6 Ways to Cheat at Golf

How many of you have ever taken a mulligan? CHEATERS! Every damn last one of you! How many times have you hit one out-of-bounds and then announced you’ll “just drop one up there” instead of hitting a provisional shot? CHEATERS! How many times have you awarded yourself a “gimme” putt? CHEATERS! (We actually spend time debating what constitutes a “gimme” don’t we? Is it 4 inches? Anything less than the length of the putter head? How about anything less than a foot from the hole?) – Yep, we’re all freakin’ CHEATERS! You know, there’s a reason golf pencils don’t have erasers.

Ah but to the average hacks, the aforementioned are more rule “bending” rather than rule “breaking” aren’t they? I mean, if we followed all the USGA rules to a T, many of us would be too scared to make a move on the course in fear of incurring a penalty stroke (see Stinky Golfer Chris’ post, “Do you Play Golf by the Rules?“).

The reality is, most weekend golfers take mulligans (at least one a round); award themselves gimme’s (typically any putt less than 6 inches); and don’t really know the rule differences between OB and a lateral water hazard (white stakes, red stakes, it doesn’t matter – they just drop a ball, take a stroke (maybe) and play on). And all this rule “bending” is done with the other players in full sight, completely aware of what’s going on.

But what about when you really want to cheat at golf? You know, when no one is looking? Well, below are some classic ways (honest and trustworthy golfers, please stop reading here).

1. Winter Rules: Probably made most famous in the movie Caddyshack when Judge Smails uses Winter Rules as an excuse to improve his lie. In reality, there’s nothing in the rule book called Winter Rules. And clearly nothing is legal in the way the Judge Toe Irons his ball to a better position. Nevertheless, this is a common way to cheat. It’s handy if your ball comes to rest in a divot, or on a root, or behind a tree (as in Judge Smails’ case). Make sure no one is looking (best time is to wait till another playing partner is in mid-swing so everyone is watching him instead of you), then simply roll your ball out of the divot or kick your ball clear of the tree trunk. Easy.

2. The Extra Ball: This one is pretty simple too. Let’s say you smack one into the woods or into some tall rough. After having no luck finding your real ball, make sure no one is watching you and drop an extra ball down (a veteran golf cheater will be prepared for such an errant shot and already have an extra ball in his pocket). Then proudly (and loudly) proclaim you found your original ball! Penalty stroke saved, double-bogey averted.Note: There may be instances when a playing partner will try to help you look for your ball – in these cases immediately proclaim you found it – he or she will most likely back off and you can then drop your extra ball.

3. Mistaken Identity: This is very similar to The Extra Ball, except you don’t have the guts to actually drop a ball because you’re afraid you’ll get caught. In the case of Mistaken Identity, you take your chances that you will find a ball within the general vicinity of where yours landed. Hey, any ball you find could have easily been your ball, so why not claim it as your own?

4. See No Evil: This one is among the easiest to pull off, but you have to be hitting where no one can really see you (e.g. in a deep trap, or in the woods, etc.). You take your shot and end up chunking it, or skulling it, or just plain flubbing it a few yards in front of you. Hey, if no one saw it, it doesn’t count!

5. Stroke Eraser: Again, timing is key with this one. Let’s say your playing partners are having a miserable hole. Chances are they are not going to be paying too much attention to the type of hole you’re having. Here’s where you can turn that 5 into a 4! Just don’t get too greedy or someone will most likely notice.

6. Alzheimer’s: This one we may do inadvertently during a round, but if you’re conscious of it, it can be a great cheat! First, make sure you’re the one keeping score. Then, conveniently “forget” to put down the scores for a couple of holes. By the time you announce your “carelessness,” your playing partners will have probably forgotten what you scored two or three holes ago (most likely they will be trying to remember their own scores from those holes). That’s when you sneak in a double-bogey instead of that triple you took! Note: It’s probably best not to “alter” your most recent hole, since that one’s fresh in everyone’s mind.

There are several more, and if you use your imagination, I’m sure you’ll be shooting lower scores in no time!

Author’s Note: We probably have known people who use these cheating tactics. Perhaps we [gasp] have even shamefully (or not so shamefully) implemented a few ourselves. For example, when I first started playing in my early teens, I pulled-off some of these cheats. But I quickly realized the thing with being a cheater is, you’re really only cheating yourself. These cheaters are not true lovers of golf. And, if there is money on the line, you’re not only cheating yourself, but your a real slime bucket to boot – a Judge Smails through-and-through. But maybe you’re fine with that – in which case, feel free to steal what you can from this post!