GolfStinks

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Golf Gadgets; WTF? (Part 2)

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Ok, round deux! This just gets better…I think I’m in the wrong business. Everybody wants to lower their score and will do anything (including selling their soul to the devil) to improve the ol’ handicap. Maybe I should design something that incorporates all of these devices. Something along the lines of a suit with all the gadgets attached…Damn man, you will definitely get all the chicks!

What they say: The Helicopter is a simple concept that has proven to be very effective. Just line up the red blades to the target line in all positions and follow the easy to understand steps and you will hit the ball straight…it’s that simple!

What I Say: Weeeeeeeeee! Look at the colors go round n’ round…

What they say: The Power Wrist™ is a new easy to use self-training golf aid that teaches golfers how to have the proper positioning of the wrist and arm during the entire swing. What I Say: The Power Wrist™ helps with your swing? I’ll tell you what a powerful wrist helps with…trust me…I know.

What they Say: Protator kills any slice! What I Say: Protator looks like it belongs in a proctologist’s office…ouch! And what’s with the stance…

What They Say: Loosen up before your golf round, build golf muscles, straight and flexibility, and even hit balls to identify and fix golf swing flaws with this golf club weight. What I Say: Holy crap, this shaft warmer does all that? Shaft warmer…

What They Say: The Swingscope is the first of its kind swing teaching device and uses direct Bio-Feedback to guide the golfer to utilize the proper golf specific muscles in order to ingrain the correct muscle memory with respect to coil, lower body resistance, stability and the dynamic relationship between a fundamentally sound hip and shoulder turn. What I say: Hey now! An automatic reach-arounder…who would have thought? Ladies, flip it around and use it as a chastity belt!

What they say:With the Whippy TempoMaster® you will learn to:

  • Relax your hands and arms and swing the club head with incredible speed and control
  • Strike the ball using the large muscle that runs along the left side of your back (the lattismus dorsi muscle)
  • Swing hard without using your arms or hands to initiate the force of the swing
  • Keep your left arm connected to your rib cage
  • Transfer your weight from one side to the other correctly and smoothly with rhythm
  • Drive the ball really far, time and time again

What I say: HAAAAAAAAA! Whippy Master?!?!?!

  • Da da da da da…Crack that whip!
  • When a problem comes along…you must whip it!
  • Now whip it!
  • Whip it good

Hit’em long…yell FORE!

Home on the Range (Golf Range that Is…)

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By definition, a golf driving range is a practice facility usually consisting of an area to drive/lob/chip balls at various targets denoting distances in order to get an idea of what each club is capable of doing. It is a place to work on consistency, accuracy and “proper” form. The driving range has also been used as a place for dates (that’s pretty sad actually), child activities and various other recreational stress relievers by golfers and non-golfers alike.

My time at the range is initially spent in frustration. I get my token, put it in the ball machine and for the life of me can never seem to get the right size bucket. All of a sudden there’s balls going all over the place and I’m chasing them down like an idiot. You know, ducking backswings and the inevitable; having to look like a squeaking cheap bastard because one them rolled near someone else’s stash and when you go over to pick it up it looks like you’re stealing a ball. Obviously, a confrontation ensues and it turns into a friggin Seinfeld episode because you have to explain yourself. All of this over a range ball.

When I finally get to an open driving bay, I have a nervous breakdown trying to find the right tee…those big, stupid rubber tees! I have better luck finding a four leaf clover than finding one the right length. It’s like I either need Huggy Bear’s platform shoes or I’m driving from the mat. Well, I fixed their asses…I grabbed the longest one I could find, cut it to size and took it with me (I sure showed them).

Now as with any public place, there are a variety of people and a variety of stereotypes to go along with them. There’s the guy that dresses like he’s on tour – has the real nice expensive bag with all the fixins’ and exaggerates his nice swing so everybody sees him and oooh’s and aaah’s. There’s the guy that brings all of his clubs but only uses the driver. And then there’s the guy that should have a sock in his mouth because his cursing and swearing upsets everyone.

I also crack-up whenever I see people at the range who insist they are good, but slice so much they should be an Iron Chef. Sometimes you can hear them talking to themselves (in a looney bin kind of way). And once, I could of swore I heard “I’ll never make it in Q school.” It’s safe to say the only tour that guy will be making is the Culture Club re-union.

Now, as much as I would love to improve my game and be consistent with my irons and all that other jazz, I thoroughly enjoy driving balls at the ball retriever vehicle thingy. Especially when I’m in the company of a like-minded friend or fellow range neighbor. The fun really begins when the betting starts: “Five bucks if you hit the cart…$50 if you somehow hit the driver…” We all know that the cart is wrapped in golf ball armor and it is virtually impossible to pose any threat to the driver but, we still try (I know, we’re sadistic bastards). It should be noted that some behavioral psychiatrists believe that we have a natural morbid curiosity with seeing death, trauma/gore or just all around destruction. Since we are somewhat civil and haven’t been raised by wolves or apes, we tend to control that curiosity…or not.

Anyway, as my last ball careens toward the ball-retriever cart, I’m left wondering about the people who only know golf by what they see and do at the driving range. You know, those people who have never set foot on a golf course but still think the range is “fun.” Sometimes I envy them – their idea of golf is far less complicated than mine. It’s much easier to hit mindlessly at the range cart guy than aim for the pin. Hmmmm. do you think the MOFOBETE snack cart should have a giant target in it’s roof? Better yet…where’s the ranger’s cart?!?

First of All, You’re Swinging From the Wrong Side…

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Yeah, like I never heard that before…you unoriginalbastid!All my life I grew up swinging a bat and hockey stick left-handed while actually being right-handed.

It never occurred to me how fairly uncommon that is until I started playing golf. I remember walking up to the first tee and setting up and hearing: “Wow, you’re lefty?” WTF is that? Why not just put me in a cage somewhere and draw a crowd? “Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls I present Lefto the amazing right-handed lefty! Watch as he writes his name right handed and then swings a club left!” Whoopty-Freakin’-Doo! And what’s with the lame ball-breaking comments? Hey Mr. Golfer Person-Who-Thinks-He/She-Is-Funny: you and your wise cracks can go kick rocks!

Everybody knows golf courses were designed for righty’s (probably not true but I’m going with it). Try finding left handed clubs…fuhgedaboutit! Don’t get me wrong, they exist (obviously) but have a very limited selection. For instance, try walking into a golf store and search for their left handed section. It’s like all the way in the back of the store in a corner behind some boxes waiting to be brought to the dumpster. And then the selection! My oh my, what a selection they have…maybe two new sets from last year that are demos and a used set that was pieced together by someones uncle back in the 80’s.

Now here’s what else I noticed: Righty’s can go into a store, try-out a set and then go purchase them online cheaper. We lefty’s (at least me) do not have that luxury (Is that why I couldn’t find that left-handed Chi Chi Rodriguez wood driver)?

I understand the right-handed to left-handed ratio is about 9:1 (except in Canada where it is about 7:3…perhaps thanks to ice hockey)? But does that make us any less of a consumer of golf products? Hey, we put out a few greats: Bob Charles, Mike Weir and Phil “FIGJAM” Mickelson. Maybe we should start getting some respect! Just my $.02…

Golf Gadgets; WTF? (Part 1)

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Game improvement or WTF was I thinking?!?!?!?

Ok, so I did some research into the phenomenal business of golf-swing-aids* and couldn’t help but take a step back and say “You gotta be F$%#in’ kidding me!” Does this stuff really work? In Part 1 of this periodic series, I offer a little side-by-side comparison of what they say, and what I say. Enjoy…and please don’t take offense.
What they say: Get the Right Angle with Right Link! The Right Link teaches you the proper role of the right arm throughout the golf swing. It develops the width and full extension you need for a more powerful, on-plane swing.

What I say: Steve Austin, golfer, a man barely alive…Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world’s first bionic golfer. Steve Austin will be that golfer, better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster…

What they say: Swingyde will provide you with the feedback necessary to hinge the wrists correctly and assure that the face is perfectly square throughout the swing.
What I say: Holy $%#@!!! Vishnu has reincarnated to an amateur golfer people, amazing!

What they say: LASER PUTTER: This is a laser light attached to your regular putter; it will allow you to see where you are actually lining up the putter.

What I say: By some freak accident the Military Channel and the Golf Channel’s broadcast signal bounced off the same satellite at the same time and this is what happened (Thank you, Thank you! This took me some time to come up with…).

What they say: The purpose of the impact bag is to train your muscles to learn the point your club is supposed to impact the ball. By repeating your swing over and over into the bag, hitting the proper spot every time, you develop muscle memory.

What I say: Muscle memory? Bull feces! If you suck, you’re muscles are just going to remember to slice it two fairways over instead of one.

 

What they say: This golf swing trainer is designed to provide golfers with the swing mechanics and consistency needed to reinforce proper weight shift.

What I say: Correct me if I’m wrong but, I believe if you work in a warehouse they give you one of these for free…

 

What they say: The Explanar is a complete training system incorporating the swing plane, the biomechanics of the golf swing, and a fitness training aid.

What I say: You got some splainin’ to do, Explanar! How the hell did you manage to take out the ceiling fan, the urn with grandpa’s ashes and the glass top to the coffe table? Oh, right…game improvement. Forget game improvement, I think Explanar has a future in home improvement.

What they say: I couldn’t imagine what they could say.

What I say: How the F$%# do you play 18 holes with this contraption? Looks like someone is a closet S&M fan…kinky.

*Disclaimer: I stink at golf and am in no way an expert on golf, game improvement or anything of its likeness. Please note that this was done for humor and not intended to harm anyone or anything. If you do not find this funny, sorry Bub.

Hit’em long…yell FORE!

Shaft, Stroke, Head and Balls…

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Have you ever had somebody walk-in on a golf conversation at the wrong time? As proper the terminology and content of the conversation may be, it’s still hard not to laugh when you overhear: “Hey, do you think my shaft is stiff enough?”

Come on, this is another great part of the game. How else can you use the words: shaft, stroke, head and balls in a conversation with an older lady and walk away without a sexual harassment charge? It’s the truth…childish but true.

Also, the word putter just makes me feel dirty. “Jack, on your way back grab my putter.” That sends a shiver down my spine. WTF! Seriously, yell that across the green and not smirk. How did golf get so unintentionally sexual? Am I the only one that gets a kick out of it? What are the odds that so many of the same terms would appear in both a porno and a golf outing – and I haven’t even mentioned the cursing and swearing.

Sometimes, I like to go out on the course and see how far I can take it with people using these “words” – as well as making up some too. For example, the word extrapify doesn’t exist as far as I know. So, to me it’s money – the next time you’re paired with some jackass, try saying the following: “Yeah, I think you need an extrapifier to separate the head from your shaft because the hozzle seems to be bad.”

Almost forgot the balls! Can’t play without balls, right? “Between the rain and this humidity my balls are really sticking…” Really, if there was a top ten this should be on it. Everybody knows that you can’t play with dirty balls so, we must embrace the ball washer and be damn proud of it. At least once a round you should proclaim how good it feels to wash your dirty balls!

Voilà! Just combo a few of these “words” together and observe – the fun that ensues will be both endless and priceless. So, go out there, have fun and yell fore!

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