of four letter words that include mothers and other profanities that would put you on the bottom of Santa’s naughty list. (PS: I’m starting with #4 cuz numbers 1-3 are already taken – You can check it out HERE).

Challenge #4: Beer Cart Heist

Yessiree Bob, just like the title says, jack a beer cart from the MOFOBETE for your round. Accomplish this and consider yourself a motherf-in’ hero! Actually, more of a jackass than hero but, the story would surely get funnier through the years. I guess there is more than one way to approach this challenge. I opt for the Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid robbing a train on horse back method. Although, the “hey your back tire is flat” routine always stirs up a good chuckle. DIMT speaking like a pirate while performing this feat adds greater comical value? Well then shiver me timbers you scallywag you.

Justification: hmmm… free beer?

Challenge #5: Golf Terminologizing

Alright, here we have a personal favorite. I like to play with strangers and create words that could be actual golf terms, or at least use made up words and if questioned on the validity of the word reply with either “Wow, these silk boxers feel great!!” or “Ooh, that sure is warm on the leg” and walk away.

Here are some examples:

1.I sliced because my wrists never rondulated.

2.The break in the green seems to extrapify to the left.

3.These terrociuos winds could shorten Daly’s drive by fifty yards.

These are some plain examples but you get the point. Hey, where’s the challenge if I give you the good ones. Use your brain for once and stop reading this crap!

Justification: Pure S n’ G.

Challenge #6 Prison Rules Golf

This requires making one in the foursome (obviously not you) your personal servant, or as those residing at Sing Sing prefer to call this act: Making you my bitch. For example, upon completion of a hole you proceed to the cart and declare to your servant: “Yo bitch, you better put that flag in the cup and grabs my ball before I shank you!” DIMT a “bitch” can be traded to another golfer for ten cigarettes?** NOTE: Exchange rate to USD is not readily available nor do I care to find out.

Justification: No real justification.

**We here at golfstinks.com do not promote using tobacco products as currency. We loves us some cold hard cash! So donations would be splendid…

Golf and A Wife: A Tale of Three Women In One (Part 2)

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3470826111_81eb9e2701_oA little over a week ago I gave everyone a bit of a look into my personal life as I was telling you about wife #1 – The wife who hates when I golf. This week, we are going to look into wife #2 – The wife who doesn’t mind when I golf and, often times, is happy to see me get the hell out of the house. Obviously, this is my favorite one-third of my three-part wife.

One would have to wonder how she can go from hating when I golf, to pretty much handing my clubs to me and forcing me out the front door. I want to ask, but I’m afraid to. When she is pretty much telling me to get out of here, I don’t want to give her any reason to change her mind. So I just grab my keys and go. But I do wonder “Why did she make a stink last Saturday but couldn’t wait to get me out this time?” So I’ve come up with a few ideas on my own:

#1 – She loves me and she wants me to be happy doing something she knows I love to do. No, this can’t be it.

#2 – She has learned that, many times, I am more useful out of the house than in. I figure this is a strong possibility. It’s no secret most of us husbands are kept around by our wives for two reasons – opening jars and squishing bugs. Most of the remaining can all be done by the wife herself – and often times done better. I’ll give it to my wife…she simply does a better job than me at many of the household chores….or does she? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Fellas, you know what I’m talking about. Bill Cosby? Screw it up bad enough and you won’t have to do it again? Sometimes it works. But in hindsight…this may not be the answer either. See, my wife caught onto my tricks pretty quickly. I figured when I dropped a colorful new undergarment into a load of bleach-filled whites, I was home free. Wrong. I tried again with a new comforter. I practically managed to get that one shrunken down to what a candy company would consider “Fun Size.” Still no good. So after another lesson and the threat of my wife shrinking something else down to “fun size”…I don’t screw up the laundry anymore. So the best I can come up with is…

#3 – She’s just so sick of looking at me growing roots into the couch. This is the best I can come up with. I’ll get out of bed, head down to the living room, turn on the TV, and fall asleep again in front of ESPN. I’ll wake up just in time to put the game on, then fall asleep again from innings two through eight. Hey, if God thought it was OK to rest one day, then it should be OK for me also right? My wife says when I can create an entire world in six days, better yet, when I can consistently do ANYTHING for six days, then I can sleep on the couch all day long if I would like. But until then…. She has a point. But rather than argue with me about it, or try to do everything around me, she sends me golfing. This has to be it.

But upon thinking about it, I don’t really care what the reason is, as long as it continues to happen. And I’ll NEVER ask. It’s like asking my mechanic about the technical aspect of my cars latest problem. I don’t give a crap. Does it work properly now? Is that annoying sound gone? That’s all I need to know.

As long as that one part of my wife will continue to recommend I golf and force me out when it’s time to do so, that’s all I need to know. Now if I can just work on the other two parts.

Check back next week for Part 3 – When She Wants To Golf With Me…

Golf and A Wife: A Tale of Three Women In One (Part 1)

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todo-list-297195_640Is your wife the type who hates when you head out for a day of golf with your buddies? Maybe she’s the type who doesn’t mind when you golf and, often times, is happy to see you get the hell out of the house? Or…is she the type who would like nothing more than to head to the course with you? If you can narrow it down, then lucky you. My situation is a little different. Depending upon the day, and I’m still working on how exactly to read it, my wife could be any one of those three!

It’s amazing to meet a person who can look at an activity such as golf and, all in the same thought, think “It’s a boring, pointless and stupid sport. You should go play today. Can I go with you?” What the hell?! So in this ball of confusion, today we’re going to explore wife #1 – The wife who hates when I golf.

Did you ever notice there is always something to do? Did you ever notice there is just not enough time in the day? Did you ever notice that, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t finish the things that need to be done and there’s always more to do tomorrow? Don’t be fooled. None of this is true. The reason you feel this way is because of your wife! She makes things up and tricks you into believing you are too busy to go golfing! Don’t fall for it! It’s a trap! There is always tomorrow to get things done. And if tomorrow never comes, then what did it matter if the garage was cleaned anyway?

Maybe your wife uses the “we don’t spend enough time together” excuse when you want to disappear for an entire Saturday. I don’t get it. I just spent the past, physician-recommended, eight hours right next to her! As a matter of fact, I’ve done that almost every night for the past few years! But she doesn’t think this meets the criteria to be considered “quality time.” But somehow, wandering the halls of the local mall with the other zombies and their wives does. You wanna explain that? You can’t, can you? Well enough trying to explain, it’s time to act.

The next time your wife wants to get her hair or nails done, remind her that she wanted to rearrange the bedroom or living room furniture and today would be the perfect day to get that done. When you finish that up, mention the kitchen that she was so anxious to get painted. I would be willing to bet those things could be put on hold now.

As far as the quality time thing goes…I’m all for spending quality time with the wife. It’s of vital importance to your marriage. So when she mentions it, you should appease her. Get on the computer, purchase some tickets to the game (any game really – baseball, football, basketball, hockey…) and take her along. Explain to her this is something you would normally do with your friends, but you’re having a much better time with her and look forward to doing it again next Saturday! The teams logo painted from your chest down to your gut which is jiggling while you wildly wave your shirt over your head is a nice touch. She should get the point.

I figure there are two ways this can go for you:

#1 – She gets the picture and you can golf often enough to keep you satisfied. Don’t push it though or you may end up with…
#2 – She is so infuriated with your lack of compassion for her needs and she wants a divorce. 99% of the time, divorce is bad. I do not endorse divorce.

However, and you didn’t hear this from me, it will free up your Saturdays.

Keeping Yourself in Golf Shape

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John Daly (photo by Keith Allison / CC BY 2.0)

So it’s November and, for the most part, the golf season has wound down. Sure, there will be a few beautiful days left, but not quite enough to warrant consideration of an extended season. So what to do? Without golf, what’s to occupy your Saturday afternoons? I suppose you could always get some work done around the house. Maybe you can clean out the basement that your wife has been hounding you about since last winter? Nah….I’ve got a better idea. How about keeping yourself in “golf shape?”

Golf shape. That’s a funny term. Think about it. It’s not like the word “shape” is preceded by “football” or “basketball” or any sport which really requires an athlete to be in peak physical condition. Well, not us stinky golfers anyway. If we were out on tour, then I can understand it. But playing a game of Nassau with a few other stinky golfers during a round of eighteen which is sandwiched between a few rounds of beer? You could probably guess that “golf shape” is not first and foremost on my list of New Year’s resolutions. As a general rule of thumb, I pretty much believe that if you can consume an alcoholic beverage during the activity you are performing…and it quite possibly makes you better…that activity may not be considered a “sport.” Bowling of course comes to mind.

Take a look at that picture of John Daly up there. Now I’ve got myself a gut, but I like to believe that it doesn’t look much like his. Also, is that an adult beverage in his hand? Thing is, he could look like he does, be as unhealthy as he may be and play at six in the morning with a hangover…and on my best day, he will still beat me like a four-year-old at Wal-Mart!

My point is, golf shape doesn’t necessarily have much to do with your physical condition. Too out of shape to walk eighteen? Just take a cart! No, golf shape is more about your mechanics and the act of the swing…not what the person swinging the club looks like. So in lieu of heading out to the course, maybe you should take a Saturday here or there and head to a decent practice facility.

Here in the beautiful northeast, out of necessity, many of the local driving ranges feature heated stations. After all, how much business would they do during the winter months if customers just had to stand out in the cold? Instead, you turn a knob and just like that, heat is reflected down on you from the roof above.

Don’t want to stand outside? Me either. So I head to an indoor facility. At a large indoor facility, I can work on just about every facet of my game. The one I choose to use contains a driving area, an area for irons, chipping area, putting green and even a couple of bunkers! If you’re in the mood for more than just practice and are looking for a little competition, they also have a couple of simulators. Also, if you need a little help with something, there’s a PGA Pro right on-site.

So maybe, like me, you’re stuck with some projects around the house. Who isn’t? Maybe you have some other involuntary commitments that are getting in your way. Whatever the tie-up may be, you can’t let that crap take over your golf life! Get yourself out to one of these places and get to work. With any luck, you can hit the course next season looking more like Jack Nicklaus than a Jackass.

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