GolfStinks

A Golf Blog for the Rest of Us!

New Calendar According to Golf

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calendar-151591_640From the earliest days of man to this very moment every culture, ethnicity, tribe etc. has influenced, used or created a calendar. They based it on some constant – usually a reference date, and were able to further develop it from there. So, I’ve taken the liberty and created my own calendar…according to Golf.

Considering I live in the Northeast and our golf season is well, seasonal, it works like this: The year will normally start with January and proceed with February, March, Golfember and December. Wait…What?!?!? Golfember? WTF?!?! Yep! you heard right, Golfember, 244 days of golfing possibilities! Now in order to keep the chaos to a minimum, Golfember follows the 7 days a week pattern but has damn near 35 weeks in it.

Don’t worry, all of the holidays are still there, for example: July 4th would be Golfember 95th and Thanksgiving would be…uhh…Thanksgiving, the thirty-fifth Thursday in Golfember. Ya dig? No more of that “What month are we in” crap!Meanwhile, we can implement all-new holidays. For example, wedged right in between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, we can have Golfer’s Day. That’s where you give all the golfers in your life a present (balls, new clubs, etc.).

I know, this is exciting and it gets better. If you live in the southern part of the U.S., you lucky devils will have the option to combine January, February and March into Golfuary. Hence the calendar would be Golfuary, Golfember and December. My reasoning for keeping December is because of the great holidays that fall in that month. You know, all that giving and receiving and eating and visiting family. It’s just too much of a good thing to change.

So, in this crazy complex world we live in, I believe a little streamlining and simplifying would be refreshing…and very much welcome. As far-fetched as this may be, I think cabin-fever is setting in already and it’s only been a few days since my season ended! How long til Golfmas?

The Greatest Golf Rule

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usga_rules_book_2008_20091-4. Points Not Covered by Rules

“If any point in dispute is not covered by the Rules, the decision should be made in accordance with equity.”

So, let me get this straight – the USGA researches, reviews, implements and revises rules for golf every so often, right? Why? As stated above with Rule 1-4, the USGA has chiseled in stone the ultimate “Watch Their Ass” rule. This pretty much says if it’s not in the book then YOU make a FAIR judgment call and get on with it because it’s…a…rule…in…the…book. Huh? I know, confusing, but what an incredible stroke of genius! It technically means the rule book covers every situation there could be, even if it’s not in the book! Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

The USGA’s rules and regulations committee have given themselves a ridiculous amount of leverage. They can dictate when or if they will be revising the rules simply because Rule 1-4 covers it all. If PGA officials approach the committee with ” We’ve had an unusual situation this past…” The USGA can interrupt with: “Hold it right there Skippy…Rule motherf$%#in’ 1-4…Now if you don’t mind you’re interfering with my nap.”

Could you imagine if this was a law passed by congress? “If any point in dispute is not covered by Constitutional, codified, uncodified, federal, state or territorial laws set forth by the appropriate means for jurisdiction within the United States of America , then you guys work it out fair n’ square cuz’ we said so and it’s the law, bitches!” Still got that pipe lying around?

The Golfstinks, Man I Suck And Couldn’t Give A Fat Baby’s Ass, Golf Course Challenge (Part 1)

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wine-215359_640WARNING: The following challenges are intended for reading entertainment purposes and not to be performed. Unless you are a total moron or just curious like me. For Part 2 in this series, please click HERE.

Does sucking at golf get you down? You arrive, unload your bag, mangle the course, screw up your shots and have to listen to some pipe tell you to keep your head down. Well, I too have been in that scenario and looked for a way to better my situation. I realized that without practice and hours upon hours of being on the course, I will never become a better golfer. So, I took the liberty and created challenges to keep my spirits up while golfing poorly.

Challenge #1: The Piñata Drive
Ok, you get blindfolded, take your driver and hold it straight up so you can bend over and rest your head on the grip while the club head is touching the ground, and in traditional fashion, you revolve around the club as your buddies count each revolution in Spanish (you may stop at ten, sorry “diez”). You then proceed, with a little help, to where your ball is teed up and swing till the stuff comes out. What do you mean ‘What stuff?’ Well, I don’t know… until you make contact with something wise ass! Did I mention that (DIMT from here on out, hey everybody else makes up their own acronyms) alcohol must be consumed prior to the blindfolding and in between revolutions and your approach to the ball or more properly, your “set-up?”

Justification: You are going to screw up your tee shot anyway.

Challenge #2: En Garde!
Challenge anyone and everyone to a fencing duel using their driver shaft as a sword. If they decline and walk away, proceed to smack the back of their leg with the shaft in a whipping motion and immediately scream “En garde!” This will easily get your ass kicked or make for some good side betting. Either way, it’s entertainment.

Justification: Sharpens the ol’ reflexes and helps with the hand-eye coordination thing.

Challenge #3: Tee For Two
Two butt cheeks that is. How long can you keep a golf tee wedged in your butt crack? No one has to know, call it our secret big boy! More points the hotter the weather. DIMT a golf ball can be substituted for the more “advanced” partaker in this challenge?

Justification: It depends on who you are asking. My justification is giving the tee to the annoying one in the foursome.

Pimp My Golf Cart

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golfcart_californiaroadster03

In my pursuit to find all that is great and unique about the game of golf, I’ve compiled a few pictures of something that I find not only interesting, but invaluable to this game: Golf carts! How else can I find my ball while drinking a beer, smoking a cigar and not breaking a sweat? The golf cart just plain rocks!

For a stinky golfer like myself, whom some might call lazy (but I prefer “super efficient”), I expend a lot of energy hacking the course to bits. So, for me to walk and carry my bag…forget it! Why would I pass up an opportunity to ride?

I mean not for nothing but, there was a lot of blood, sweat and tears that went into designing and manufacturing the carts pictured below. It would be foolish to put all that marvelous engineering to waste and walk the course. So here’s a little tribute to those that also revel in their golf carts – these bad boys take it to the next level!







For more information about pimped-out golf carts, please visit the following sites:

Reflections on another Stinky Golf Season

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Golf Hole From Hell
Airways Golf Course (photo by Greg D’Andrea)

No matter how bad you play, your worst round is still ahead of you. Golf is a game of numbers and since the numeric system is infinite you can always pick your head up after shooting a 153 and say “Could of been worse, coulda’ shot a 154…” Albeit if you shot a 153 – I’m sure somewhere along the line you cheated and should have a 163. Just saying, I’ve done it…I mean I never shot a 153 but…Ok! Ok! I’ve had scores that equalled the top speed of a Porsche…happy now?

What is it about this game that keeps me coming back though? Is it that one nice drive I had? Or that birdie on the 18th hole? Does my geographic location come into play – unlike warmer climates where you can play year-round, do I dream about playing during the off-months? Yes, yes, yes and also, for me, golf is a chance to get together with friends and for those few hours I don’t have to worry about anything. A chance to act like a child, within moderation of course, have a few laughs (and beers) and go home* (*home is the secret word for the closest bar, wink, wink).

That being said, I guess it’s nearing the end of the golfing season here in the northeastern part of the US, and all that’s left are memories of this past year. So, not trying to be sentimental and what not, I’ll miss heading out in the middle of summer where the humidity is so bad you ask yourself “Why am I here right now?” I’ll miss hitting a great shot and follow it up with four or five not so great shots and still have to chip to get on. I’ll miss pulling the old “unhooking my playing partners’ golf bags from the cart so when they take-off, the bags fall off” gag.

I envy golfers that live in warmer climates and can hack year round. Well, actually that means I have a better chance at shooting a crappier round more frequently. Remember it’s a game of numbers. Throughout the years of my golf “career” I’ve heard some funny sayings and one that stuck with me goes right along with the “numbers” thing. What other game can you yell “Fore”, shoot a six and write down a five? So the game of numbers goes on. My number now? That would be 6. Six months till the 2010 season! Man, I love this game!

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